Category Archives: divorce

Never let them win.

There has been a theme lately with one particular friend about paybacks.  This has been a lesson hard learned for me, but one I have a complete grasp.

Yes, I would love to punch that bitch in the face.  What I wouldn’t give to tell that asshole to go fuck himself. Oooohhhh, yes there are people and moments that take me to a place of total hate.

What I have learned, the most hard and unpleasant of ways, is that when dealing with people that think you are crazy, for lack of a better word, then there is nothing in this world that pleases them more than for you to go crazy. If you don’t already know, I am fluent in the ways of the narcissist.  Yes, it’s a gift that has been bestowed upon me more often that I care to admit.  The two most prevalent examples of this are my mother and my ex-husband.  Let me give you an example with each that demonstrates exactly the type of behavior they love to elicit from me.

This story was laid out in detail on the blog many many (OMG like YEARS ago) years ago.  For those who may have missed it here is the cliff notes version of the incident.

I was freshly divorced, maybe a year.  It was Christmas, and she had made it abundantly clear that if I didn’t want to join her for Christmas, she wasn’t interested in joining me.  I had decided to make a care package of gifts to give her, one of which was a picture of me and her when I was little playing around with a toy Santa sleigh.  I wanted to remind her of our bond, in hopes to help mend things. This setting boundaries thing was still pretty new to me (us) and I was just getting the hang of standing by them, while she tried to butcher them to pieces.  So, I was still trying to “bring her around” without actually setting foot in the lions’ den.  Plus, I think it merits mentioning that the first Christmas after my divorce (or actually during) her gift to me was a donation to a local charity…in her name…but presented to me. (???)

Before I had a chance to mail it she showed up on my doorstep, uninvited…unannounced.  As I said, I was still learning how to hold my own and keep my boundaries firmly in place at this time, and it didn’t take long for this visit to turn ugly.  She started out pretty cool, offering me a check (sizeable I might add) and telling me she missed me.  I can’t remember everything verbatim, but it was quickly followed by her saying I was a jerk (that is NOT the word she used, but it encompasses the feeling of her intent), to which I replied “but look, I have a box all ready for you filled with gifts!!”  Awww, I was so naive at that time. That gesture catapulted the conversation up a few dozen notches, she got in my face, I told her to back up, she wouldn’t, I told her to leave, more ugly words… As she was leaving I remember asking her “What do you want???”  Her reply “For you to apologize.”  Ok…so I said “I’m sorry if my actions hurt you.”  To which she slapped back with…”It doesn’t count if I have to ask for it.”

There were a few other choice words, I was trying to get her to see that the block between us was her…but she wasn’t having it (see what I mean about my being naïve) and then I snapped.  I grabbed the box, ripped it open, pulled out the framed picture and said “SEE!!! SEE WHAT I HAVE HER FOR YOU!! THIS IS HOW MUCH I CARE!!”  I do not remember what she said after that but I took that frame, smashed in on the sidewalk told her to fuck off and never come back.

The look on her face was all I needed to see to know…she won.  Yep, I gave her exactly what she wanted.  Me, losing my shit.  I just gave her the confirmation (in her own head) that I am so full of hate and anger that I cannot let go and I am the reason we cannot have a relationship.  Let me tell you, in the  moment of seeing the look on her face I knew that I had fucked up.  I went in the house and instead of being mad at her, I was completely and totally pissed at myself.  I know this scenario.  This is what I have been working on, preparing for, and I fucked it up.  Dammit, dammit dammit.

That was the last time I was ever going to lose my shit in front of her, no matter how dirty she got.  She pokes, she tries, but no matter what, all I have to do is look at her face and I can see her trying to get me and I won’t let her.  She will NEVER win that battle again.

Yes…that was the long cliff notes version.  On to the next scenario….

Just after the divorce, the ex and I were getting along fairly well.  I was doing what most new divorcee’s do, going out with friends and having a good time (on the weekends the kids were with him anyway). One day I was at his place and he mentioned a picture someone told him about me on Facebook (he doesn’t have FB he thinks it’s the devil).  It was a pretty innocent picture, some guy pretending to grab my boob and me looking all surprised.  There was not touching, my boob was not hanging out…and I was not dressed like a $2 whore.  Picture was just that… HE did not see the picture.  HE was only told about the picture and apparently it gave the impression that I was nothing but a 2 bit whore and I should keep that shit to myself.

I started off pretty calm about it…I mean, I knew the picture and I would not have been embarrassed to show anyone, my kids included who would have more than likely just rolled their eyes.  As I laughed it off, he got more agitated…that’s when the whore (that is not exactly how he put it) and watching my self comment came up.  Guess who snapped??? Well, I started to go off and as he stood in front of me I could see this calm look of satisfaction come over his face.  That mutherfucker….

I didn’t even finish my sentence…at that moment I turned and walked out.  You almost won that one asshole…but I’m getting quicker.  I knew then, he would never win that fight with me again.  That is, as a matter of fact, one of the reasons I asked for the divorce.  He has given me a few chances to lose my shit since then, but, thankfully I’ve learned to stay firm and remember what his end game is…and I will not fall for it.

So when this friend tells me stories of people treating him poorly, attacking his credibility or just disrespecting him in general (and trust me these are minor infractions) he adds how much he wants to take them down.  My response to him…never let them win.  They want to paint you as the asshole, then they poke you and piss on you until you get all huffy and become and asshole…they win.  If you throw the first punch, they win.  If you tell them they are and always have been a liar…they win.

Anytime some jackass pokes you to the point that you lose your shit…they win.  That is their end game.  That is their drug of choice….to poke you till you explode, then sit back and say “See…I told you he was an asshole.”

Is it hard to sit back while they call you names, make up lies, threaten you…yes it is.  Do they deserve to get put in their place either physically or verbally…hell the fuck yes.  If you do that, will they finally stop making up lies about you?  Threatening you?  Nope…they will probably never stop.  It may lessen, but they will never stop trying to make you into something ugly because that’s just who they are.  Ugly, sad people, lacking in confidence or even human decency.  That’s them, and it has not a god damn thing to do with you…unless you fall for the shit.  If you can take a moment and remember who you are dealing with, remember that they have nothing better to do than to see how far they can go before you lose your shit, then maybe you can step back and let them try, without a single fucking response from you.

Here’s the picture I want you to see.  This crazy fucker is trying desperately to get the world to believe that you are the biggest asshole that has ever walked the earth.  They will bring up ugly parts of your past, they will pull shit out of their ass, they will do anything and everything they can till you snap and lose your shit.  Then, they will sit back with the most calm look on their face and point….See, I told you so.  You might as well just throw those fuckers a parade because if you give them that…they win, and that’s all they want.

BUT…same scene, with you just standing there laughing lightly, maybe chuckle, look them in the face with not one negative thought word or expression. You just let them go until they are blue in the face…suddenly they look like the crazy one.  You win that one hot stuff. You win.

So please…please when dealing with nut-jobs, remember who you’re dealing with and

Never Let Them Win

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Liar Liar…stop trying to put my pants on fire!

My ex husband recently accused me of posting something on FB about him that wasn’t true. I didn’t.  Unfortunately that really doesn’t matter.  Someone told him I said something, and without proof assumed it was true.  The last thing I said to him was “Why do you assume I would be the one lying?”

A few years ago, when he was dropping off the kids, the neighbor came out to talk to him.  When he left, he said “the neighbors are concerned with what’s going on over here, you should watch yourself.” and he left.  WTF?? So I marched my ass over to the neighbor to ask what’s up.  Apparently, one of the neighbors had an issue with me leaving my garbage cans out a little too long.  I immediately texted my ex to tell inform him of the neighborhoods BIG concern.  All I can think is that he must have imagined endless strange cars parked in my driveway, orgies, parties….all things that may concern certain people.  What he didn’t do, was ask what the big concern was.  See, he isn’t interested in truth, he’s interested in seeing me as a bad person, and there are enough people who would  leave him with that impression, even if it was unintentional.

There are a few things about this most recent accusation that bothers me.  I certainly know I open myself up to critics by sharing my stories.  I also know that not everyone I’m “friends” with on FB is really a friend.  For the most part, I enjoy social media and have learned to block out all the drama.  So, you want to gossip, ok.  Think about this…someone told my ex husband something that wasn’t true, which hurt him.  Not only that, but it hurt our already strained relationship, adding lighter fluid to a fire that is never going to burn out completely no matter what.  What did this person think they were going to gain by “sharing” this information?  Did they want him to see me as an Ex bashing drama queen spreading lies bout him?  I don’t know…and honestly I don’t really care.  Thanks asshole.

The second thing that bothers me, is that because he felt the need to confront me the way he did, it has caused some issues with my kids.  I have tried very hard to let my kids know that no matter what, their father and I can and will unite for their benefit.  When he told the kids to ask me to come outside, it peaked their curiosity.  They heard the entire encounter.  Now, both of them feel like they need to keep the interactions between the two of us to a minimum, cause apparently we can’t get along.

One incident and that trust is broken.  One false accusation and I’m the bad guy.

Maybe I should share less.  I could say 10,000 wonderful things about my ex…then one day I’ll call him and asshole and all hell will break loose.

I’m saddened by this, but not really surprised by any of it.  Now, I’ll go back to just doing what I do and let Karma work out the rest.

It’s gonna take some time

I’m in a bad place right now.  It’s taken a while for me to truly acknowledge that fact.  I’m sad.  I’m withdrawing. I worry about every single aspect of my life.  It’s tearing me up and I feel like I’m scraping the edge of life by my bloody fingernails.

Money: It’s tight, to put it gently.  Tight in my way of thinking isn’t that I have no money, it’s that I just don’t know if the money I have is going to do what I need it to do. My daughter just started high school and my son will be graduating at the end of this school year and going on to college.  How am I going to make it?  Just 4 more years in this fucking house is all I need and I don’t know if I can do it.  If I sell it, it will be for a loss I’m sure.  If I move I won’t be able to afford to stay in my daughters school district.  She get’s it…she’s a smart girl.  I can’t do that to her, she doesn’t deserve to be pulled away from her friends when she’s fully enjoying high school life and her friends…I can’t do it.  I reached out to my ex for some help, I haven’t heard back yet.

My Ex: He’s getting married in approximately 6 weeks.  Good for him…really.  He’s not sacrificing a thing.  He’s sold his place, sold the girlfriends, bought a house together, bought his second new car in 3 years…all without a thought to anyone but himself.  He’s cried poor mouth to me a few times…must be rough.  Engagement ring, wedding, new house, new car, motorcycle, snowmobiles….I can see how that could all be hard.  I don’t expect him to “bail” me out or anything…that’s not what I need or want.  I’m frustrated that he continues to live free without the burden of thinking about anyone or anything but himself and what he wants.  This is nothing new…but it still frustrates the shit out of me.

My job: Why oh why the hell has the Universe seem fit to keep me here so long???  Is it payback for some terrible misdeed?  I wain back and forth between doing everything I can to find a way out, to settling in and making the best of it.  We’re treated like children, dismissed when we have anything to say, forced to listen to him sing karaoke or tell him how great he looks after losing  xx pounds on his new diet.  There there’s the professional crap…or lack of professionalism if way to many cases.  So much goes against every fiber of my being but no matter how much I try there seems to be some reason for me to stay put.  It’s slowly chipping away at me, one day I’m gonna snap.

The hunky Stallion: Let’s just say…we’ll talk about it later.

My friends: I am very lucky to have some great people in my life.  Unfortunately I’m slowly pushing them all away.  I’ve been called out on it and admitted to it…I just can’t seem to stop it.  The place I’m in right now makes me miserable.  Who wants to be around someone who’s sad and quiet and withdrawn???  So, I pull back, decline offers and eventually feel even sadder and more alone than before.  It’s a pattern of mine and believe me I’m trying to break it.  Honestly…just give me some time.

Me: Oh where to start…where to stop.  I suck.  I’m still working out, still smoking, still eating and drinking like I think I can make up for it tomorrow…only I’m not a dumb ass and I know better, I’m just not doing better.  I feel like I’m on the verge of tears every fucking second, only when I give myself an opportunity to let it out….nothing fucking happens.  I give myself the same talk I would a loved one going through this, I weigh the pros and cons, encourage myself, give myself a break and yet I can’t seem to move one goddamn inch.

Frozen.  It’s uncomfortable and it making me sick to my stomach. I’ve reached out for professional help.  Something tells me I’m going to cry for the first 15 mins after I open my mouth.  It’s something.  I don’t know what I need right now.  Not sure what kind shaking I need before my ass finally get’s itself out of this shit.  Whatever it is I hope it happens soon.  It this goes on for to much longer I fear I just might not recover.

The thing I miss most about being a couple…that I never really had in the first place.

Today is a tough day for me. My precious dog is dying… he has kidney failure and it totally and completely sucks. I’m heartbroken to say the least. I love that fucking crazy dog…even though I won’t let him on my bed anymore. Over the past 20 years I haven’t been without a dog in my life. Through those years it’s been my dogs that have seen me through some of the hardest times of my life. They have been the one’s to comfort me when I sat alone in a room and cried my eyes out…or sat in udder silence because there were no more tears to cry.

It’s got me thinking…this is one of the times I miss not having a partner. Someone to hold me and know my suffering. A strong arm around me while my heart breaks over the loss. The problem is, I’ve never really had that kind of partner. Over the years I’ve learned to just suffer alone…except that I had my dog. Now it’s my dog who I’m losing, and there is no one to comfort me. Yes, the kids are suffering…but they are teenagers and they are more in the moment with their grief…then consumed by their own needs. Yes I have wonderful friends who have reached out…but it’s not the same.

The man I was married to was not a comforter. He was a provider, period. When my grandfather died, he did not join me for the drive up north to spread his ashes. He’ll tell you it’s because I told him not too. That is true, but the reason is because I would have to baby his insecurities instead. When my first grandmother passed I was devastated…after finding me more than a week later crying alone in the living room, he asked me what I needed. To be honest, I was shocked, I don’t think he’s ever asked me that before. “A hug. I could really just use a hug.” He looked at me, and walked out of the room. When my last grandmother was in the hospital,incubated and not looking like she would be here much longer, I got the call first thing in the morning while everyone was getting ready…I told him I had to go. He replied “but I have a meeting this morning.”

Yes…I miss having someone to comfort me in my pain, feel my heartbreak, hold me tight and tell me things will get better. I miss something I’ve never had in my life from a man…and yet still long for. I can handle being single in just about every situation…But just this once, I wish I had someone there just for me. Someone I didn’t have to be strong for, who would take the lead and let me just break down. Someone who would just hold me till all the tears where done.

Maybe next time.

It’s not my responsibility…I need to let go

The thing about ripping your family apart and divorcing your partner is that afterwards…you hope that you both can learn something.  You hope that you learn not to make the same mistakes.  You hope your partner doesn’t make the same mistakes.  What you really need to learn is that you are responsible for YOU and you alone…whether or not your partner learns something is not your responsibility and you need to let go.

I know…I’ve learned a lot.  I know for sure I won’t make the same mistakes I made in the past…although I’m sure I’ll make some new ones.  What I don’t know…is if he has learned anything or not.  I know he is not my responsibility, but the fact is I care a great deal for this man, and I ultimately want him to be happy.  Not my responsibility.  Still…I wonder.

MY personal feelings about life after divorce is that you need to have some time alone.  You need some time to get your own shit together…work through the pain of it, and spend some quality time with your children.  At some point, you will add another person into the mix…and I think it’s important that you make sure you’ve healed before you do that.

One of (in my opinion) biggest problems my ex has was his need to say “yes” to everyone and everything.  He didn’t say yes cause he really wanted to help…he did it because he didn’t want to look like an asshole.  He would bitch to me about having to do all this shit…sometimes taking entire weekends to help out someone else…while his family spent that time away from him.  He would complain that people were always asking him to do shit…but never said “no”.  I would tell him that he COULD  say no…but he rarely did.  Of course, he had no problem blowing off my requests…. When he needed to do something…he wouldn’t ask for help, not even from me (except when it came to moving heavy furniture…that he would need me for)…and sometimes I would force him to accept MY help.  Pissed because he “had” to help someone else…pissed because he “had” to do shit without help.

Since the divorce my ex has spent a lot of time with a woman…a woman he told me his in NOT attracted too.  However, they spend ALLOT of time together.  He’s doing things to help her out, her family out.  She comes over on the weekends the kids are there…goes to his parents house to go snowmobiling…among other things.  I am NOT opposed to him spending time with her…or any other woman for that matter.  As a matter of fact, in the beginning I was all for the weekend outings to her bothers cabin, trips to the Dells so forth, because I know that he would not plan stuff like that on his own. I feared he would spend his time sulking at home. The only problem I have is that this woman leaves him no time to spend with his kids…alone.  She’s there all the time.  My feelings are that SHE is doing all the inviting, and he is following old patterns and doesn’t want to look like an asshole and just say no.

One time she asked me if my son would like to go with her and her son to some Medieval times thing…I said sure.  Next thing I know my ex is telling me she called him and said she had tickets for him and the girl too!  He said he didn’t want to go…not into that.  He went.  Sigh.  Someday he’s going to meet a woman he’s interested in ( I hope)…what then?  He’s going to go from one broken relationship, to one all consuming fill in…to what???  Where is the time to reflect?  Where is the time to really get to know your kids?  Where is the….I know I know IT’S NON OF MY BUSINESS….but like I said, I care.

I would say something…but I know he’s not interested in my opinion.  Why would he be.  I need to let go.  I know that.  Still…it kind of bugs me.  I’ve always know she was interested in him…there is a part of me that feels he’s being manipulated…yet I know he’s a grown man, and if he doesn’t want to do something, he can speak up for himself.  There is also a part of me that wants someone else to see that he really can be an asshole…however it seems that is still something he only wants to share with me.  Lucky me. I used to tell him the only reason he stayed married to me was cause he didn’t have the balls to speak up…maybe he’s doing the same thing now.  Maybe he’s not.  Bottom line…it’s not my responsibility and it’s not my business.

It’s time for me to let it go.

Divorce

Let me start off by making something perfectly clear. I am NOT an advocate for divorce. I think divorce sucks.  However…I am a huge advocate for listening to your gut, and knowing what is the right thing to do. Not just for you…but for everyone involved.

My decision to get a divorce was not a selfish one. It took many years to finally come to terms that the relationship my husband and I had was not a healthy one, and was not making either one of us, or our children happy.  I cannot control him. I cannot make him love me the way I want, support me when I need it or make me his top priority.  Nor, can I give him what he wants or needs…when he himself isn’t sure of what that is.
If I had been more aware when I was 20, I would have seen the signs of a doomed relationship…but I am a romantic.  Ok, it was not “romance” that drew me to him..it was simple conditioning. I was drawn to what I knew.  After I started counseling…and when I really began to start looking for solutions to my problems, not excuses, I truly felt that I was going to be able to make my marriage work.  As a matter of fact, when things started coming out and truths that had been concealed were finally out in the open, I romantically believed with all my heart that our relationship had no where to go but up.  I remember standing in my front room crying and thinking to myself “finally it’s all out there.  Everything is out in the open.  Now things will finally get better.”  That was hopeful thinking.  Despite the problems in my marriage…the bad emotions I felt, the guilt the anger the frustration…I really didn’t want to get a divorce. I truly honestly wanted to be able to work through our issues, and come together as a strong loving couple.  For a while, I really thought that was the case…and for a short period, it seemed like we were on the right track.
It wasn’t until a minor incident that the truth of the matter came out. He was NOT being honest with me. He was harboring his own negativity, doubts and frustration towards me. For whatever reason, he just could not understand how I could have done the things I had done, felt the way I felt…wanted the things I wanted.  No matter how many times I explained.  It was not getting through. Although he was “playing along” he was really harboring a lot of pain, and he just did not trust me.

Here’s the thing.  I can’t blame him.  It would be easy to say, he just didn’t love me enough or he wasn’t trying…or he didn’t want to understand.  Maybe.  Of course, it could also be, he just didn’t know how.  That was something I learned through counseling.  We all have our shit…we all have our stories that make us who we are, where we came from.  Every one of us.  I cannot help him. There was nothing that I could say or do that was going to make the story in his head change.  I wish I could have. He’s got his issues…and they are HIS not mine.

So, despite my efforts, I could not make him be the man I needed him to be.  He could not make me the woman he wanted me to be.  We were different.  We were just not meant for each other.  Love or not, it wasn’t going to work.
That is not to say that your story has the same fate.  I’m a big believer that if you truly want to make things work…things will work.  In the case of marriage, it has to be two people working together.  There is no healthy way for it to be one sided.

I was doing my best to be happy with the life I had.  I could not make him happy. So in the end, I had to make the decision to let him go. Give myself a chance to be myself and fulfill my own hopes, and give him the same opportunity.