I’m exhausted…physically and mentally.
Just when I think I’m comfortable with where I am…something comes along to remind me why I want the fuck out.
Universe “Hey Dawn, you feeling comfy?”
Me “Why yes…I think I really am.”
Universe “giggle…wait for it.”
Anyway it hasn’t drawn me in to that dark abyss of poor me when will this shit ever end. It was just a little nudging to remind me to not get complacent.
Yes, I got it…thanks for the fucking reminder.
So, anyway, Thurs are usually kind of difficult for me. It’s a time I can go enjoy some company and no curfew. Typically it’s the Hunky Stallion I want to spend time with. I was wondering how I would feel about having an evening to myself and NOT reaching out for some time. Turns out…I was good with it. Not even an little twinge of aching. Hmm….really? Ok, knowing myself too well, I thought I’d give it time to sink in some more. Friday night, no friends available…just me the dog and some movies. Surely that would make me miss him. Nope. There was no desire to reach out. No desire to see if I could wiggle my way into his bed. Nothing…there was just a sense of peace and acceptance.
Whew. I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for that. If you have been reading along with me for the last year or so…you know, it’s been a long time coming. Too long. For the first time since he walked into my life…I did not miss him. Deep breath…exhale.
I spent the weekend alone…working on things I needed to work on. Things around the house…not on Me. I’m good with me. It seems I back into that place I’ve been before not whining to myself about not having a relationship. There’s enough things to keep me busy, and even when I’m not busy my mind doesn’t immediately go to what I’m missing. Apparently accepting where he is in his life right now has opened the door for me to accept where I am. Go figure.
There are a lot of things coming up to look forward to. A visit from my sister. A vacation!! Time away from work. Time with people I love. Good things. I put a serious dent in some things around the house…and it’s inspired me to do a little more. I set my quit smoking date and promised my daughter there would be no more damn excuses.
Things are looking good for me…even if it is just me and me alone.