Keeping the faith

I’ll admit it…it’s getting tough.  I’ve been putting a lot of feelers out there, both professionally and emotionally.  What I’ve gotten as a result of all my efforts is a whole lot of nothing.

It’s getting harder to have the faith I once had.  Don’t give up.  Don’t lose hope.

There are about a dozen things going on all at once.  Big things.  I’m surprised I haven’t broken yet.  Still, I feel myself cracking just a little.

I’ve made so many big decisions in my life based solely on faith.  Deep down I know, KNOW things are going to be just fine.  I’m going to be fine.  Everything fucking thing is going to be just fine.  Still…I’m cracking.

Things are moving…life is showing up in small ways.  These are the things I need to hold on to, to focus on, to believe in.  Small things.  Still, I’m about one spilled glass of milk away from completely losing my shit.

I broke down the other day.  Cried in front of my daughter.  For some reason I needed her to see that I’m strong, but I’m human too.  I’ve been trying to be strong for way to long and I hit a wall.  She’s awesome by the way.  Another example where the Universe shows me a glimpse of what is right with my world.

The reminders lately have been about appreciating the little things.  I do.  For the most part, appreciate the little things.  I’ve always been the kind of person who leans more toward gratitude for the good things, even the vague meaningless things, then to sit and curse the world for the things I don’t have.  However, it seems that I am needing this reminder.  I want something big right now.  New job.  More cash flow.  More love and romance.  Smaller waistline.  What I’ve being reminded is that there are a few mental road blocks I need to get over…to get to the big stuff.

The job.  I’ve got a job and I am able to pay my bills, feed my kids, and enjoy a night out now and again.

The cash flow.  It’s still coming in.  It’s getting the job done.  I do not want for anything.

The love and romance.  This one is a little tricky.  I’m finding that I am loved…but the right people in the right way.  My children, and my friends.  Family…well, they love me in the best way they know how.  Romance…hmmm.  It’s there, in tiny little moments.  The invites for lunch.  The “I’d like to see you” message.  The offer to join in something outside his comfort zone, that is still months away.  It’s nothing earth shattering or even close to what I’ve been hoping for…but still, it’s there.

The smaller waistline.  Ugh.  My trainer reminded me to remember how far I’ve come.  Yes, I’m stronger, slimmer than I was a year ago.  She reminded me to not focus so much on whether or not I can fit in my jeans right now, but that I keep getting moving forward and make better choices every day.  Also, it may be time to make a few adjustments…which have already been put into practice.

Focus on those little things.  Stay in tune with all the things that are right in my life.  Remember to nurture the tiny seed….that will one day become the mighty oak.

Keeping the faith…one blessed little moment at a time.

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