Here I am. Still sleeping with the same man, still working the same shitty job, still living in the same house. Nothing has changed over this last year. Nothing…except that right now I am in a much better place.
Still online “dating”, still getting the same lame responses. Still trying to figure out why I’ve held on to the Stallion for too long. Still wondering why love and romance seems to evade me. Still unable to keep the house clean, or stop smoking, or consistently make dinner with my kids….and yet, I’m happy.
I’ve spent a lot of this year in a fog. Unable to be content, unable to move forward. Focusing on all the “lack” I have in my life. Concentrating more on what I don’t have and not enough time I what I do have. I’ve failed in almost all of my endevors. Still, right in this moment I feel really good.
What happened? Nothing changed. Nothing happened this year to make anything different, so why as the year comes to a close do I feel so different.
I’m not sure I really have the answer to that. Nothing on the outside changed. Much has changed on the inside. It reminds me of many arguments I used to have with my ex husband…how can you be so happy when things are so shitty? Because I don’t think things are so shitty.
I don’t have a lot of the things I want. I do have everything I need. Somehow, that very lesson became the main focus. Somehow my mental focus shifted into a better place…and I can’t say what specifically made that happen. Maybe it was a lot of little things. Maybe over time I got so damn sick of being sad that my mind baby stepped its way to a better perspective.
This feels good. I feel good. Lessons learned, repeated, ignored, learned again.
This too shall pass. Yes, it’s a great reminder when you are in a slump and things feel hopeless. It’s also a great lesson when you are feeling good. There will be more disappointment. More rejection. More unsettling feelings. This too shall pass.
Today I can be content in knowing that this feels good. I can stock pile my strength and be ready when the next wave of dissatisfaction comes my way. It will come. I will be ready.