I had a bit of a breakdown, completely lost my shit and had and epiphany all in a span of 5 days.
It’s been quite a week.
I’m not going to go into details of the breakdown (cause I’ve been there before), or the losing my shit (yeah, that too). I am going to tell you how all of that got me to a clearer understanding of myself, in a way I haven’t before. (even though I totally know I should have by now)
I’m reading the book The Conscious Parent. What I like most about it is that it isn’t telling you how to discipline your children or how to get them to behave the way you want…It is about understanding yourself, as a child and as a parent. It is about finding truth behind what it is your children do and the things they trigger in you. It’s also about accepting them completely, as they are, who they are…right at this moment.
I am completely and immensely grateful for having read this book.
Anyway….after my breakdown(don’t all great stories of triumph start in the gutter?), and after losing my shit (the hell storm before the calm), I was in sort of a “what the fuck am I doing?? why do I keep doing this shit??” state of mind. While I was reading the chapter about the roles we play as children, when I got it. I am chasing love and acceptance. It was absolutely clear that was my role as a child, my role as a sought our romantic relationships, and the same role as parent. What was so eye opening was that I do it with my children too…every single trigger is about my feeling loved and accepted.
Ok, here it is, I’m chasing love AGAIN!! Instead of stepping back and making some room for it to come to me I’m trying to control a situation I know damn good and well is not going to change no matter what I do. I was not accepting things as they really were. Still trying to say the right thing, or do the right thing, or take the blame for anything and everything…just to make him love me.
I chase and chase until I’m exhausted. With my mother, with my father, my ex-husband, friends, lovers…Every fucking person, every fucking time. Chasing love and acceptance from anyone who has rejected me, but claims to care for me. This shit has got to stop.
I told my counselor and he agrees. I was nurtured for this role…and I have perfected it. I’m exhausted. Chasing love is a lot like running, and I really don’t like running. Why do relationships have to be so hard?? Well, he says, good healthy relationships AREN’T hard. The one’s I try so desperately to hold on to are. Shit, I don’t want to do hard anymore.
HOW do I snap out of it??? How the hell do I stop myself from doing it with the next schmuck?? If I keep chasing every idiot who will not ever love me…I will never have room for someone who will.
The answer is to just stop and ask. Am I chasing or am I allowing??? If the answer is chasing…get the fuck out, shut the damn door…turn your ass around and high tail it out of there. You don’t have time for this crap anymore.
So all you handsome narcissistic assholes, charming emotionally unavailable and/or emotionally immature men….This chick is OFF the market. For YOU that is…off the market for anyone who needs someone to chase them. Off the market for anyone who triggers that part of me. I’m not chasing anymore….Done.
Things are never going to be the same. There are going to be a few Universal tests coming I just know it. I laugh cause I know it’s not going to be easy, but maybe a little easier than it would have been a year ago. I’m going to be unpredictable to those who know my type…and I’m sure that, again, I’ll piss a few people off in the process. I’ve had some experience at how changing affects the people who desperately need you to remain the same.
Ok, I’m all fired up and ready let go of the role of Chaser. Now I just need to have a little faith that no matter what my past has been like, there is someone for me out there. Someone who does not need me to chase them, who will not withhold their affections as a weapon, who will love and accept me completely.
Here I go…