I am a firm believer in following your gut. Firm. There have been many times trusting my gut over everything else has proven to be for the best. I have made what some might think are extremely risky choices based on what my gut has told me. It knows more than my heart and my brain will ever be able to understand. It’s proven that many times over. I trust it. We’re buds…
Right now, I can’t hear it.
I’m trying to listen….trying to figure out what the hell it’s trying to tell me but my fucking brain is too damn loud these days. Blah blah blah my fucking brain goes all the time. Fear? Probably. Doubt? Most assuredly. I just can’t seem to quiet the voices in my head long enough to hear what my gut is telling me. It’s driving me crazy. I’m irritable and emotional. I want to give up, throw in the towel, hide. This has got to stop.
I know what I need to do. It’s no secret that I need to let go. Let go of this “need” I have. Things are pointing me in that direction…let go of control. Let go of the need to make things a certain way. Let go of trying to understand. Let go of trying to be understood. Just let the fuck go…of all of it. Relax. Release.
I know this. How to actually get it done is the problem I’m having. Maybe it’s more like I’m just not wanting to be honest with myself. Or maybe I’m afraid of the answer. For fuck’s sake.
The truth is, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in the job I’m in, the house I’m in, the town I’m in or the state I’m in. I want to just pack up and move…get out, start over. Walk away from everything. It’s causing me a lot of anguish. Unfortunately, the biggest problem with just picking up and getting the fuck out is…I’m taking myself with me. Me and all my shit. Internal mental shit that is. I don’t actually own any shit. It’s all stuff…you have shit, I have stuff. Ask George Carlin…he knows. Anyway, there is a sense of understanding that if I pick up and move away, without dealing with what’s really wrong, then I’m just going to take that shit with me and end up right where I am now. I don’t want that. Please please for the love of all that is holy in this world, I don’t want that.
It’s not the location, the job, the house…it’s me. Me and all my bullshit. I know this. Still, I can’t seem to quite myself long enough to deal with any of it. I’m sad, kind of. I’m stuck. That’s more like it. Stuck and the only way to get out of it is to unlace my boots, pull my tired feet out and step the fuck away. I know this…see, I’m not oblivious to this shit. I know.
Maybe now, that I’m actually admitting to myself what needs to happen, I can start doing something about it. Take some time off from thinking about it, get out of my crazy head. Time to focus on release. This is the perfect time to do that.
I know what needs to be done…now is the time to just start doing it.