Why oh why oh why, do I keep telling myself I know this is wrong, I know this is not going anywhere, I know that this is not what I want, or dare I say, what I deserve. Yet…somehow keep flipping the crazy switch on the hunky stallion. I feel like shit, apologize to him, beat myself us, then back off, until the next time. Why?
I thought about what it was that was flipping the crazy switch on in the first place. What I realized was that it’s the same pattern I’ve engaged in my whole life. In my ever so naive state of mind, I keep thinking that if the other person doesn’t walk away, that means somethings going to change. It doesn’t. Ever. All of the sudden I realize “Hey, I’m still not getting what I want!!” I’m still hanging on to something that isn’t going anywhere and I flip out when I realize that NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Rinse and repeat. Over and over again.
I’m not going to blame him. This isn’t about him. This is all about me and my crazy shit. I’m not following through, period. It’s not fair to him…and it most assuredly is not fair to me. So, now that I found the switch, I decided to disengage it. Telling him was part of the problem, so that stopped. Believing he would change, stopped. Putting too much trust that he would do what he said, stopped. Thinking things would ever be different…stopped. Wanting to be important enough for him to want to change, stopped.
I made a decision that if he wasn’t going to make an effort, I wasn’t going to chase after him. A commitment I made to myself. I didn’t share it…just did it. Now over the last couple of weeks things have picked up online. Men have been requesting my company and I’ve had some really great conversations. This commitment to myself had to go a step further. If I am no longer willing to take the crumbs offered by the hunky stallion, I wasn’t going to take crumbs from anyone else either.
Date with the 30 year old tech, cancelled. He’s been nothing but sweet and respectful. He was the first one to put out an offer for a real date. So why did I cancel? A part of me knows this isn’t going to be what I want. I’m over dating younger men just for the fun and excitement, and the ego boost. I feel like I would be setting myself up for more of the same disappointment. So I cancelled. My friend said I wasn’t giving myself enough credit, and I think that saying no to something that isn’t what I want IS giving myself credit. I get way too comfortable accepting what is being given, instead of holding out for what I truly want.
Conversation with the 34 year old IT guy, done. Again, very nice and respectful, but we’re on different paths and I don’t want to be on his.
Messages from anyone under the age of 35, who start off with “Wow your sexy” or “I think you’re absolutely gorgeous” deleted. For that matter anyone who starts out with those type of comments have gotten deleted immediately, no matter what the age.
On the positive side. I had a wonderful phone call from a 36 year old who lives a little far. He’s moving closer over the summer…so for now it’s all about getting to know each other.
There is the 42 year old banker. He’s not been overly engaging, but it’s been good.
Then, just to throw a monkey in the barrel…here comes the hunky stallion. After all this time he decides to ask me out. I don’t know what’s going on with him, and why NOW he feels he needs to take this step, but the invitation was sincere. He also admitted I am special and he knows he doesn’t show it.
Now…of course I bet your first instinct was that I probably dropped everything and jumped back on the “ooh the hunky stallion and I are going to live happily ever after” wagon. I did not. It was an offer. He’s made them before and never followed through. I’m not about to put anything into it, especially now. If he wants to take me out, then he is going to have to take the lead, I’m not doing it for him.
Today, another offer to meet from someone I’ve chatted before, but never met. He is 46 and offered coffee and good conversation. I said yes.
Bottom line…I found my crazy switch and have flipped the bitch off. I’ve stepped out of the role I put myself in and am trying to stand firm. Keeping my focus on the end game and not allowing myself to fall “victim” to the same trap. A trap I know I put myself in not the other way around.