My daughter and I had a conversation the other day about history. She has to choose between World History and US History. She said she finds history interesting and that she was told that we have to learn about our history so that we don’t repeat it.
‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’
I’ll add a little to that by saying that if we are unwilling to acknowledge the past…we will most assuredly repeat it. If there is anything that I have come to realize it is that.
Not long ago I came to the realization that conversations about the relationship I have had with the Hunky Stallion, were the same conversations that I had with my ex-husband about our relationship. The other day I saw yet another similarity. History repeating it’self.
When I met my ex-husband he was freshly out of a long term relationship with his high school sweetheart. I, myself, was just out of another short term relationship. Both of us were a little raw. It started hot and heavy and exactly what most people expect when they are rebounding. I’m going to be a little tough on myself when I describe my part in pushing our relationship into the long term dysfunctional partnership that it was…but I think I need to give myself a little tough love here.
Bottom line…I bullied myself into his life. I invited myself over, asked for a key, moved myself in little by little until I was a permanent fixture in his life. He didn’t offer much resistance, he never really asked for me to be there. At the time, I didn’t really see his lack of resistance as the rejection of where I was pushing us into as I can now. I didn’t occur to me that he wasn’t inviting me in. If I knew then what I know now…I would be able to see that just because he didn’t resist, didn’t mean he wanted the same thing I did.
The signs were there. They were all over the place. I even said out loud that maybe this isn’t the right relationship. Maybe I should back out. My intuition was screaming RUN, this was NOT what you wanted. What I didn’t have was support and the knowledge and the strength to embrace the reality of the situation for what it really was. I didn’t know it was ok to trust myself. I was under the impression that if I just ignored his resistance and pushed through it he would eventually give me what I want.
Let’s fast forward 20+ years. Enter Hunky Stallion. He, fresh out of a long term relationship, I was fresh out of a slew of bad dates. It started out hot and passionate, exactly what a rebound is…until he said he wasn’t interested in progressing to something more. What did I do? I have repeatedly ignored my instinct and inject myself into his life without him resisting too much.
I’m ignoring what is right in front of me…just like I did before. The difference now is that I know better. I know better, but am still not doing better. Here’s what I am sure will happen if I don’t acknowledge the past actions in my current situation. I could easily bully myself into his life, and he will more than likely offer little resistance. I could keep telling myself, as I did then, that he will be grateful, he will eventually come to see that this is worth moving forward. I will always be waiting for him to acknowledge that I was right, and he was wrong.
What I know for sure is, that is not ever going to happen. He will be miserable. He will probably come to resent me. I will be miserable. I will probably come to resent him. I will always be fighting for what I want, and he will always be fighting for what he wants. It will never be the healthy loving relationship that we both deserve. I could keep trying to convince him that I am what he needs…if I want to have another relationship like the one I had with my ex. I don’t. So, I have to stop reliving history in the present.
It’s like one of those “Ah, ha” moments. Once you acknowledge the truth it’s hard to ignore. At 20, I chose to ignore the truth. It’s time to choose a different path. Trust myself. Trust my gut. Trust that he knows what is best for him, and that it’s ok if that does not include me. Trust that if I can honor myself, that I will find that relationship that I’ve always wanted.