During my last therapy session we talked about how I am moving into a new phase. We talked about how the last few years were not wasted, and how I’m now moving towards the desire to thrive and not just survive, and we talked about confidence.
He said something to me that kind of took me off guard. “You have no reason whatsoever to not be confident.” He’s right. Yet when he said it I felt such and emotional surge…like a child who needed desperately to hear that message from a parent. Unfortunately, I don’t have the kind of parents who would give me that sort of encouragement…so it’s the type of thing I usually tell myself, only its often surrounded by all the darkness of being raised to believe you are worthless.
I realized that most of the choices I have made in my life have been due to this lack of confidence. Certainly my choice in relationships would be evidence that I have no sense of that understanding. I mean really…I’m sure I don’t need to go back and recount all my poor choices in men. Even with friends…the good one’s I push away. It’s time to change all of that.
So I was given that “one shot” assignment. Luckily I was able to put it to practice almost immediately. I’m back to online dating. Sigh. Anyway, this time does feel to me different, and in my ever optimistic thinking (or perhaps wishful thinking), I thought maybe the responses I would get would also be different.
There have been two in particular that made it relatively easy to put this one shot into practice. The first started a conversation when I was getting ready to leave, I said “perhaps we could continue later.” He said “perhaps”. A few hours later I was back online…and apparently so was he. Within about 2 mins I get “thanks for reaching out.”
My flag was up. “Was that sarcasm?”
Hmm…”My first instinct is to say you are being a bit nasty, but I’m going to be optimistic here. How was your day?”
Poof…he was gone. Guess I got it right the first time. Apparently I didn’t message him immediately upon signing on so that was my downfall. Oh well.
About two hours later he says “I’m sorry, I thought you were playing games.”
Me?? “Oh, no, I’m not that kind of lady.”
“So when are we going to cuddle?”
Seriously??? “Um you go from thinking I’m playing games to wanting to cuddle?? That’s fast.”
“Hey you only live once.”
Yeah buddy…but not with you. I chose not to respond. He messaged back a short while later. “No response. I guess you’re too uptight for me.
Whatever dude…my choices are unlimited. So I move on.
The next gentleman was 57. We had a few nice messages then he asked if he could call. The conversation was nice, I was relaxed and he was pleasant. Later on he asked if I could send him a selfie to add to my contact. I hadn’t showered and not really a fan of my personal selfies, so I sent a saved picture. He said “you didn’t just take that” I said no and explained why. He said “oh, so I guess I’ll get one out of the shower then.”
No. “Ha ha. Nice try”
He sends me one of him decked out in bears gear sitting in the car. Then another one. Then one of him in a towel barely hanging on to cover his junk.
“Thought it went well with our conversation.” I didn’t respond. “oh, you’re serious.”
“Yes I am.”
“Well, hon, it was just supposed to be fun. You should have just laughed. At least I didn’t send you a picture of my junk.” Yes, thankfully, but I’m not looking for that shit anymore. Delete.
After about a half hour he sends me a message “I guess it wouldn’t work with us. You’re too uptight.”
Clearly, he doesn’t know me. “You didn’t even take the time to get to know me. Clearly yes, it wouldn’t work out….but it’s not because I’m uptight.”
So there you have it folks. I’m back in the game!! Can you all throw out a little Woot Woot for me!!
One strike. Confidence. Yes indeed…I’m feeling quite good about myself. There is no room in my life, my mind or my heart for the old shit I used to settle for.
I like this Confidence. It feels all warm and cozy. I’d better get used to it…it might be the only thing keeping me warm this winter.