I make no secret that I have been in counseling for several years. There is no doubt in my mind that it has saved me in more ways than one. It did not save my marriage, it did not save my relationship with my mother…it has saved me from thinking that there is something wrong with me. Sometimes it’s all about validation…I am not wrong for feeling the way I do. Other times it’s giving me a new perspective on the reasons I am the way I am, and why I feel the way I feel.
“Wait…are you in love with him?”
I was completely taken aback by that question, and to be completely honest, the thought had come up just a few days earlier. The answer to that question is as complicated for me as almost anything in my life right now. The bottom line, I don’t know. What I do know is that I want to be in love….I feel like after nearly 3 years together we should be in love. However, love has always been a volatile emotion for me. My relationships have been wrapped in my taking the blame for all that is wrong, and teaching people that it doesn’t matter how bad you treat me…I will always love you, I will always forgive you.
So what it boils down to is that I do not know what true love is. I do not know how to be loved in an honest healthy way. Of course, I do know what it should look like, how it should feel…yet I can’t seem to wrap my little brain around how any of that relates to me. The task I have been given is to allow myself the opportunity to have the kind of love I truly want. Dare I say, the kind of love I deserve.
A couple of weeks ago I had a night where I couldn’t sleep. First off, I was completely and totally grateful that it wasn’t one of those nights that I was hyper-focused on a conversation, a comment, or feeling. What did that mean? Why didn’t I say this or that? If only I had done this… Ugh, I have had way to many nights like that in the past and it sucks. This time, it was just calm reflection, but still, the mind would not quiet. After an hour or so I decided to get out my journal, and write it out.
Each area turned into no less than 3-4 pages. Apparently I had some things to get off my mind. The job, the home, the man, the friends, the ex, the smoking, the goals, the weight….There was a lot of shit packed in there that night. The common thread seemed to commitment (or lack there of) and follow through. Why oh why can’t I take that great idea, thought or intention, and follow through, focus and commit to any of them. Well, it seems that I may tend to overthink (I know I was shocked too) (not really) (I’m not fooling anyone) and as was recently suggested “hyper-focus” on emotions that have no real value to the situation. That isn’t exactly the phrase he used, but the bottom line is I spend too much time thinking about things, applying inaccurate emotional value to things, situations and people, and not giving myself enough credit or acknowledgement that sometimes and some things are just out of my control.
I have not quit smoking because I am a failure and weak in my commitment.
I have not found a better job because I am not good enough or qualified enough for anything better than this.
I have not sought a better relationship because I don’t really deserve anything better than just the crumbs someone is willing to offer.
I can’t followed though on my yoga, house projects, meal planning, etc etc etc…because you just aren’t good at taking care of shit.
As it has been explained to me…I have a little more in common with my son than I may have been willing to admit to. None of these things are character flaws…they are more traits of someone with ADD. I am too focused on having a mediocre life, because it is something familiar and predictable. It is just easier to blame myself for the mediocrity than to actually accept that I could do better and pursue it. So, it’s time to admit that I might need a little help.
It was suggested, that if I got a little help with what’s going on with my brain, I might be able to stay focused enough to follow through on all those areas of my life that are lacking.
I am not a bad person for having a hard time quitting smoking…I have an addiction that needs to be addressed.
I am not a bad person for wanting to leave my current job…it has served its purpose and I deserve an opportunity to be in a position where my strengths can be appreciated and I can be allowed to grow.
I am not a bed person for wanting a more fulfilling relationship filled with love and commitment…I deserve to be with someone who wants and appreciates what I have and is eager to return the feelings.
I am not a bad person for not staying focused on the tasks that need to be taken care of…I can give myself permission to accept that I need some help.
It’s going to be an interesting journey. Somehow I’m going to have to admit I am not the flawed person I have been telling myself I am…I am human, sometimes we need a little help, and a clearer perspective.