You don’t have to read much that I write to know that I believe that there is a force that guides us and there are signs and lessons everywhere if only you pay attention.
Lately I’ve been letting a lot of things get into my head. That’s not unusual. What was unusual was not being able to work through them and instead let them swirl around until I was feeling desperate and filled with extreme anxiety and even hopelessness. Most of the time I allow these situations or circumstances to enter in allowing myself to feel uneasy and sometimes scared…till I let them out and start to find solutions. This was not one of those times. It had been building up for so long that I felt I was nearing a full and complete meltdown.
Almost as soon as I made the appointment to see my counselor things started to ease up a bit. Not enough to stop me from nearly bursting out in tears, at work no less…but it was a start. When I got there I dumped everything into his lap at once. Whoa!
He told me for one thing I do not really think to much…I feel too much. My actions do not come from my thinking but from my feelings…and those should not be trusted. We’re not talking gut feelings, or instinct, which we should totally trust, but from that sweet innocent child like part of you that has no business taking charge of your adult life. I need to stop feeling so much, and actually start thinking more.
Leaving the office was like finally letting go of the breath you’ve been holding for so long. Finally…I felt hopeful instead of hopeless.
Now I was able to pay attention to what the Universe is trying to tell me. Like opening a window for the first time in the spring.
Suffering comes from attachment.
Haven’t I already faced this particular lesson? I’m sure I have…once or twice. Whatever, here it is again. Was I being attached? Hell yes I was. Attached to what I want, what I think I deserve, what other people should be doing, what isn’t fair…and so on. From the Ex, to the job, to the finances, to the Hunky Stallion…it was all about attachment.
What is attachment? It is when you hold something outside of you responsible for your own well being. You can not feel happy unless you have this or that. You can not feel peace unless this happens. You can not feel love unless you get this from them. You attach your personal well being on something specific that you have no control of.
Since allowing myself to acknowledge this attachment to all of the things that was causing suffering I was able to start to see some solutions. I was able to loosen up my grip on what I have no control of. Answers and solutions started coming from every direction. I could breath easy and start seeing that I was ok, right where I am, and that things were going to be ok…even though they may not turn out exactly the way I want.
There is a lot of work ahead of me. I’ve got to hustle up that smart confident strong woman inside of me and let her do what she is good at. I’m a long way from where I want to be…but I’m on my way. For now the feelings of peace and sense of hope are stronger the the fear and anxiety.
The first thing to happen was being able to address a situation with my ex that involved compassion, facts and not allowing emotion to get involved. I felt empowered and felt that there was a light at the end of this. Finally.