Just another chapter where the last page has been ripped out

The truth shall set you free.  Knowledge is power.  Seek and ye shall find….

Whatever.

The problem , resistance, struggle that plagues me most is when I am find myself unable to put the pieces together in a given situation.  When I want to see the whole picture and yet there are parts of it being blocked. I want to know, I want to understand.  How can I do better, or make better choices, or chose the right path if I don’t understand what I’m dealing with?  I have a few of those exact situations going on in my life right now…one in particular, and I’m sure to no surprise, has to do with the hunky stallion.  Here’s the thing that drives me crazy, he opens up to a point then finishes with “I don’t know”.  Seriously, come one…you had my full attention!!! I could almost see the rest of the of the story resting on his lips.  Sigh.  Maybe he really doesn’t know.  Maybe he’s afraid the truth would hurt my feelings.  Maybe he isn’t willing to accept his own feelings of betrayal and heartbreak.  Whatever it is…it keeps us separated, and for my own personal selfish reasons I want to understand why.

I’ve spent a year and a half involved with this man who has made me question so many things over and over again.  He still does not want to invite me fully in to his life, and yet he doesn’t seem to want me to go.  I know, some of you are thinking I should just drop it once and for all. Maybe that would be the smart thing to do…but, there is something that keeps me from walking away just yet and it’s not just fear.  I honestly believe there is something that we both need from each other, and I don’t think our story is meant to be over.  He has run away, yes, and I know that will always stay in the  back of my mind poisoning my own sense of security and trust.  If it were ever to grow to something more meaningful, like a full blown committed relationship, there will always be that part of me that won’t trust him.  I will always wonder if “this” will be the moment he chooses to run again…I will probably even try to push the boundaries just to test his commitment and see if it pushes him away.  At least, that’s how I used to be.  I haven’t had an opportunity to see if I could release that fear and trust someone.  Anyway, I believe that if he did run away again…I would let him go.  At this point I know there is no relationship worth spending years trying to fight that battle, I’ve done that enough in my life already.

He has shown me he cares…he listens, and he backs it up with action.  People don’t do that if they aren’t interested in being a part of someone’s life.  Right?  Telling someone you want more from them is an open door for them to walk right out..if they aren’t really committed to staying.  So herein lies my little dilemma…My own need to understand where you are and why you bother to make that effort, and yet still need to keep me keep at a distance.  Grrr….I know I have to release my desire to understand and allow it to just be, let him just be.  Give him the opportunity to open up at his own pace…if he chooses to open up at all.  I am trying…

I will say this…I’m a lot less obsessed with it than I was before.  Being with him, even if it’s not exactly the way I want it, eases my brain enough to  let go of a lot of the questioning, not all of it, but a lot.  Knowing that he has made an effort to be with me more, makes me feel like we are where we are supposed to be.  I get it…he’s guarded.  We all have our demons…some of us have faced them, and some of us haven’t.  Being someone who has faced,  battled, been bruised and broken by my own demons, only to step out in faith again and again, gives me a little empathy for those who have not yet found the strength to face their own.   It sucks…it opens door into our souls that many of us would rather not face.  It is easier to drown them out with booze drugs and sex, dysfunctional relationships and poor choices, instead of looking them right in the eyes and saying “you will not be the death of me.”  That choice is yours and yours alone. 

I am as content with the way things are right now as I can be without knowing the full story.  That is a welcome feeling…the contentment, not the lack of knowing.  So I go on day to day being more at peace, and learning to let go of my own selfish needs just a little bit.  Forever a work in progress…as life should be.

*************************

On a side note…and one more pleasing, in the 4 weeks since I’ve started my new workout routine (which is getting my ass handed to me three times a week) I have lost 3% body fat.  I’m increasing my lean muscle and actually starting to look stronger.  Time to step it up…yes that means I’m going to officially give up the smokes.  What?  You thought I would do that right away??  Haha, I’m a stubborn old broad, I’m still learning.  Tomorrow is the day…I can’t do it anymore, those trainers are killing me.  Well ok, it’s not the trainers so much as the fucking running, and jumping and shit like that makes my heart and lungs feel like they are going to burst out of my chest and lay lifeless on the ground.  So, I made a commitment to give them up…I hope I don’t let anyone down.

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