Accepting my fear

You can’t always get what you want…but you might get what you need.

This is the running theme of my therapy sessions. It is an opportunity for me to rethink what I’m looking for…is it something I want, or something I need.

There is no doubt there is fear.  That’s evident in just about every choice I make.  The trouble is in the pinpointing the fear and figuring my way out of it.  This is where I seem to get stuck.  Am I afraid of never getting what I want, or afraid I might get everything I want and fuck it up? A coin flip either way would probably be spot on.

I can let go of a lot of stupid thinking…one I can’t seem to shake is the thought that I don’t deserve, not worthy.  Sure there have been plenty of reasons for me to have come to this shitty conclusion.  Abandonment by my father, mental and emotional abuse from my mother, being married to an emotionally unavailable man.  It’s not to hard to absorb all of that and come to the stupid realization that you must not really deserve to be loved.  Trouble is, I know it’s all bullshit.  So why can’t I work my way out of it?

Lately there have been reminders…that I am allowing things into my life to constantly re confirm this load of shit.  As much as I keep telling myself I know I do deserve better…I don’t really believe it and so I keep attracting to me that which reflects my true and inner belief. Aaaahhhhhhrrrrrr…..mother fucker.

Here is my smart intellectual self seeing and recognizing all this.  No longer do I need to be beat down to nothing to finally have my moment of enlightenment.  That’s a small victory. The bigger victory would be to actually do those things that would put myself at an advantage.  Instead…I wallow, helpless and broken.

My counselor told me to think like the smart confident woman that I am and do what she would do.  Ok…smart confident women don’t sit around and feel sorry for themselves.  They don’t take shit from people.  They don’t keep doing the same thing over and over and hope that this time will be different.  Nope.  That smart confident woman takes charge of her life…she expects the best of herself and those around her.  She sees when she is giving in to fear and stops in her tracks before she falls flat on her beautiful face.

This time I’m going to work harder to listen to her.  She has given me the courage to accept that I was suffering with my relationship with the hunky stallion because I was attached to what HE was doing..or not doing.  The next step is to stop settling.  He is a beautiful sweet caring man.  No doubt there.  He knows just the right thing to say to make me stop and not give up.  Smart confident me says that words don’t mean shit if there is not action to back them up.

It’s a dual lesson.  One for him…back up with some action.  Most importantly is the one for me….back up with some fucking action.  I’m not going to lie…I’m scared as shit.  Perhaps that’s the bigger lesson here.  I’m scared of staying where I am…and scared of moving.  Which one is the bigger fear??? Staying right where I am.  So, once again, I’m about to take one giant leap of faith and rip myself out of this miserable dis-comfort zone.

I see a pity party for myself.  I see a stumble here and there.  I also see eventually there will be something amazing…For this moment I’m going to just settle for better than this, and tip toe myself forward.  Stop allowing my emotions to take the lead.  Stop thinking sex is the same as honest affection.  Start valuing myself more.  Start taking action.


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