Raising my standards

So I was talking with this guy from POF. He seemed nice enough.  I agreed to meet this last Friday.  Truth is, I wasn’t really all that attracted, but I was thinking it was time to get my ass off the couch and get out and start meeting people.  We exchanged numbers, and started texting.

He sent me several messages telling me what he was looking for, and what he had to offer a lady.  I told him, he didn’t need to sell himself to me.  I was looking forward to meeting him and see where it goes.  Then he asked me if we went out, would I still talk to other men.  Huh?  Yes.  Until there is a commitment, I would still be leaving my options open.

Then he says that he only focuses on one woman at a time.  Ok. Flag one.  I ended the conversation telling him to have a nice Christmas and that I was looking forward to meeting him Friday.

Christmas morning I got a message “Marry Christmas.” Huh??? Typo obviously.  I didn’t respond right away since I was already feeling a little off on this one.  Then I got another one.  “Marry Christmas.”  Seriously dude…you’re 44 years old and MERRY Christmas is flashing in your face every 5 seconds.  I replied “Same to you.”  10 mins later…”Hi”.  I ignored.  An hour later….”Hi”.  Now, mind you, this may seem like I’m being a snob, and honestly I hope you understand that is not my intention…but I knew, in my gut, this was not the guy.  So I blocked him from my phone and online.  I didn’t feel like I needed to explain myself…I just needed to get out.

My counselor said that was a smart move.  Remember, I have a one strike rule now.  Whatever it was about this guy…my instincts said No! Get out. Over the years I’ve learned that my instincts are way smarter-er than my brain or my heart have ever been.

He asked about the Hunky Stallion…I brought up how I had made an offer to bring him and his guys lunch at work.  I told him not long after I made that offer, I knew in my gut was another attempt to “change his mind.”  When I realized that was what I was doing, and that I knew that it was not going to change anything, I wanted to back out.  The sad part is I didn’t know how without sounding like an asshole…or a total flake.  Thankfully the Universe gave me an out, short day, they’ll all be gone by lunchtime.  I feel like it was my reward for being honest with myself about the intention behind the offer.

I told my counselor that I was thinking about my place in the Hunky Stallion’s life.  It’s the holidays…we’ve been together for nearly two years, had countless passionate nights together, long deep conversations, confessions of our own demons and regrets.  Given all of that, he still has no desire to spend any part of the holidays with me.  I realized, I’m not on the list.  I told him that I could understand not being at the top of the list…but I’m not even on it.  Nowhere.  To be honest, I don’t believe that I should be on his list…I’m just acknowledging that I’m not. We all have the right to have whomever we want on our list, and no matter how wonderful I am, if I’m not important to him, I shouldn’t have a spot.

He told me…I SHOULD be at the top of the list.  But…but I said, what about the kids?  Shouldn’t they be at the top? He said, we have our kids…and we’ll take care of them just fine, but as far as a relationship goes I should be at the top.  Me??? At the top of someone’s list??? WTF??? This is a completely strange concept for me.  I’ve spent my entire life settling for being somewhere in the middle….or even the bottom, just happy to be on the list at all.

He said it’s time I raise my standards.  He said I stay way past my welcome in any negative situation…be it job and/or relationship.  It’s time for me to be on the top of my own list…and settle for nothing less from any relationship.

Honestly, I’m still wrapping my head around that.  It makes perfect sense, and deep down I know it’s what I want, what I deserve and certainly what I give….but there’s a long lifetime of conditioning to dismantle here.

I’m ready to put 2014 to rest.  I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me this coming year.

It’s gonna be a good one…I know it.

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5 thoughts on “Raising my standards

  1. I never wanted to comment on your relationship with THS (until now, since it sounds like it might be over) but it sounded like a win for him and a lose for you. Like you were settling for crumbs and he was the one doling them out when he felt like it. And maybe he is a nice guy, but you weren’t getting what you want (and deserve).

    1. You are so very right. There was a little plus for me, but in the end it wasn’t what I deserved and even he acknowledged that. I could write a whole new post about the similarities to this relationship and that of my ex husband. Oh boy was that an eye opener. Lol. I appreciate your comment!

  2. Self-awareness is often a wonderful thing, and I work at it every day. But it is also scary to realize some truths, like where you find yourself repeating past behaviors that didn’t work for you then and don’t work for you now. I can so relate.

    1. Yes indeed. It was one of those moments were I thought Omg, I had this same conversation with HIM! It’s hard realizing that patterns are there even if the recipient is different. Always love a lesson!

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