Managing myself…and all my stupid baggage.

I’m still regrouping from my recent polar plunge into the icy cold pool of doubt and worry.  Still sitting on the edge of the pool with a towel wrapped tightly around me dangling my feet in.  Deep inside of me is a very strong, capable women screaming at me to get the fuck up, change into something dry and move the fuck on.  I’m humming so I can pretend like I don’t hear her.  Truth is, I’m waiting…waiting for another reason to throw myself back in, and it seems easier to stay in my cold wet clothes, then get dressed and proclaim “nice try mother-fuckers!”.

So, how are you doing?  Haha…I’m about one spilled glass of milk away from completely losing my shit.  How are you?

All my life I’ve been able to put on a happy face, pretend like things are going good, and eventually find myself in a better place.  People have told me how strong I am…but I’m really just faking it.  Doesn’t seem to make much sense wallowing in all the pain and discomfort of my current situation, when I can fake a little strength, until I actually have some. If you see me…please don’t ask me how I’m doing.  There is something in that particular phrase that seems to make my entire foundation crumble.  Twice, when asked, I nearly started crying.  Maybe that’s what I need to do…release a little pent up emotion. I’m really not going to do it in front of some unsuspecting soul or in a public place.  When I’m in the right place to let go…nothing happens.  Shit.

Lessons and opportunities.

There has been a lot of discussions in my home lately about learning lessons.  I’ve tried to express how little we learn when everything is going right.  Most often, we learn the most when everything is completely fucked up.  You’ll never really know how capable you are, till you have to dig your way out of a situation you didn’t really want to be in to start with.  My son is about to go to college…he’s lived a rather cushy life up till now.  I’m excited for him to learn and grow as a person, not just a student.  He’s not nearly as excited though…perhaps, someday he will appreciate being thrown into life, somewhat ill-equipped but with me there to have his back.  I will remain hopeful.

Give me a break.

I really really really just want to go get a mani/pedi…and a massage.  There is this practical snotty little bitch who thinks that I  should get the dirty work I need to do done first…so I don’t just mess up my nails.  She’s kind of right…but fuck her.  Ugh…just one more week,maybe two…so push through and you’ll be glad you did.  Dammit dammit dammit.  Ok.

Stop being a stubborn asshole…ask for help when you need it, take it when it’s offered.

I think I can be a wee bit stubborn sometimes.  Haha…that is really an understatement.  The trouble I have with asking for help, is that too often people just don’t help. People don’t seem to have the time, or willingness to help me out when I ask. This is nothing new, this has been a long cycle for me, so I’ve learned to not ask.  I’ll figure it out on my own, don’t worry about it.  Accepting help…well that one hurts.  This is my mess, I’ll clean it up.  I don’t need anyone swooping in to rescue me…I got this.  Except, that I don’t always, and I find it hard to admit.

Give yourself some credit.

For the love of all that his sacred in this world woman give yourself a little more credit.  All the shit that is going on right now is completely and totally manageable.  You are a force.  You are capable of getting through this if only you will just cut yourself some slack. No one said you had to do it all by yourself, and no one said you had to do it perfectly. You do that to yourself and now it’s time to knock it the fuck off.  Stop being like all those crazy fuckers who cry when the world doesn’t go according to plan.  You know life doesn’t go as planned and you know that you are happier when you stop for a moment and see everything that is right in the world.  Your world is right in so many ways because of your unwillingness to let the shit drag you under and keep you there.  You don’t need a champion, you are a champion!  No one needs to give you a pat on the back and tell you that you are doing ok…you know you are, and you can pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high five and get on doing what you are capable of doing.

Ok ok…I’m slowly and painfully pulling myself out of this shit.  One more step forward…I think I’ll go put some dry clothes on now.

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