If only I could just turn off my feelings. If only I hadn’t allowed my feelings to get in the way in the first place. Blech. Stupid feelings.
Just enjoy a few hours together dumbass…the kissing, the touching the intimacy, it’s awesome and you know it. Stop giving a shit that he sits there next to you with his head swirling with all that garbage, quiet, not wanting to let you in to help sort things out. Just enjoy that time and leave not caring if you don’t talk to him for a while. Stop fucking wondering when you’ll see him again. MAN UP.
If only I could. Not care about what I wish it could be or what I’d like it to be.
It would be so nice to be a guy right now. Just in this one little area. Going on with my day to day life…bored, alone, not caring if there was someone to talk to, to kiss me and tell me things are going to be ok….to crawl into bed with.
I’m not a guy. I tried…I tried to enjoy what was being offered without letting my desire for companionship get in the way. I wanted to…Seriously. I can’t even count how many time I told myself that at the very least, I had someone who enjoyed my company (although not very often) who was with me and only me, and that it would be a foolish to just walk away from that.
I guess…to some degree, if I were a man, I’d be a fool. I couldn’t keep things going knowing how I felt. I couldn’t turn off those feelings for more than a day or two. No matter how much I tried to hold on to the good part, I couldn’t let go of what I really wanted. A lover to call my own. A man who is proud to be with me and isn’t afraid to show it, to anyone. Someone who could be brave enough to open up himself to the possibilities of what could be. One person I could be myself with and know without a doubt, would be there the next day.
Nope. I couldn’t let any of that go. Not like a guy could.
I had to be woman, put on my big girl panties and admit it. The TRUTH. Then, I had to remove myself from his life. His reasons are that he’s go to much going on to put in the time I deserved. Too much on his mind to go beyond just the little moments. Ok. I don’t want to be one more thing that clouds up his mind…he’s got enough of that, I get it. I didn’t want to pretend I was ok, when I knew I wasn’t. In order to be fair to both of us, I had to remove myself from the equation. Let him deal with shit and let me stop wishing for anything else.
Yeah, I feel a little like and idiot. There’s a small part of me that thinks I could have done it, wishes I could have done it…but I know, in the end, I would still want what I want. Dammit.
It sucks. Big time sucks. I’m really gonna miss those kisses.
I wish I could have been more like him. Just this once.