Managing my addiction…

Most people have some kind of addiction or another….even if we aren’t openly aware of it.  There is substance addiction like drugs alcohol or tobacco.  There is addiction to work, or exercise or food.  Then, like me, there are those who suffer from an addiction to patterns or feelings.

My name is Dawn, and I am addicted to giving people too many chances.

Like any addiction I am compelled to give in to those people who have repeatedly proven that they do not deserve it.  I can’t help it.  When presented with an opportunity to use my better judgement, inveritably my addiction rears it’s ugly head and compels me time and again to give anyone I care about another chance.

I’m getting help.  I’m finding out the “why” of my specific addiction.  As it turns out, it goes back to being conditioned that if I do not give someone I care about another chance, then I am not showing that person love.  If I do not forgive the abuse, misunderstanding, hurt or pain that person has caused me, then I must not really care about them.

With any addiction, this continued pattern has not served me well, but I must be getting something out of it, right?  True…there is always a pay off with any addiction, but the bottom line is that it breaks a part of you each and every time you give in to it.  I’m tired of being broken.  I want to be loved…but I do not need to be loved by people who are incapable of loving me in a healthy way.

My counselor has given me an assignment.  One strike.  That’s all I’m allowed to give.  Don’t call when you say you will. Done.  Break a date. Done.  Come in to my home and abuse me…Done.  I laughed…cause I know that this is going to be very tough for me.

I mean come on.  What kind of loving individual would I be if I didn’t give someone another chance???  I couldn’t at first wrap my head around that idea.  Then I realized that people who truly love me, those who deserve my love in return, don’t need a 2nd or 3rd or 99th chance.  They don’t abuse me or mistreat me.  That is not love…well not healthy love anyway.  Breaking this addiction will also make me less and less attractive to the people who thrive on people like me.  What narcissistic individual wants to be with someone who isn’t giving in to their needs?  We established a long time ago that I am a beacon for narcissism…and that needs to stop if I am going to have the life I want…the live I deserve.

So as I travel along this road of live and love…I embrace my new motto.  You get one shot buddy…fuck it up and you’re OUT!!

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2 thoughts on “Managing my addiction…

  1. Hmm…I hope this exercise isn’t a little too black & white. I mean I get the point of it–you have to condition yourself, but every now and then slack does need to be cut.

    1. I understand what you are saying…but it does really need to be a bit more on the rigid side. We’re talking about people who are abusive and toxic. Those people do not need to be given another chance. As well as potential romantic partners…lest I find myself in another addictive pattern.

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