Category Archives: parenting

Liar Liar…stop trying to put my pants on fire!

My ex husband recently accused me of posting something on FB about him that wasn’t true. I didn’t.  Unfortunately that really doesn’t matter.  Someone told him I said something, and without proof assumed it was true.  The last thing I said to him was “Why do you assume I would be the one lying?”

A few years ago, when he was dropping off the kids, the neighbor came out to talk to him.  When he left, he said “the neighbors are concerned with what’s going on over here, you should watch yourself.” and he left.  WTF?? So I marched my ass over to the neighbor to ask what’s up.  Apparently, one of the neighbors had an issue with me leaving my garbage cans out a little too long.  I immediately texted my ex to tell inform him of the neighborhoods BIG concern.  All I can think is that he must have imagined endless strange cars parked in my driveway, orgies, parties….all things that may concern certain people.  What he didn’t do, was ask what the big concern was.  See, he isn’t interested in truth, he’s interested in seeing me as a bad person, and there are enough people who would  leave him with that impression, even if it was unintentional.

There are a few things about this most recent accusation that bothers me.  I certainly know I open myself up to critics by sharing my stories.  I also know that not everyone I’m “friends” with on FB is really a friend.  For the most part, I enjoy social media and have learned to block out all the drama.  So, you want to gossip, ok.  Think about this…someone told my ex husband something that wasn’t true, which hurt him.  Not only that, but it hurt our already strained relationship, adding lighter fluid to a fire that is never going to burn out completely no matter what.  What did this person think they were going to gain by “sharing” this information?  Did they want him to see me as an Ex bashing drama queen spreading lies bout him?  I don’t know…and honestly I don’t really care.  Thanks asshole.

The second thing that bothers me, is that because he felt the need to confront me the way he did, it has caused some issues with my kids.  I have tried very hard to let my kids know that no matter what, their father and I can and will unite for their benefit.  When he told the kids to ask me to come outside, it peaked their curiosity.  They heard the entire encounter.  Now, both of them feel like they need to keep the interactions between the two of us to a minimum, cause apparently we can’t get along.

One incident and that trust is broken.  One false accusation and I’m the bad guy.

Maybe I should share less.  I could say 10,000 wonderful things about my ex…then one day I’ll call him and asshole and all hell will break loose.

I’m saddened by this, but not really surprised by any of it.  Now, I’ll go back to just doing what I do and let Karma work out the rest.

What a beautiful world this can be

May is almost over…and so is (almost) all the shit that has been driving me crazy lately.  My son graduated high school last weekend.  Seriously, I still look at him and remember when he graduated preschool.  Oh my has he grown.  What was most beautiful about his graduation was his joy.  He had a smile that just lights me up…I want to see more of that.

His graduation party was a success….again, too see a young man who was happy and smiling.  I couldn’t ask for more.  However, I was grateful to have a house full of wonderful people.  Former coworkers, new coworker, old friends, new friends, family I haven’t seen in way to long.  The day was beautiful, and the house was filled with laughter and joy.  There is a long standing joke with my friends about how the weather always goes south when I plan out-door events.  Not this time.  I’m going to say that my shift in attitude may have played a huge role in that…for had I stayed in the darkness, the rain would undoubtedly come.

A few weeks ago I was reminded that I needed (desperately) to let go of doubt and worry.  So I did.  What happened was that the little twitch in my eye went away, and good things started falling into place.  Things were finally aligning in a good way….because I was able to embrace the good and let go of the bad thoughts.  What you think about, you bring about.  I was tired of waking up every morning filled with doubt and gloom.  That is a choice, just like choosing to wake up with a grateful heart.

It isn’t as though the next few months are not going to come with challenges.  In just a few short weeks we will be on the fast track to  getting my son ready to go away to college.  There is no way for me to truly express how excited I am for him…and how hard it is for me to grasp this new phase of his life, and mine.  No matter what, I will bring to this coming “adventure” (my son tells me I use that word incorrectly too much, ha!) with a positive and grateful attitude.  He has opportunities ahead of him I wish I had taken advantage of when I was 18, but then if I had, he may not have been one of my greatest blessings.  I’m not sure how I’m going to handle not being able to see his face everyday.  Knowing that he’s not just behind his bedroom door…annoyed at me for popping in.  I am blessed, elated and trying to manage the little bit of fear and loss that will surly stir once he is gone.

Even though I attribute May to having been a busy and highly emotional month for me….there is still a lot of work to be done over these next few months.  Time to buckle down and get my ass back in alignment with my plans.   I gave myself a break in order to deal with the self inflicted emotional rollercoaster I was on, and now it’s time to get back to the real work.  Cleaning up and clearing out.  That includes fear, doubt, worry as well as physical clutter.  It also means focusing more on moving to a better place for work and relationships.

The challenges are not over…and it is a blessing that they never will be.  What is over is allowing negative emotions and thoughts to overshadow those challenges.  I’m moving forward with a renewed sense of purpose and gratitude….and that is how I will face each new challenge.  Even if that challenge is simply to NOT give in to the pesky dark voices that whisper in my ear “You’re not going to make it.”

Yes I am, asshole.  Yes I am.

Things will never be the same.

I had a bit of a breakdown, completely lost my shit and had and epiphany all in a span of 5 days.

It’s been quite a week.

I’m not going to go into details of the breakdown (cause I’ve been there before), or the losing my shit (yeah, that too).  I am going to tell you how all of that got me to a clearer understanding of myself, in a way I haven’t before. (even though I totally know I should have by now)

I’m reading the book The Conscious Parent.  What I like most about it is that it isn’t telling you how to discipline your children or how to get them to behave the way you want…It is about understanding yourself, as a child and as a parent.  It is about finding truth behind what it is your children do and the things they trigger in you. It’s also about accepting them completely, as they are, who they are…right at this moment.

I am completely and immensely grateful for having read this book.

Anyway….after my breakdown(don’t all great stories of triumph start in the gutter?), and after losing my shit (the hell storm before the calm), I was in sort of a “what the fuck am I doing?? why do I keep doing this shit??” state of mind.  While I was reading the chapter about the roles we play as children, when I got it.  I am chasing love and acceptance.  It was absolutely clear that was my role as a child, my role as a sought our romantic relationships, and the same role as parent.  What was so eye opening was that I do it with my children too…every single trigger is about my feeling loved and accepted.

Ok, here it is, I’m chasing love AGAIN!! Instead of stepping back and making some room for it to come to me I’m trying to control a situation I know damn good and well is not going to change no matter what I do.  I was not accepting things as they really were.  Still trying to say the right thing, or do the right thing, or take the blame for anything and everything…just to make him love me.

I chase and chase until I’m exhausted.  With my mother, with my father, my ex-husband, friends, lovers…Every fucking person, every fucking time.  Chasing love and acceptance from anyone who has rejected me, but claims to care for me.  This shit has got to stop.

I told my counselor and he agrees.  I was nurtured for this role…and I have perfected it.  I’m exhausted.  Chasing love is a lot like running, and I really don’t like running.  Why do relationships have to be so hard??  Well, he says, good healthy relationships AREN’T hard.  The one’s I try so desperately to hold on to are.  Shit, I don’t want to do hard anymore.

HOW do I snap out of it??? How the hell do I stop myself from doing it with the next schmuck??  If I keep chasing every idiot who will not ever love me…I will never have room for someone who will.

The answer is to just stop and ask.  Am I chasing or am I allowing???  If the answer is chasing…get the fuck out, shut the damn door…turn your ass around and high tail it out of there.  You don’t have time for this crap anymore.

So all you handsome narcissistic assholes, charming emotionally unavailable and/or emotionally immature men….This chick is OFF the market.  For YOU that is…off the market for anyone who needs someone to chase them.  Off the market for anyone who triggers that part of me.  I’m not chasing anymore….Done.

Things are never going to be the same.  There are going to be a few Universal tests coming I just know it.  I laugh cause I know it’s not going to be easy, but maybe a little easier than it would have been a year ago.  I’m going to be unpredictable to those who know my type…and I’m sure that, again, I’ll piss a few people off in the process.  I’ve had some experience at how changing affects the people who desperately need you to remain the same.

Ok, I’m all fired up and ready let go of the role of Chaser.  Now I just need to have a little faith that no matter what my past has been like, there is someone for me out there.  Someone who does not need me to chase them, who will not withhold their affections as a weapon, who will love and accept me completely.

Here I go…

It’s gonna take some time

I’m in a bad place right now.  It’s taken a while for me to truly acknowledge that fact.  I’m sad.  I’m withdrawing. I worry about every single aspect of my life.  It’s tearing me up and I feel like I’m scraping the edge of life by my bloody fingernails.

Money: It’s tight, to put it gently.  Tight in my way of thinking isn’t that I have no money, it’s that I just don’t know if the money I have is going to do what I need it to do. My daughter just started high school and my son will be graduating at the end of this school year and going on to college.  How am I going to make it?  Just 4 more years in this fucking house is all I need and I don’t know if I can do it.  If I sell it, it will be for a loss I’m sure.  If I move I won’t be able to afford to stay in my daughters school district.  She get’s it…she’s a smart girl.  I can’t do that to her, she doesn’t deserve to be pulled away from her friends when she’s fully enjoying high school life and her friends…I can’t do it.  I reached out to my ex for some help, I haven’t heard back yet.

My Ex: He’s getting married in approximately 6 weeks.  Good for him…really.  He’s not sacrificing a thing.  He’s sold his place, sold the girlfriends, bought a house together, bought his second new car in 3 years…all without a thought to anyone but himself.  He’s cried poor mouth to me a few times…must be rough.  Engagement ring, wedding, new house, new car, motorcycle, snowmobiles….I can see how that could all be hard.  I don’t expect him to “bail” me out or anything…that’s not what I need or want.  I’m frustrated that he continues to live free without the burden of thinking about anyone or anything but himself and what he wants.  This is nothing new…but it still frustrates the shit out of me.

My job: Why oh why the hell has the Universe seem fit to keep me here so long???  Is it payback for some terrible misdeed?  I wain back and forth between doing everything I can to find a way out, to settling in and making the best of it.  We’re treated like children, dismissed when we have anything to say, forced to listen to him sing karaoke or tell him how great he looks after losing  xx pounds on his new diet.  There there’s the professional crap…or lack of professionalism if way to many cases.  So much goes against every fiber of my being but no matter how much I try there seems to be some reason for me to stay put.  It’s slowly chipping away at me, one day I’m gonna snap.

The hunky Stallion: Let’s just say…we’ll talk about it later.

My friends: I am very lucky to have some great people in my life.  Unfortunately I’m slowly pushing them all away.  I’ve been called out on it and admitted to it…I just can’t seem to stop it.  The place I’m in right now makes me miserable.  Who wants to be around someone who’s sad and quiet and withdrawn???  So, I pull back, decline offers and eventually feel even sadder and more alone than before.  It’s a pattern of mine and believe me I’m trying to break it.  Honestly…just give me some time.

Me: Oh where to start…where to stop.  I suck.  I’m still working out, still smoking, still eating and drinking like I think I can make up for it tomorrow…only I’m not a dumb ass and I know better, I’m just not doing better.  I feel like I’m on the verge of tears every fucking second, only when I give myself an opportunity to let it out….nothing fucking happens.  I give myself the same talk I would a loved one going through this, I weigh the pros and cons, encourage myself, give myself a break and yet I can’t seem to move one goddamn inch.

Frozen.  It’s uncomfortable and it making me sick to my stomach. I’ve reached out for professional help.  Something tells me I’m going to cry for the first 15 mins after I open my mouth.  It’s something.  I don’t know what I need right now.  Not sure what kind shaking I need before my ass finally get’s itself out of this shit.  Whatever it is I hope it happens soon.  It this goes on for to much longer I fear I just might not recover.

Don’t touch me!

It’s the phrase I hate most in my life. Don’t touch me! What? Wait…but I want to touch you. I want to hug you and kiss you and put my hand on your arm when you’re talking so you know I’m really listening. What the hell??!!

My ex husband used to say that to me a lot. Which confused the hell out of me cause I know you want to have sex with me, which I am pretty sure involves touching, but in absolutely no other circumstance do you want me to put my hand on you?? He stopped holding my hand before we were even married. A Smart person would have realized what a major clue that would be as to the type of affection one would be getting for the next decade or more of their life with this man. No…Not me. I was apparently a huge dumbass.

I am a very affectionate person…who, coincidentally, came from a family that wasn’t really all that touchy feely. I like touching. I like hugging. I like knowing that I can give you just a little bit of comfort without saying a word. Touchy touchy touchy. Every day I hear this awful phrase “Don’t touch me!” from both my kids. What the fuck? I carried you in my body for 9 fucking months in full and complete discomfort I might add. I breast fed you both. I held you when you were tired or scared, I hugged you when you were sad or just because you wanted me to. I carried you when you just didn’t have the strength to go one more inch on your own feet. When the girl was little, she would have night terrors. I would sit with her in my lap and talk to her softly until she would come out of it and crawl back in bed. How many times did you fall asleep on my shoulder because you just didn’t want me to put you down. Oh, and let’s not forget that for at least 8 years I never had a chair to myself,I always had someone needing to be in the exact same place I was…at all times, and more often than not it was both of you.

Don’t touch me. ARGGGG….This kills me. How can I have spent so many years cuddling them and loving them and (lord help me) touching them only to have them turn out to be just like their father. Don’t touch me. I can almost hear his voice when they say it. It honestly takes me right back to the day when he first jerked his hand away from mine and said those awful words “Don’t touch me”. Please please PLEASE tell me this is just a phase…a stupid teenage thing. I don’t think I can spend the rest of my parental life not giving my kids hugs or feeling their hand in mine. Really, that would totally suck the big one.

Every now and then (and it’s so rare I might have to start naming them like they do those comets that come around every 18 years or so), they will…give me a hug. Those times I just want to wrap my arms around them so tight even I can’t let go. Sigh. It’s rare, but it happens. I’ve learned to not try to hold on too long, but I want to.

Teenagers suck. I think I need a hug.

If it were me…but it isn’t.

I have mentioned before, that I am well versed in the ways of the narcissistic personality. I was raised by one, then proceeded to marry one. The whole part about being unable or incapable of thinking about someone else is polar opposite of my own personality. When I make decisions I’m always thinking about how it will affect those around me. It’s what I do. It’s who I am.

There have been days…I wished I could feel the freedom of only thinking of myself. Never caring if it might inconvenience someone if I chose to change things up. Just once I would like to just do what I want because I want to with no thought. I don’t think I could really do it. I’m just not that kind of person…but I do wonder what that kind of freedom would feel like.

Why now? Well the way it works is that one night a week the kids go spend the night with their dad. One night a week and every other weekend. On that one night a week I don’t have to worry about how late I’ll be at work, if the kids had dinner, if they are going to get to bed on time, brush their teeth…ect. Just one night a week. This week that night falls on the first day of school. So I told them I wouldn’t see them after the first day so they would have to tell me the next morning…to which I was told, they would not be going to Dad’s that day. Hmm…really? Well we didn’t last year.

Ok, last year the first day of school was the night after, and honestly, I wanted to get them off right. This year is a little different. This year EVERYTHING is different. Except their dad…he’s still the same. So he is going to not see his children for 10 days because their first day of school is the day they would usually go see him. Seems stupid, but that’s not really what bothers me the most, I’m pretty used to his stupid ideas. What really bugs the fuck out of me is that he never even ran it by me. Last year I told him that I thought it was best if they stayed home that night..but gave him a chance to take them another night. This year, I was just told, they aren’t going.

I love my kids…but a single mom needs her breaks. I’m fucking tired and really look forward to that one night a week where I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself. It’s a mental break for me. Not this time, nope…not even a little “hey, since the kids start school on Thurs, why don’t I take them on Tues instead”. Not even that. So I texted him. Just told him that if he plans on not taking the kids on his night to run it past me next time. He responded asking if it was a problem…I didn’t reply. If I were to reply I would want to explain how making choices that affect other people and the plans they may or may not have had is rude and inconsiderate. Of course the wording would have been much more eloquent and sophisticated and I would have written and re-written it a few times to make sure my point was crystal clear. In the end, he wouldn’t understand. He’s never really been able to grasp things that don’t directly affect him. Maybe he doesn’t care…maybe he just isn’t capable, who knows.

Just once I’d like to not think about how my choices affect other people…just once I wish I didn’t care.

Apparently…I’m not the “Fun” parent

It’s not easy being a single parent. It’s especially hard with two teenagers…although it would probably be tough in a two parent household as well. I don’t make a lot of money so our opportunity for adventures are limited. They live with me, so I’m responsible for keeping them on track with school and chores and all the ‘fun’ parenting stuff.

They are good kids though. Both nerdy…and I mean that in a loving way. Recently I surprised them with tickets to Comic Con Chicago. I’ve been trying for two years to get us to the big one in San Diego…I got close this year but still missed missed my window. So when the opportunity to do the one here came up, I snatched it. Last time I tried to take the kids out to do something they complained for a week, so I decided to keep this one a surprise. When we got there, they were excited. I only know this cause I had to ask…teenagers are not as open with their excitement as say a 6 year old would be.

As we were standing in line I told them that I wanted to take pictures and that I didn’t want any of those stupid “I don’t want my picture taken” faces…you know what one’s I mean. I told them to just enjoy it. That’s when the boy told me I wasn’t the “fun” parent. OUCH! That hurt…a lot. It’s not that I don’t try. I mean, really, they don’t give me much help when it comes to doing things they would like. I’ve asked several times what they would like to do…where would they like to go, but they never offer up any suggestions. This adventure was something I thought would be right up their ally, but I can never really be sure.

I stood there in line feeling like shit. There was a moment I thought I might actually cry. This shit isn’t easy. I went from being a stay at home mom to being a full time working parent with a house to take care of on my own, bills to pay, children to feed and take care of all by myself. For the most part I think I’m doing pretty good. There was a moment I thought…I wonder if I would be the fun parent if they were only with me one night a week and every other weekend. What if HE was the one responsible for them 99% of the time. Chores, homework, shopping…as well as trying to get the boy to get a job and taking him for his drivers license. What if the only thing I had to worry about was dinner once a week, and what to do with them for two days every other week.

During dinner I brought it up. I asked them what they would think if they lived with their dad instead. How fun do they think he would be if they were with him all the time. They agreed, that he was probably more fun because he was just making the most of the little time they had together. Living with him wasn’t something they were interested in doing, I think they like the way it is. All I wanted them to understand was that they needed to give me some help in the “Fun” area and understand that I have more responsibility when it comes to them than he does.

Like I said, they’re good kids. They get it. I’m sure it would break their hearts if I said I wanted them to live with their dad for awhile…I’m pretty sure it would scare the hell out him. I don’t want them to. I’d miss them too much. However the house would be much cleaner if they did…my grocery bill would be 1/2 the amount and I’d probably be able to cut all the other utilities down substantially. Sigh…it’s always greener on the other side I suppose.

I think I’m going to have to work on this “fun” thing though. Teenagers can suck sometimes…but I truly believe I’m just the kind of mom to break through that tough exterior and find a little balance with them. Challenge accepted.