Here I am all proud of cracking the code to my deep seeded need to self-sabotage. How do you celebrate such and epiphany?? Do you throw out all the junk food and start doing laps around the neighborhood? Do you throw out all your “fat” clothes? Do you high five yourself while you do 1000 crunches and tell yourself that those fuckers who thought you were a failure are going to have to eat shit?
If you are me, you have two (homemade mind you) bacon, avocado cheese burgers. Yep…now we start the negotiations.
Excuse one: I am fucking tired and besides I ate good all day and I am hangry for a cheeseburger.
Excuse two: I don’t have to start today. I can just be happy knowing I got a grip and will soon be putting myself to work.
Excuse three-infinity: You have time and you need to finish up some stuff…and there’s this and that and how can you expect to have the time right now. Geez.
Yeah. That’s me. I feel like what I need is to put a life size cut out of my mother and my ex-husband giving me that stupid fucking “See, we knew you couldn’t do it” face right in the middle of my living room. Maybe that would be motivating. Since cutting those two out of my life (for the most part) it’s nice not having to look at their face, or listen to the negativity. Nope, now all I have to listen to is me…and me ain’t saying too much to get my shit going.
I won’t be beating myself up for too long. Right now I’m still absorbing the message and kind of laughing at myself. At least it’s with a kind heart, not like when the other shit-heads used to. I also have to acknowledge that I am not sitting around on my ass not doing anything but stuffing my face and complaining about my jiggly parts. There is work to be done…and so it must be done. I am not leaving myself behind, I’m taking care of shit, before I take care of MY shit.
Planning is important, but doing is the key. So, while I am not doing the “eat healthy and exercise” shit right now, I’m trying not to negotiate with my inner dumbass about why I don’t really need to be doing this today. Or tomorrow. Or why it would be ok if I just started next week.
No, I’m keeping my mind on the prize. I’m acknowledging the slip and reminding myself that I am important…and how I feel is important. I’m not giving up the good fight. I’m not throwing in the towel.
I’m going to end this post and head into the kitchen and start putting together some delightful meals to grab and go for the next few days. I’m also reminding myself that I have tools at my disposal that are not in the least bit overwhelming…
Negotiations can be tough, especially if those negotiations are with a voice in your head that has been some what in charge for a hugly (hahaha) part of your life. She has won enough times…now it’s time for a new champion. A champion who can’t wait to stop bitching about not finding anything comfortable to wear.