You could say that I am a person who is not afraid of change. It would be more appropriate to say that I am more afraid of things never changing, always the same. This was the main reason I finally decided to get divorced. Fear that things would never change.
My daughter uses that phrase all the time. What if I’m late? What if it doesn’t work? What if it’s a complete disaster? What if the world explodes? My usual answer to this question is by asking the exact opposite. What if you’re on time? What if it does work? What if it’s a complete success? What if the world keeps on going just like it is?
Why all the doom and gloom? I can’t leave a relationship I’m miserable in because what if I never find someone new? I can’t quit my shitty job because what if I can’t find something that pays the same? I can’t enter into a new relationship because what if it turns out to be more of the same crap I’ve had before? What if? Well, what if you do find someone better? What if you do find something that pays more even or that you enjoy? What if this new relationship is something more wonderful than you ever thought possible.
Of course, you could argue that if you left a miserable relationship, you may end up alone for longer than you like. Quitting a job you hate and taking a new one may not pay more or may not be as enjoyable as you hoped. Starting a new relationship, well, yes it could be more of the same crap. But let me ask you this…so what?
You’re alone for a while…will it kill you? Nope. The first job isn’t that much better…keep looking. This relationship looks a lot like the last…move on. Just because we take a step outside of what’s familiar doesn’t mean we step into concrete platforms where we must remain forever. You always have the choice to take another step…or three or four if need be. Fear of what may or may not happen is a lazy excuse for staying somewhere stuck, unhappy or just plain bored.
I’m not afraid of change. I love the adventure of life and the endless possibilities that come with it. I’ve taken tiny chances that have paid off and huge chances that have headed little to be impressed about. The wonderful part of all of it is that until I’m dead there is always a chance for something better. I do my very best to try to be open to those possibilities no matter what…even if they scare the hell out of me.
A few weeks ago I had a very nice conversation with the hunky stallion. We talked about why he doesn’t want a “relationship” at this time. His points are understandable…and I get where he’s coming from. The only real issue I have with it is that he has put a nice comfortable box around what he thinks a relationship is instead of considering the possibility that (with me) it could be something completely different, maybe even wonderful. He said “what if I do this and this…what happens three months from now?” My reply…”I don’t know”. I don’t. Maybe nothing happens. Maybe what he fears most is exactly what happens. Maybe, something beautiful and magical happens. Unfortunately, I don’t know what will happen…but it seems for now, I’m the only one who is open to the possibilities.
I decided to let him lead things for awhile. Give it a couple of months and see where things go. Maybe they go nowhere. He may still feel exactly the same way he does now. It’s possible things start to grow, and he starts to see that I’m not trying to do to him the things other woman have. Maybe I come to the realization that this just isn’t where I belong. Who knows…but I’m willing to give it a try. Of course within the first two weeks I was in a near panic and on the verge of being an emotional shit-bag like I’ve done so many times before. Fortunately, I was able to remind myself that this is a process…I must trust the process. So, I took a deep breath and let go of my needs. Ahhh, that does feel a lot lighter.
Big changes. After my divorce I would have liked nothing more than to have been able to pick up and move as far away from this place as possible. I’ve dreamed of moving away from here for as long as I can remember. Things never seemed to work out that way for me. Now, here I am, 44 years old and still living in a place that has never felt like home to me. I’ve always thought that this was a pit stop…I just never imagined it would take so long to refuel. Then I had a conversation with my daughter that opened up the possibility that maybe…the time to get out may be closer than I thought.
I recently visited with my sister in Colorado. It’s beautiful there. So very different from where I am. She said I should move there. Haha…yeah, that would be nice…but. So I brought it up to my daughter and she said she would move there, even leave her friends. Maybe after the boy graduated HS next year…I was shocked. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I think I’m really going to be moving to a new state next year….but what I have a renewed sense of the possibilities. No more is it “I got at least xxx more years before I can go.” Now it’s…hmm….let’s be open to it.
What if…there are about to be some big changes coming my way? Bring it on! I am (again) open to the possibilities.