Hands to heaven…I think I finally got it.

Have you ever had one of those conversations with a friend…where you are telling them that you are fine, everything is good, but deep down inside, you know that just isn’t true?  Inside of you, you are turning and restless and unsure of anything…but what you want most is to get where you say you already are, so you pretend that you are there, when you know you still have far to go.

I’ve been there.  I’ve done that too many times.  Pretending that I’ve got my shit together…knowing that I should have my shit together. Having the right answers….but unable to put any of them into place. Hoping if I can convince that other person…maybe just maybe, I can convince myself as well.

This time was different.  This time when I told my friend where my focus was…how I was doing, I was really honestly there.  Truth is…until that moment, I wasn’t really sure myself.  When I went on to explain how I was doing…the things I was doing to move forward…how I wasn’t focused on the end, but actually taking steps that no matter what happened, it would only make each and every possibility better.  This time…as the words came out I felt a wave of conviction and truth wash over me.  I am really doing this.  I am really moving forward with no regret and no fear…I am just doing what I need to do to make sure whatever happens, I will be in a better place.

It was a strange feeling.  At no point did I wonder if she could “see through me”. I was being completely honest.  Maybe at some point there will be someone in my life to fill the empty space.  Maybe I will find myself in a position that I can no longer financially afford to stay in this home.  Maybe, I will be able to make a choice and move on to something else.  No matter what….clearing out the clutter will make any one of those just a little easier.

I walked away feeling really good about myself.  Something that I haven’t felt in quite a while.  I had a deep sense that I was on the right path…making the right choices for all the right reasons.  There was no forcing myself into one particular box in order to fulfill a particular unknown scenario…there was just peace and acceptance.  FINALLY.

This, my friends…is what we are truly searching for.  Truth, acceptance and peace.  I have no idea what the actual turning point was.  Maybe something my therapist said.  Maybe something I read or heard.  Maybe divine intervention.  Whatever it is I am completely grateful for it.  There is no longer a need to put on a front for the people around me.  No more fake it till I make it moments for me.  This time…it’s real and it’s enveloped me like a warm fuzzy quilt on a cold winter night.

At some point you have probably heard that you should have no expectations.  You may have read somewhere that you need to live in the now, without any worry or fear of what might come.  I have.  Many many…many times.  It has always made sense to me intellectually, perhaps spiritually…but I’ve never really been able to grasp the HOW.  My life has been all about trying to be one step ahead of the problem.  Be ready for the accusation, the assault, the proverbial rug to be pulled out from under me.  It’s what I’ve known for as long as I can remember.  Being present in the moment, making decisions that will be positive for my life no matter what direction it goes, has something that has never really been an option for me.  At least, it never appeared that way from wherever I was standing.

When I left my lunch date I was feeling light and joyous.  I was able to look strangers in the eye and smile.  The feelings I had on the inside could be see on the outside so much so that people would say “hi”…and as strange as that sounds, it’s been a long time since that has happened.  For much too long I’ve kept my head down, fearing to look up and catch someone’s eye…fearing they may possibly see the darkness I felt inside.  That’s hard to admit…and it’s very out of character for me.

I’m returning back to the me that’s been hiding.  I’m finally lifting my head up and looking for the joy…I can’t tell you how wonderful that is.

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4 thoughts on “Hands to heaven…I think I finally got it.

    1. Therapy had helped a lot. I’m sure this won’t last forever, and I’m ok with that. Right now I’m going to enjoy where I am and keep in mind that I can always get back to this.

    1. It certainly beats having a breakdown.
      I can’t tell you how good it feels to say…I keep thinking some part of me is going to call Bullshit…but I think this time it’s really happening!!

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