This has been a particularly shitty week for me. I’m going to blame hormones for taking it from just your average bad week to the level of fuck all this shit. Nothing major, just your every day bullshit adding up over and over and over taking me to near tears last night. Maybe I should have gone full blown ugly cry, instead I held back the tears reached out for comfort… and let my prayer be answered.
This is coming from a place I’m not really comfortable with right now. I’m a little bit excited and a little bit scared as shit. It’s that excited feeling you get when you put the last piece in the puzzle you’ve been working on For.Ev.ER. and then realize you have finished the puzzle and now have to find something else to do. That’s where I am and I knew this time was coming.
I hate my job. I’m disappointed in particular friendships. I’m disgusted with my “love” life. My parenting skills are fucked up. I don’t want to fix one more fucking thing in this house. The dog dug two holes in my newly planted grass and I’m pretty sure she’s peeing in the house on a regular basis (and yesterday she ate one of my good work shoes). There is an abscess in the tooth I just had a crown put on, and now I need a root canal. The money I took out to pay off my bills and give me a little cushion for the year, is already spent on all this bullshit.
You can see…I’ve let a lot of crap build up. I was/am mentally and emotionally exhausted. Never ever content to just let things be, and as I’ve stated before, I am a believer in fate, the law of attraction and in intention. So with all of this going on I thought it was time to look at everything and figure out the lessons. The work thing is pretty easy…as in, I get the lesson, but still want the hell out. The friendships are also easy, if a little disheartening, and all too familiar. The dog…that one is patience. Fuck. Now, the piece de resistance…the love life. Yeah, I’ve been skirting around that lesson for a long ass time, you know it and I will fully and gracefully admit that. I kept hoping it would change if I gave it enough time. Hey a girl can hope right. Anyway, over the last few days I’ve been asking for a sign. Show me what the lesson is. Show me the right path. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE ME A DAMN CLUE. So, it did.
I have to let go. Really let go…not sort of loosen the grip but still cling. Not kind of let go, and still allow myself to get pulled back in. Not even make the declaration and hope secretly (or not so secretly) that he won’t let me go. I need to actually pull my big girl panties up and let go of someone I like, who likes me. I need to let go of the great sex and the knee buckling kisses. It’s time to admit and accept the truth…its so close to my damn face I can feel it’s nose touching my nose, the hot breath on my face. “I know I could be, but I am content in my own place” That’s what he said. Can’t argue with that. Not like he said, I’m trying or even that he wants to be. Nope, he’s content in his own place…and that place has no room for me.
I am going to have to walk away from what is not and will not ever work…in order to allow myself the chance for something that will. It’s not easy…it’s never easy. Seriously, it’s not the first time I’ve had to do this (remember my divorce??) but if I can be honest…I’m fucking tired of it and I don’t wanna (insert full blown 6 year old temper tantrum) . Like my ex-husband, he’s not going to fight for me. He’s not going to suddenly realize that I was the best fucking thing to happen in his life and beg me to stay. He’s not going to step up and be the man I need in my life in order to not lose my affection. No, I don’t see any of that happening. I see myself pulling out, and him just moving on without me. I’ll be nothing more that a blip on his bedpost…Oh I’m sure he’ll remember me fondly, but he won’t miss me. That’s the shit that hurts the most.
There is no grand plan. No big Dear John letter working around in my head. I did, however, let him know he was on borrowed time. He probably knows that already. Like my ex, he may even have been waiting for my dumb ass to finally get it over with. Not thrilled with the situation, but not dissatisfied enough to want to be the bad guy and end it on his own. So now all I have to do is take a deep deep breath and let it out. I know I can do it…I’ve proven that many times. This will not break me enough that I won’t heal. I will come out a little bit stronger in the end, right? I hope. That is what I have to remember. That is where I need to keep my focus.