If you want things to be different….

There is something about having an invigorating conversation with someone who really get’s you.  I was that lucky this week.  After that conversation I felt better about myself and decided I wasn’t really as bad off as I have been telling myself.  I felt renewed sense of inspiration to say the least.

One question brought me a new way perspective about  the feelings I’ve been having in regards to my lack of a romantic relationship.  What does that mean to you?  I’m not sure exactly why this question sparked something in me, but it did.  I realized that things were not as bad I though, or had been trying to convince myself it was.  This renewed acceptance gave me the courage to say what I needed to say and accept exactly where I was…and I’m good with that.

One thing that I got very clear about this week is that if I want things in my life to be different, then I’m going to have to do things differently.  I’m really tired of sitting around with nothing but myself and my gloomy thoughts of lack.  What the hell is that anyway.  There is nothing holding me back but my own lack of effort.  So I made some decisions….it was time to focus on something else.  Me.  Yes, I know, I’ve said that before.  This time it’s different…this time I reached out and actually made a commitment.

Today I met with a personal trainer.  We discussed my goals, my motivation and why I thought this was the time.  One of the questions was from 1-10 how motivated was I to make this work.  My answer was 9.  She asked me what was keeping me from making it 10…my answer, fear.  I’ve been here way to many times.  Ready and willing to jump off into something truly positive only to sink back into my crappy mind and let everything go.  The reason I chose this particular trainer is because I know I can be honest with her, I know she truly cares about my success….and I know that she will kick my ass if I start to fall.  We are going to revisit my commitment in 3 months.  At that time I know that she will not accept any wimpy excuses to quit, and I need that.

The reason I chose to finally make the financial commitment to my health and fitness is because I was honest with myself that I could afford this.  7 packs of cigarettes a week at $6.82 a pack = $47.74/$190 month.  Shit.  So I’m giving up the smoking and investing that money in a smoking hot body instead.  I think that’s a fair trade.  Now, couple that with being committed to meal planning and not eating out as much, then I should actually be saving money every month.  The added bonus is that I’ll finally be able to fit into all those cute clothes that I have already purchased and sit waiting.  It’ll be like gaining a whole new wardrobe.

Another benefit to all this is that I’ll have something else to think about for a change.  Like sore muscles and how I’m going to wash my hair when I can’t lift my arms.  Haha. No seriously, I can actually start thinking about myself and how I’m going to keep this commitment moving forward and actually be successful.  Shift in focus.  Shift in attitude.

Now, if that wasn’t enough for one tired old lady to take on, I’ve also put some serious action into finding a new job.  It’s time.  My time.  I put in the work and I’ve tried to accept that this is where I am supposed to be, but it hasn’t been feeling good.  The other day I read something that made me think it was time to move on.

 Listen to the restlessness, it is telling you to ready yourself, to let loose, to strive for the magic and meaning of life once more.

 I am listening and ready for that magic.


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