I have been a long time fan of Brene Brown. If you are on a journey of self discovery and you have not yet read any of her books, I suggest you make some time to do so. She has been a long time shame researcher, and for someone who has lived the life I have, her lessons on shame have been invaluable.
Don’t think you’ve experienced shame? Not a shamer yourself? Well let me tell you, you are probably wrong. Identifying it in your life will be the best thing you can do to help yourself, and those around you. I recently had this with my mother…”I’m sorry that you are making this all about yourself. I just see you just keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. You’re not helping.” This was in response to her not getting her way, and not being open minded enough to be involved in knowing or understanding what is really going on. That is shame in action. I was supposed to feel all bad about what I was doing and give in…not happening.
As a society we do a lot of shaming.
We shame women who stay home with their kids, and women who chose or have to work.
We shame people who need food stamps to feed their families, and people who over indulge.
We shame people for ordering diet Coke, and people who drink protein shakes.
We shame people who smoke, and people who over exercise.
We shame in those who take religion too seriously, and those who don’t take it at all.
We shame the overweight women in the drive through, and the skinny kid who doesn’t want to eat.
We shame women who breastfeed their babies, and women who chose or have to use formula.
We shame our friends and families for not including us in their lives enough, and for always being around.
We shame ourselves too. As a matter of fact I’m doing it to myself right now.
Why can’t you get your shit together? If only you would just stick to what you say instead of always caving in? Hey, why not put a picture of your fat self as your phone back ground so you can remind yourself what you are doing to your body?? Fat shaming myself is not turning out to work as well as I’d hoped.
Is it fair to say my life is not a good one because someone I have chosen is not living up to my personal expectation??? What about the 20 other people who are? The one’s that are ready and willing to be what you need are worth less than the one person you pinned your expectation on who isn’t living up to it? OMG. Honestly, I am pretty sure I’ve been in that position myself. Thankfully I have learned better.
Why do we shame everyone? Do you know the facts? Are you being everything to everyone and living the highest of high values and character that you feel it is ok to judge and shame a person for doing something you think makes them less. Do you feel like a failure in so many areas, that you think anyone who is failing in the one you luckily have down is a piece of shit? People…geez.
The mom who stays home or the mom who has to work. What the fuck do you care what or why they have chosen their path? Aren’t we all just doing the best we can for our kids? My life is not the same as yours even if we choose the same path. So what if the parents are greedy and spoil their kids into being abnoxious self entitled assholes. Why do you give a shit?? Are you SURE your kids are going to be perfect?? Here’s another thought…no matter what you do, someone else is going to judge you. So get off what ever fucking horse or soapbox you’re on and do YOUR best with YOUR family and stop the judgment on others.
You think people who use food stamps are pathetic and lazy?? How many do you know personally? People who are over indulgent are greedy and selfish??? Sounds like jealousy. Think diet coke and cigarettes are death by hand…so what if they are? Are they tying you down and forcing it on you? What if they are in transition from an even more deadly addiction and they are trying to step down?Disgusted by the overweight person standing in front of you??? Have you checked the scale lately or maybe you need to check your compassion switch cause you are an asshole. Think mothers breastfeeding their babies in public is indecent??? Oh please, come tell me that to my face. Breasts are beautiful…and they are uniquely designed for FEEDING YOUR BABIES! OMG. Every time I see a video of a woman yelling at another woman who is breastfeeding in public I want to reach into that video and flog them. I have never seen a mother with her tit hanging out for display. If there is a face attached to it then there is less of it to see then most bikini tops on the market these days. If you are uncomfortable look away. If it makes your man excited punch that fucker in the face and tell him to stop being a pervert.
The answer to end all of this shaming is compassion. You either need to have it for others, or you need to have it for yourself.
Another is to let go of expectation.
We are not the same. None of us. Even if you shared the same womb with someone you are not the same. Every single one of us has our own challenges. Some put on us by society, some by family, some by circumstance, some by choice and some cause we just don’t know what the hell we are doing. Ultimately, everyone is just trying to do the best they can…even the fucking asshole next door tossing dog poop in your yard. Some just don’t know any better, and some have just no been shown any better.
Not a single person has improved their own personal life by shaming someone else. If you find yourself doing it, turn that shit around on yourself and find out why you feel that way. Most likely you have some kind of deficiency that you need to tend to. You don’t have to share it, but you should work on it if you truly want to be a better person. If you don’t, well then toddle loo…. Why not try being a friend or reaching out to someone you might see as less than you. Maybe that person just needs a kind word.
Please please learn to be kind to one another. It is the only way to truly being to heal the world and make it harder for those who would chose to bully or attack people. I’m sure most of us would be heartbroken to see somone get abused, but the only way to make less victims is to make people more empowered. That comes through compassion and understanding. Either get to know someone, or get the fuck out of their business. There is enough shit in our own backyard to attend to without pointing out what looks like shit in someone else’s, and quite honestly what looks like shit to you might be a life raft for someone else.
Take you shame, your judgement and your pity and turn it inward. If you feel this way towards someone else that means there is something that YOU need to work on. Good people, kind and compassionate people, people who are secure in their own skin don’t do that.