Counselor “He is thinking only of himself and his needs, right?”
Daily I let things settle in with my situation with the Hunky Stallion. I have little Ah-ha moments that strengthen my resolve that this is and always will be a dead end relationship. Even though my intellectual brain KNOWS this…my emotional brain needs to understand and analyze it or I know I will continue to make the same mistakes.
One day I was thinking about our last (and not only) conversation about what I wanted from a relationship…then all of the sudden it hit me. “Why does this sound so fucking familiar???” I realized that it is the same exact conversation I have had with my ex husband year after year of our marriage.
It was always the same…Me doing my best to be ok with not getting what I need from the relationship until one of us explodes. Sometimes it was him. Sometimes it was me. However it started, it was always ALWAYS the same damn conversation.
Me: I need this!
Him: Yes I know. OR Yes you deserve that. OR I can’t do that.
Nothing changed. NOTHING.
You would think I would have learned. I guess there are some things you have to learn again and again and a-fucking-gain to get it through your head.
I’m seduced by sweet words of intention….I want so much to believe that the other person really wants to give me what I want, what I deserve. Somewhere in my crazy fucked up brain I honestly believe that when someone says they understand that withholding their affection from you hurts you that they are going to stop withholding…stop hurting you. Experience has taught me otherwise…and it seems I still need to repeat the lesson.
Now…I get, it is ME who needs to do the “changing”. Why do I let myself get stuck thinking that if I just give him more time he’ll get on board? That’s a great question, and I think if my counselor were to answer that, he would tell you that I was raised to be giving…and giving…and giving….Yes, folks, we can blame my fucked up relationship behaviors on my mother. Come on! Give me a WHAT WHAT!!! It’s not my fault…she fucked me up good.
Except for one little thing…I am an adult. I’m now responsible for my own actions…even if those actions are breed into the very fibers of my existence. I am responsible for whether or not I continue to play the part I was raised to play, or stand up for my own well being and say FUCK that shit.
Yes the wolf is different…but it’s the same dynamic every single time. I am catching on. Thankfully I’m becoming wiser faster…I was married to my ex husband way longer than I should have been. I’m not going to say I regret it because in all those years I was blessed with two beautiful children and grew as a person in ways I probably wouldn’t have had I been in a different relationship. The thing is that at my age…45 this year (fuck)…I don’t have another 20 years to wonder if he is going to love me enough to change. Now I have to be the one to love me enough to say goodbye and move on.
Now…if some handsome, confident, strong yet sensitive, fun, passionate, adventurous and loving man would just ask me out on a damn date.
I guess I got time.