I’m in a bad place right now. It’s taken a while for me to truly acknowledge that fact. I’m sad. I’m withdrawing. I worry about every single aspect of my life. It’s tearing me up and I feel like I’m scraping the edge of life by my bloody fingernails.
Money: It’s tight, to put it gently. Tight in my way of thinking isn’t that I have no money, it’s that I just don’t know if the money I have is going to do what I need it to do. My daughter just started high school and my son will be graduating at the end of this school year and going on to college. How am I going to make it? Just 4 more years in this fucking house is all I need and I don’t know if I can do it. If I sell it, it will be for a loss I’m sure. If I move I won’t be able to afford to stay in my daughters school district. She get’s it…she’s a smart girl. I can’t do that to her, she doesn’t deserve to be pulled away from her friends when she’s fully enjoying high school life and her friends…I can’t do it. I reached out to my ex for some help, I haven’t heard back yet.
My Ex: He’s getting married in approximately 6 weeks. Good for him…really. He’s not sacrificing a thing. He’s sold his place, sold the girlfriends, bought a house together, bought his second new car in 3 years…all without a thought to anyone but himself. He’s cried poor mouth to me a few times…must be rough. Engagement ring, wedding, new house, new car, motorcycle, snowmobiles….I can see how that could all be hard. I don’t expect him to “bail” me out or anything…that’s not what I need or want. I’m frustrated that he continues to live free without the burden of thinking about anyone or anything but himself and what he wants. This is nothing new…but it still frustrates the shit out of me.
My job: Why oh why the hell has the Universe seem fit to keep me here so long??? Is it payback for some terrible misdeed? I wain back and forth between doing everything I can to find a way out, to settling in and making the best of it. We’re treated like children, dismissed when we have anything to say, forced to listen to him sing karaoke or tell him how great he looks after losing xx pounds on his new diet. There there’s the professional crap…or lack of professionalism if way to many cases. So much goes against every fiber of my being but no matter how much I try there seems to be some reason for me to stay put. It’s slowly chipping away at me, one day I’m gonna snap.
The hunky Stallion: Let’s just say…we’ll talk about it later.
My friends: I am very lucky to have some great people in my life. Unfortunately I’m slowly pushing them all away. I’ve been called out on it and admitted to it…I just can’t seem to stop it. The place I’m in right now makes me miserable. Who wants to be around someone who’s sad and quiet and withdrawn??? So, I pull back, decline offers and eventually feel even sadder and more alone than before. It’s a pattern of mine and believe me I’m trying to break it. Honestly…just give me some time.
Me: Oh where to start…where to stop. I suck. I’m still working out, still smoking, still eating and drinking like I think I can make up for it tomorrow…only I’m not a dumb ass and I know better, I’m just not doing better. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears every fucking second, only when I give myself an opportunity to let it out….nothing fucking happens. I give myself the same talk I would a loved one going through this, I weigh the pros and cons, encourage myself, give myself a break and yet I can’t seem to move one goddamn inch.
Frozen. It’s uncomfortable and it making me sick to my stomach. I’ve reached out for professional help. Something tells me I’m going to cry for the first 15 mins after I open my mouth. It’s something. I don’t know what I need right now. Not sure what kind shaking I need before my ass finally get’s itself out of this shit. Whatever it is I hope it happens soon. It this goes on for to much longer I fear I just might not recover.