When will it be my turn?
When will I have proven myself enough?
When will it be enough?
These are the thoughts that invade every still moment of my days. At what point will I have given enough and be truly open to receive? When will there be something to receive?
I’m a believer in fate. I believe things happen for a reason and that they happen when the time is right. There are lessons to learn and truths to accept in order to be in the right place for things to come. These days I’m beginning to feel like things will never come. Haven’t I already proven that I’m strong enough to face whatever life throws at me and still keep a positive outlook? Haven’t I already proven I’m not a quitter? Life has thrown me challenge after challenge and I have accepted each and every one and not let them break me…or have I. I feel a little broken.
I fall for the wrong men, I ask the wrong people for help, I go day in and day out grappling with those inner voices. Time and time again I keep falling into the same damn trap. Am I asking too much? Am I not asking enough? Is it time to throw my hands in the air and say THIS is the best you will ever have…I hope not. Today, it’s not so easy. Today I want to give up the fight for the life I’ve always thought was possible.
Reflecting on the last few years I can see all the times I’ve been able to face a particular challenge with faith and come out standing on my own two feet. It’s possible. Yet, I feel like I’m broken beyond repair. Thoughts are settling in and I’m having a hard time distinguishing whether or not it is another lesson to learn or just something I am unwilling to accept.
Rejection and abandonment have been there my whole life. Even so, I’ve never really felt like I let it tear me down…I’ve never thought I let it control me, but I may have been wrong. At what point will it stop? It shows up, I face it, I accept it, I move on and still keep putting myself out there…only to see it show up again. What the hell am I missing???
Keep busy. Refocus on other things. Ok,fine…but wait, there it is again. Fuck. Gather yourself together, refocus…done, oops, rejected again. Again and again and again…I just want to feel fucking sorry for myself. I want to know why truth, acceptance and love never settles in my life. I give all that and more (I think) and yet I still cannot receive.
Why? Why do I have to continually face things alone? Why do I have to repeat the same fucking lesson over and over and over when each and every time I feel as though I’ve triumphed? Did I not? Is there something I’m missing? Honestly, I’m looking and I’m willing and yet I can’t seem to settle on it. Rejected…ok, I’ll brush myself off and try again. Rejected…um, ok, let’s try again. Rejected…muther fucker!!!! SEE I’M PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE AGAIN ASSHOLE! Rejected. Fuck me.
Can I have a selfish moment? Can I be greedy just once? Can I point to my accomplishments and say “Look, see, I’ve been good I’ve done the work! Where’s my damn reward??”
Perhaps. Most likely I’ll be seeing the same lessons again…wondering again.