The last few weeks have been some what of a blur. I’m reeling and I don’t see an end to it any time soon.
Last weekend, my son turned 18! OMG! I’m not really sure how that happened…I mean really, didn’t I just bring this beautiful baby boy home from the hospital? Wasn’t it just last week he was crawling around on the floor? Couldn’t have been that long ago he was learning to walk, cuddling with me on the couch reading books and watching Blue’s Clues. How on earth did he turn 18??
So I did what every parent does in these situations…I pulled out his baby books. Damn he was a cute chubby ball of sweetness. Did I take full advantage of all those years? They seem like such a blur, and yet in an instant I can still remember what it felt like to hold that baby in my arms, nursing him, enjoying those sweet moments making him laugh and cuddling. Now he’s a man. There is a part of me that would like a do-over. Give me those years back. Give me another chance to appreciate even more how lucky I was. I’m sure I could have done a better job….loving him and appreciating the time.
I can’t get that time back, so I must move forward. Which means getting him ready to go to college. Sometimes when I stop and really think about that I want to just pass out. WTF? Not only do I have to come to the realization that my baby isn’t a baby, but now I have to send him away to college??? I’m not ready. Not that I have a choice, but could time please please just slow down a little? Pretty please?
If that wasn’t enough to make a mother lose her shit completely…I have the other child who is currently taking drivers ed. I’m pretty sure I should have a standing appointment with my colorist cause all this shit is making me feel like my grey hairs are multiplying faster. She’s so excited about this phase of her life and I am terrified as well as excited for her. How on earth did she go from climbing out of her crib (forever the escape artist) to learning to drive. I must have blinked too long cause this can’t really be happening…can it.
What I have come to learn, and am trying to accept, is that as a parent raising children, my time is short. One already on his way out…the other quickly behind. In just three years, I will no longer be raising children. I will have done all that I can and sent them off into the world. This isn’t fair. Honestly I’m not ready. Isn’t anyone listening???
I’m working on accepting.
You would think that all that would be enough to keep my mind occupied and off other topics. It’s not.
The other thing I have to start accepting is that I’m not as positive as I think I am. Yes, I’m the person who can take any situation and find the brighter side. I’ve learned that not getting something means either something better is on the way or I just need to refocus my appreciation on to what I already have. No matter how positive I am on the outside, no matter how much I tell myself things are good and things will get better. It’s the little voice that comes from deep within that reveals that I am stuck in a negative state.
Example. When I moved into my current home, I knew it was going to be a stepping stone to a better life. I wasn’t going to be stuck here it was just a place of transition. Over the last few months I’ve started to accept that in just a few years I will be able to walk away from here and go on my own path. With that came a sense of peace. I started cleaning out the clutter of my old life so to be ready to step out when the time comes. For the most part, I’m excited at this prospect. For the first time in my life, where I live will be MY choice. It’s exciting…but.
When there is a quiet moment resentment creeps in. I’m going to lose money of this house. I don’t want to invest any more into it. I’m never going to get out of it what I should. There is no way I’m going to be able to sell this house for what I bought it for let alone the $80K plus that’s been put into it. It’s HIS fault. I never wanted this house in the first place. Why the hell did I have to get stuck with this shit hole money pit??? It’s not fair.
Yeah…that resentment. That pity…that’s my truth. I can sugar coat and tell myself all the positive things I want, but that negative mindset is driven deep. That is what is going to have to change. Not the frilly outside, but the cold hard core.
Then there’s the employment situation. I keep on telling myself that the Universe has a plan. Every week I apply and apply to jobs all over the place. Every day I go to work, knowing that my time there is coming to an end and that I will soon be moving on. Then, I’ll have a moment where the negative voices sneak in. You aren’t qualified for anything better. You’ll never find anything that will really support you. You are always going to be working for assholes and never get out of the gutter.
OH COME ON!!!! Really??? For fuck’s sake, I’ve dug my way out of more shit than I should have. Pulled myself up and out over and over and after all that…the deep truth is I still don’t believe I’m good enough??? Arrrggghhhh.
Love. One day, you will find that beautiful love that you’ve always dreamed of. Get yourself into a good place and have faith…it’s coming. Ha! Relax for a moment and here comes that voice of doubt. You are a fool. True love is not in the cards for you sweetheart…You are a silly little girl with dreams of a happily ever after that just isn’t going to happen.
After finally and painfully coming to the conclusion that anything worthwhile with the hunky stallion was never going to happen…he stepped up. I wasn’t putting too much faith in it, but he’s been making an effort. After months back online with a new attitude, and fielding all the same bullshit offers, I decided to shut them all down again. I’m not saying that is because I think the H.S. are going to be The One, but if all I’m attracting to myself are guys offering nothing more than to physical pleasure, and the one’s that would seem to be relationship material don’t pan out, why not just accept what I have at the moment and let go of the rest. It’s been more disappointment than anything else.
I know, I have a lot to be grateful for. I also know, things could be a lot worse. Things will get better. What I have to do is believe all of that to my core…my deepest subconscious. It’s not enough to say the right thing or pretend that I’m ok…I have to start doing the real work. I have to change the internal voice because that is what is holding me back. At this moment, I’m not sure how to do that. There has to be a way to get down there where the core belief is and shift it to what is on the surface.
Truth is, in this moment, I’m having a hard time believing that I can do that. However, I know that if I don’t, I’ll be keeping myself stuck forever. It’s like decorating a house with a foundation that’s crumbling. If I don’t fix the inner truth, the foundation for my being, all I’ll be doing is setting myself for more heartbreak and failure. Having a positive attitude is not the same as having a positive belief.
Meditation seems to be a recurring message lately. Time to listen to the messages the Universe is sending me and stop pretending like I don’t hear them. If I want change, then I have to stop doing what I’ve been doing. I have to stop just getting by on faith alone and start doing the hard work to make a difference. No amount of surface work is going to make a difference if what’s really underneath is giant messy ball of bullshit.
How that’s going to manifest it’self is unclear, but I’m tired of those negative voices in my head. It’s time to dig in and get my hands dirty. Nothing is going to change unless you do.