I’m not broken…just bent.

I finally reached out for professional help.  I love my friends…but there comes a point where you need to hear advise that isn’t wrapped up in someone else’s emotions.

After just one visit I’m already feeling much more relaxed and hopeful.  There’s nothing like opening up, telling your story, and having someone tell you that you aren’t broken.

My mother: His response was that if I completely and fully accepted her that her resistance and anger would fade…We’re going to have to work on that some more simply because I feel that I have done that too often.  I don’t have time or energy to give her what she needs to heal…and honestly, I’m not sure I really want to.  I’m working on me…do your own damn work.

The Job: He get’s it.  Hang on, don’t give up, keep looking for something better.  We laughed at how similar my boss is to my mother.  I think this is more of an exercise on self empowerment.  Finding the line between stroking his ego without losing myself completely.

My Ex: Yep, he’s met him.  Thankfully I’m not just seeing this through the eyes of and ex wife, I’m seeing him as he really is.  We’re going to have to work on my own way to deal with it.  He’s the same man he was.

The Hunky Stallion: It’s an all too familiar road.  He told me that I really do give too much, I take it all on myself.  Then he told me that is not a character flaw…it’s just time I put that into a relationship that is worth it.

I listen.  I process.  I don’t always make the right decisions.  I’m not ready to give up on myself just yet.  As I was doing the same thing I always do….throwing myself in to try to make him see what a mistake it would be not to give me a chance, I snapped.  Oh you…you’re so cute, doing the same damn thing over and over expecting a different response.  That’s cute, wake the fuck up, it doesn’t work.

I’ve always been the kid of women men desire, but I have never inspired one to be a better man or take the relationship to the next level….I’m not the kind of woman men fall in love with.  For this, I can’t blame them…it’s completely my own fault.  I make it too easy for them to be lazy and that does not feed into their own desire.  They like the chase.  I’m an easy catch.  One thing I love about the hunky stallion is that has been  honest with me.  He let’s me in…and sometimes it takes awhile to see what I’m doing is in complete opposition to what he is telling me.

“I like it when I have to chase you.”

As I was planning out my next seductive move…that statement shot to the front of my brain.  I stopped and realized that I was given a beautiful gift…a look inside of his own desire, and there I was ignoring it completely.  That’s when I started to really wrap my brain about my own familiar patterns…I was/am in the process of destroying an opportunity to actually get what it is I really wanted.

I told him I hear you…”could” “should” never “want” or “will”.  Time to step away, give him time to decide if there is room in his life for me.  Time for me to come to terms with the fact that I cannot keep doing the same thing over and over and not expect to to have the same damn relationship.

So I stepped back.


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