I’ve been quiet for a few months. To be honest, I’m still a little pissed. I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to continue writing the way I have or change so as not to include any details of my personal life. What I do here, is not to share information so that people can eavesdrop into my life…but to, hopefully, show someone else that they are not alone, and maybe they can see that we all struggle, and we can all change. Anyway, I’m back, and still open to being honest here. Let’s hope I’ve made the right decision.
Lately, I’ve been struggling with why my life isn’t moving forward. Still the same shitty job, still smoking, still not fitting into those jeans, still not in a committed loving relationship. I have some issues that I need to deal with.
What I’ve come to acknowledge most recently is that I’m really good right out of the gate…filled with conviction and confidence towards my intended goal. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for me to fizzle out.
It’s not just one area of my life…it’s every area of my life.
Diet…Monday= great, Tuesday=great, Wednesday=kind of great, Thursday=oohhh chocolate, Friday=WTF, Saturday=I just want a cheeseburger, Sunday=how did I gain 4 lbs this week.
Exercise…Monday=on it, Tuesday=I’ll just take today off, Wednesday=ass kicking class was enough, Thursday=I can’t move wheres the remote, Friday=another asskicking class, Saturday=Fuck this shit, Sunday= I’m not moving off the couch, try again Monday.
Finding a new job…Week 1-4= Resumes for everyone, Week 5-10 = Resumes for only a few, Week 11-52 = How many rejection letters can one woman handle. Fuck this shit.
Smoking…I’ll start Monday = Fuck this shit, I’ll start Friday = hell no, I’ll start Sunday = you’re kidding right? just try again Monday.
We can add to it…being social, cleaning and organizing, relationships with anybody, writing, shaving my legs…and so on. I’m sure I could come up with many many more…but for the sake of argument let’s just say that I do not stay committed to doing anything long term. Fortunately that also includes the bad shit…but that’s not what this is about.
Now that I have had my proverbial “ah ha” moment, the next step is to move out of my familiar pattern. How? This means I’m actually going to have to get uncomfortable, and commit to something instead of giving in to my never ending list of excuses why I don’t really need to commit. (insert eye rolling heavy moaning like a teenage who’s just been asked to take the garbage out).
This sucks. For one, if I do commit to something, that means things are going to change. What??? Wait, that means that I’m letting go of my little nasty torn smelly security blanket called the Comfort Zone. Anyone who has been openly honest with themselves knows that we all feel better in the familiar, even if we don’t like it, than with that thing that is unknown called Change…even when we know (intellectually) we will be better for it. It is easier for us to complain about a better life, than it is for us to actually go out and create a better life. Why would we want all of that nasty uncertainty when we can stay wrapped up in the blanket of our comfort zone. Ew…
I listen. Not only to myself, but to the little cues life gives me, and everything is screaming that I need to make a commitment to myself and stick to it. Just one is all I need to start with. Which one? Quit smoking? No junk food? Yoga? Daily resume submissions? Any of those one things could improve my life drastically in just a short amount of time….if I stay focused and committed to it.
As of this moment…I don’t know which one it will be. What I do know is that once I’ve chosen, and proven to myself that I can follow through, it won’t be hard to add in another, and another….till I’m where I truly want to be or at the very least, a better place than now.
I have to stop making excuses.
I have to be my greatest supporter and champion.
I have to start somewhere.
It has to be now.