One step forward, two steps back, slide to the left…

I make mistakes.  I sometime make very impulsive and emotional decisions.  There are times, those mistakes and decisions are the very very right thing for me.

Yes, I made a choice.  A choice I believed in my head was the right thing to do.  Ok,so to be completely honest, I don’t even think my head believed that.  I think I did it more because I was floundering around not knowing what else to do but cut my losses and move on. Don’t stay where you are not wanted.  You aren’t getting exactly what you want. Get the fuck out. It makes perfect sense.

Except…that I made that decision knowing full well I was being emotional.  It was not a rational decision, it was a desperate one.  I don’t want to stay where I’m not wanted, that’s true, but I know that’s not the case.  It’s more like I’m not getting what I want the way I want and so I’m gonna stomp my foot, turn around and run.  That sounds more like the truth.  If he had let me, I would have kept running, perhaps with a little regret, but I would not have turned back. He would have been just one more man to add to the list that remind’s me that I don’t matter anyway.

If you want things to be different, you have to be willing to do things differently.

He came to me. He did what I have desperately wanted but been to chicken to do myself…talk.  He opened the door when I was ready to slam it shut and lock it behind me.  Finally I got to say out loud how I feel, and I got to hear first hand how he feels.  We have a lot of the same fears, he and I.  We have a lot of the same struggles.  All this time I’ve been struggling to get him to want things the same way I want them, and I never gave a thought to maybe trying to do things the way he wants.  He is making an offer…not for everything, but for something.

It’s obvious my way isn’t working for anyone.  I am fucking emotionally exhausted.  Time to be open to try something new.  Perhaps his way will be the better way.  Maybe his way won’t work either and eventually we’ll both realize there’s nothing worth holding on to.  Who knows.  What I do know is this doesn’t feel like a step forward, and yet it doesn’t feel like a step backward either.  I feel like we’re sliding a little to the side…right where we are, together.

He asked me not to close the door just yet. He’s the first one to ever do that.  For that reason I’m willing to try things differently and see if this thing matters to either of us.


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