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Shame on you…shame on me

I have been a long time fan of Brene Brown. If you are on a journey of self discovery and you have not yet read any of her books, I suggest you make some time to do so.  She has been a long time shame researcher, and for someone who has lived the life I have, her lessons on shame have been invaluable.

Don’t think you’ve experienced shame?  Not a shamer yourself?  Well let me tell you, you are probably wrong. Identifying it in your life will be the best thing you can do to help yourself, and those around you. I recently had this with my mother…”I’m sorry that you are making this all about yourself. I just see you just keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. You’re not helping.”  This was in response to her not getting her way, and not being open minded enough to be involved in knowing or understanding what is really going on.  That is shame in action.  I was supposed to feel all bad about what I was doing and give in…not happening.

As a society we do a lot of shaming.

We shame women who stay home with their kids, and women who chose or have to work.

We shame people who need food stamps to feed their families, and people who over indulge.

We shame people for ordering diet Coke, and people who drink protein shakes.

We shame people who smoke, and people who over exercise.

We shame in those who take religion too seriously, and those who don’t take it at all.

We shame the overweight women in the drive through, and the skinny kid who doesn’t want to eat.

We shame women who breastfeed their babies, and women who chose or have to use formula.

We shame our friends and families for not including us in their lives enough, and for always being around.

We shame ourselves too.  As a matter of fact I’m doing it to myself right now.

Why can’t you get your shit together? If only you would just stick to what you say instead of always caving in?  Hey, why not put a picture of your fat self as your phone back ground so you can remind yourself what you are doing to your body?? Fat shaming myself is not turning out to work as well as I’d hoped.

Is it fair to say my life is not a good one because someone I have chosen is not living up to my personal expectation???  What about the 20 other people who are? The one’s that are ready and willing to be what you need are worth less than the one person you pinned your expectation on who isn’t living up to it?  OMG.  Honestly, I am pretty sure I’ve been in that position myself.  Thankfully I have learned better.

Why do we shame everyone?  Do you know the facts? Are you being everything to everyone and living the highest of high values and character that you feel it is ok to judge and shame a person for doing something you think makes them less. Do you feel like a failure in so many areas, that you think anyone who is failing in the one you luckily have down is a piece of shit? People…geez.

The mom who stays home or the mom who has to work. What the fuck do you care what or why they have chosen their path?  Aren’t we all just doing the best we can for our kids?  My life is not the same as yours even if we choose the same path. So what if the parents are greedy and spoil their kids into being abnoxious self entitled assholes.  Why do you give a shit??  Are you SURE your kids are going to be perfect??  Here’s another thought…no matter what you do, someone else is going to judge you.  So get off what ever fucking horse or soapbox you’re on and do YOUR best with YOUR family and stop the judgment on others.

You think people who use food stamps are pathetic and lazy??  How many do you know personally?  People who are over indulgent are greedy and selfish??? Sounds like jealousy.  Think diet coke and cigarettes are death by hand…so what if they are?  Are they tying you down and forcing it on you? What if they are in transition from an even more deadly addiction and they are trying to step down?Disgusted by the overweight person standing in front of you???  Have you checked the scale lately or maybe you need to check your compassion switch cause you are an asshole.  Think mothers breastfeeding their babies in public is indecent???  Oh please, come tell me that to my face.  Breasts are beautiful…and they are uniquely designed for FEEDING YOUR BABIES!  OMG. Every time I see a video of a woman yelling at another woman who is breastfeeding in public I want to reach into that video and flog them.  I have never seen a mother with her tit hanging out for display.  If there is a face attached to it then there is less of it to see then most bikini tops on the market these days. If you are uncomfortable look away. If it makes your man excited punch that fucker in the face and tell him to stop being a pervert.

The answer to end all of this shaming is compassion.  You either need to have it for others, or you need to have it for yourself.

Another is to let go of expectation.

We are not the same. None of us.  Even if you shared the same womb with someone you are not the same. Every single one of us has our own challenges.  Some put on us by society, some by family, some by circumstance, some by choice and some cause we just don’t know what the hell we are doing.  Ultimately, everyone is just trying to do the best they can…even the fucking asshole next door tossing dog poop in your yard.  Some just don’t know any better, and some have just no been shown any better.

Not a single person has improved their own personal life by shaming someone else.  If you find yourself doing it, turn that shit around on yourself and find out why you feel that way.  Most likely you have some kind of deficiency that you need to tend to. You don’t have to share it, but you should work on it if you truly want to be a better person.  If you don’t, well then toddle loo…. Why not try being a friend or reaching out to someone you might see as less than you.  Maybe that person just needs a kind word.

Please please learn to be kind to one another.  It is the only way to truly being to heal the world and make it harder for those who would chose to bully or attack people.  I’m sure most of us would be heartbroken to see somone get abused, but the only way to make less victims is to make people more empowered.  That comes through compassion and understanding.  Either get to know someone, or get the fuck out of their business.  There is enough shit in our own backyard to attend to without pointing out what looks like shit in someone else’s, and quite honestly what looks like shit to you might be a life raft for someone else.

Take you shame, your judgement and your pity and turn it inward.  If you feel this way towards someone else that means there is something that YOU need to work on.  Good people, kind and compassionate people, people who are secure in their own skin don’t do that.

So, what killed your dream?

Maybe you decided that starting tomorrow you’re going to get up at 5 am and start running. 5 am comes and you reluctantly get up and get dressed only to find out it’s raining cat’s and dogs. Fuck.

Perhaps you’ve decided to finally tackle that long put off home improvement project, only to find out that you are going to have to be putting in extra hours at work and you won’t have the time.

One day you decide that it’s time to start prioritizing your relationship only to find out your partner has been cheating on you and is leaving.

You want to start eating better, so you pack a beautiful healthy salad to take to work…but Fred is retiring and there’s a big office party with tons of unhealthy shit you love.

You want to take your dream vacation…you got laid off your job.

You’re going to start getting to work early to get a head start on your work…car has a flat tire.

You’ve decided to finally go back to school and get your degree… but you get divorced instead and find yourself back in the work force after 15 years and taking care of the house, kids and dog all by yourself.

Fuck fuck fuck!

There are so many more examples.  I’m sure you’ve thought a few of your own.  I know I ran through a long ugly list of mine.  You have a plan, now is the time…something get’s in the fucking way, you freeze.

Dammit.

It’s common, we all do it.  However, those who are successful either do it less often, or get back on the damn horse a lot faster than the rest of us do.  They simply don’t give up, just because it didn’t go as planned.

Think about the first example, running at 5am.  What would you do?  You could say fuck it, and go run in the rain, get on the treadmill or drive to the gym, maybe do something else since you are up and dressed anyway.  If you are determined, the rain won’t stop you, it will just alter your plans a little.

The way I look at it is this…the Universe is watching, and wants to know if you are truly committed, so it  throws in a little test.  Do you let it break you, or do you laugh, change things up and keep moving forward?  If you are like me, many times, you let it break you.  I resign to the idea that it was just not meant to be.  OOOOHHHH maybe you have that ever-favorite conversation in your head “Shit never works out for me”. What I have learned…and sometimes pretended I don’t see, is that when a dream, or a passion or a desire is placed inside of you, it is meant to be.  How many times do you come back to the same thing, only to get stuck by another obstacle and give up…. just to come back to it again? It is yours, take it, just be willing to not let the little shit get in the way.

Another fun obstacle I’ve observed in my life is the need to have approval for moving in on something.  Something tells me, I’m probably not alone in this one either. Yes…this one has played maybe an even bigger role in my lack of follow through than even the unforeseen obstacle.  Mostly it has to do with being around people who always criticiz or belittle your interests.

When I was in my early 30s I decided after a lifetime of being a customer, I was going to be a Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay Cosmetics.  My husband told me to go for it…but it better not cost too much, and my mother agreed to book a party to get me going.  It seemed as though I was getting support, which was rare for me.  After the party, which went about as well as you could expect for a first time, my mother asked her friends what they thought of my “performance”.  Everyone had nice things to say, were encouraging and empathetic.  Then my mom said “No, tell her what you really think.” She proceeded to list out all of my failures, reading to much, not engaging enough, blah blah blah…. All things, mind you, I already knew as I was doing it, but still did my best to keep going.  I knew, it was only a matter of time before I would get a hang of it.  Unfortunately, I took her criticism too hard, and I quit. If I couldn’t get the support and encouragement from my mother, what the hell did I think I was doing?? What I should have done was just  keep going until I got better. I’ll never know whether or not I could be driving that pink Cadillac.

Over the years, I let other people’s lack of support or criticism derail something I was immensely passionate or excited about.  Time and time again I would have an idea, cultivate it and come up with a plan, passionately express that to a loved one, only to listen to all the reasons why it or I would fail.  They might be right, what the fuck was I thinking???

What I needed to do then, and still now, is listen to that part of me that says go for it anyway!!!

Raining on your first run day? Run anyway!!

Long work hours keeping you from working on your project? Take a little time and tackle a small part of the project anyway!!

Partner not interested in prioritizing your relationship? Prioritize your relationship with YOU instead!!

Big office party putting a kink in your nutrition plans?? Enjoy a little of your favorites now, eat the salad for dinner!!

Dream vacation plans pooped on because you lost your job?  Maybe instead of visiting the place of your dreams maybe it’s time you pack up and move there!!!

There is a way around ever fucking obstacle you will run into.  The only thing standing in your way of success is what you do with that obstacle.  It can shut you down, or it can be a tiny little blip.  The hardest thing we will ever do in our life is take that first step towards something we want.  Our lives are made up of opportunities to take that step all the time, and we can choose to take it and get on to the next step, or we can be back looking at that same damn first step over and over again, never getting to step two.

Let me lay a few facts that I have learned.

Step two is easier than step one.  Obstacles clear once you start moving forward.  Obstacles will reappear, but if you are already in motion, they will do less to stop you.

Have faith and be open.  If “this” doesn’t work, that’s ok, just move forward anyway.  Sometimes you will have to change your game plan to get on a better path, but if you are open to possibilities you will most likely get something way better in return.

People who criticize have nothing to do with you.  If you are surrounded by crabby ass people who never encourage you or always put down your ideas don’t do it because your ideas are stupid, but because they don’t have the courage to follow their own dreams.  Spend less time with them, go out and find new people to be around. I promise you there are people out there that will be supportive. If you can’t find anyone right away, I am always here to listen and cheer you on. Seriously.

Pay attention.  If something keeps pulling you in a particular direction explore it.  You never know what you are capable of till you try, the Universe knows what a special person you are so trust it. Often it will lay the ground work for you… Go where your heart goes.

Trying and failing is so much better than never trying at all.  Opportunities are everywhere, more come into view when you are out there doing instead of sitting around waiting.

Don’t wait till someone gives you permission.  If you have a dream, that is all the permission you need to act. You do not ever need someone else to tell you it’s ok, but if you need ask me, I’ll give you the thumbs up.

I have an idea I am working on right now.  As much as I would like to have the support of my friends on this (and I’m not saying I don’t) I know I do not need them behind me in order to get it off the ground.  Maybe it’s not a good time for them.  Maybe they don’t see the big picture. Maybe I’ve proven myself to be a bit of a flake and they need time to see if I’m all talk, or whether I will be taking some action. Maybe it’s about bringing new people into my life.

All I’m saying here is that we all get stuck, and I get it…but let’s not stay there till we’re 95, ok?  However, if your 95 and still haven’t taken that step, get on it!!!! It’s never too late to start.

First comes the epiphany…then comes the negotiations.

Here I am all proud of cracking the code to my deep seeded need to self-sabotage.  How do you celebrate such and epiphany??  Do you throw out all the junk food and start doing laps around the neighborhood? Do you throw out all your “fat” clothes?  Do you high five yourself while you do 1000 crunches and tell yourself that those fuckers who thought you were a failure are going to have to eat shit?

If you are me, you have two (homemade mind you) bacon, avocado cheese burgers.  Yep…now we start the negotiations.

Excuse one: I am fucking tired and besides I ate good all day and I am hangry for a cheeseburger.

Excuse two: I don’t have to start today.  I can just be happy knowing I got a grip and will soon be putting myself to work.

Excuse three-infinity: You have time and you need to finish up some stuff…and there’s this and that and how can you expect to have the time right now. Geez.

Yeah. That’s me.  I feel like what I need is to put a life size cut out of my mother and my ex-husband giving me that stupid fucking “See, we knew you couldn’t do it” face right in the middle of my living room.  Maybe that would be motivating.  Since cutting those two out of my life (for the most part) it’s nice not having to look at their face, or listen to the negativity.  Nope, now all I have to listen to is me…and me ain’t saying too much to get my shit going.

I won’t be beating myself up for too long. Right now I’m still absorbing the message and kind of laughing at myself.  At least it’s with a kind heart, not like when the other shit-heads used to. I also have to acknowledge that I am not sitting around on my ass not doing anything but stuffing my face and complaining about my jiggly parts.  There is work to be done…and so it must be done.  I am not leaving myself behind, I’m taking care of shit, before I take care of MY shit.

Planning is important, but doing is the key.  So, while I am not doing the “eat healthy and exercise” shit right now, I’m trying not to negotiate with my inner dumbass about why I don’t really need to be doing this today. Or tomorrow.  Or why it would be ok if I just started next week.

No, I’m keeping my mind on the prize. I’m acknowledging the slip and reminding myself that I am important…and how I feel is important.  I’m not giving up the good fight. I’m not throwing in the towel.

I’m going to end this post and head into the kitchen and start putting together some delightful meals to grab and go for the next few days.  I’m also reminding myself that I have tools at my disposal that are not in the least bit overwhelming…

Negotiations can be tough, especially if those negotiations are with a voice in your head that has been some what in charge for a hugly (hahaha)  part of your life.  She has won enough times…now it’s time for a new champion. A champion who can’t wait to stop bitching about not finding anything comfortable to wear.

 

 

Following your gut also known as “Are you fucking insane?”

Being able to quit a job that was dragging me down gave me the energy and faith to see my life finally going in a positive direction.  It was time to grab on to that energy and make the changes that I had been holding back for so long.  So, after a few months settled in to a job where I was appreciated and valued, I decided to tackle another big personal move.  I was finally going to sell my house.

That house was never a place I truly felt at home.  This was a house that was forced on to me by my then husband despite my never-ending rejection.  He had it in his head and there was no changing his mind.  So, we bought the house and did our updates while day after day I cried.  Finally, I decided that if this is where I was, I was going to accept it and do my best to make it mine.  It was only 3 years in that I found myself divorced and tackling this shit on my own.  As usual, I flopped back and forth for years trying to accept and be at peace with it, and feeling the need to kiss it goodbye.  I allowed other people’s opinions sway my decision to stay for way to long…then one day I decided enough was enough and I was going to let go of that goddamn house once and for all.

Once I made up my mind, I moved like a ninja.  I got an agent who was referred to me by a good friend.  She had an awesome marketing plan and since the market was only just starting to crawl back up, I decided to pay her way more than I would have ever paid a real estate agent, in hopes that this would be a done deal by summer. It was August and my plan was to have it on the market by spring.  She said, why wait?  So instead of giving myself 6 months to prepare I took on the challenge of getting it ready in just 60 days.  I must be crazy, right?  I knew there was a LOT to do to get this shit together before opening it up, but…I said yes, and so it began.

The first thing on my awesome agents marketing plan was to have a professional stager come in and make recommendations. I, being the fierce bitch I am, already had a shit ton of things on the list that I personally felt needed to be done.  She agreed with my entire list, and only had a few more suggestions.  It was time to get working, there was no time to waste….so every spare moment I had for the next 8 weeks was spent getting that house ready to release.  The week after I made the decision, a neighbor two houses down put their house on the market.  Fuck.  Their house was sooooo much nicer than mine and I knew that although my house had a lot of new upgrades, their house needed a lot less work…at least in my mind. How in the hell was I going to compete with that? I mean there house looked like it was dropped right out of a 1970’s house beautiful magazine spread. Ugh…well, I’m not backing out now so I put my faith in my decision and went ahead with it.

There was a lot of emotion in every bit of it.  I was bitter about my situation and I knew that I had to let that go.  Everyday during lunch, after work, weekends….late into the night I tackled that fucking list.  So many of the projects I knew I should have done years before, for myself, but because sometimes I’m really stubborn, I put them off because, well, fuck this house.  I packed, cleaned, painted, repaired, replaced, packed, cleaned, painted, repaired and replaced my little heart out.  Clearing out shit that belonged to my ex in-laws because they didn’t want to deal with it, pissed me off.  Clearing out shit that my ex-husband left because he didn’t want to deal with it, pissed me off.  I took car loads of crap to Goodwill, tossed out things that were older than my kids, had two garage sales and filled the garbage bins to capacity on a weekly basis.

Although I did not get everything on the list completed, I did a damn fine job and finally it was time.  The second step in the marketing plan was to have a professional photographer come in.  I cleaned that mother fucker like my life depended on it and staged each room with simplicity and style.  The pictures turned out beautiful and there was a twinge of what I thought was regret in my belly.  Was I doing the right thing?  Was I being emotional instead of practical?  What the fuck??? You could have done all this shit for yourself and been at peace with your situation, right???  AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

On November 1st  the house went live.  I was even more nervous because the house down the street was still for sale and they had dropped their price twice already.  Fuck…fuck fuck fuck fuck.  Ok, this is what it is and let’s let it roll. At least I’ll have some time to relax and enjoy my work for a while, right?

Nope.

I had my first request for a showing within hours of it going live.  Here we go, I told myself, time to open yourself up for a shit ton of disappointment and criticism.  I mean everyone is going to point out what a shit hole that house is and how it nowhere near worth your asking price. You are going to lose lady…and it’s going to hurt a lot. Thankfully, I could not have been more wrong.  Within less than 48 hours of listing that house I had full asking price and a request to close in 6 weeks.  OMG OMG OMG OMG….this shit is fucking real!!!! After 10 years of being in a house I never wanted to be in I’m finally going to get to walk away…finally going to be able to start my own life.  There was no time for rest….now it was full speed ahead to clear out and find something of my own.

Step one: get away from the crazy psycho boss.

Check.

Step two: let go of that house.

Check.

And then it was done

It was the best of times…it was the worst of times.

Well, maybe not that dramatic, but working for a psychopath has its ups and downs.

I knew after the first week I was there that it was not the place for me.  Although I have had a lifetime of experience with narcissists this guy took it to a whole new level. That coupled with the fact that I needed to be collecting a paycheck, made it that much harder to just up and leave.  I wanted and need out like never before. In everything there is a lesson…I was going to have to hold on to that for 3 whole fucking years.

This is another of those situations where one moment I had complete faith in the Universe to provide so I jumped in with both feet, then the next I freeze and become “responsible”.  Which really is just another word for scared.  Instead of walking away from a horrible situation, I tried to reason with myself that this was meant to be. There is a lesson here I need to accept.  You deserve this shit.  Anything but have faith in myself, and in the Universe.  So, I stayed, while it ate at me every day.

There were times when I would apply my fucking heart out…then peter out because it seemed like there was no hope in site.  However, I never really gave up.  After I had my fill of the insanity I dug my heels in and with the help of my friends, applied to anywhere and everywhere in hopes to find something that would get me out of that place.

At one point I was reaching out to everyone I had applied to in an effort to see if there was a chance to get an interview. Someone responded…then nothing.  A few weeks later I sent another request and got that interview scheduled.  Sort of long story short, I got the job!!! Close to home, small growing company, better pay and better hours.  I was like having my prayers answered, and I was being rewarded for either putting up with 3 years of bullshit or for my persistence.  Either way, I was on my way out, and I was going to do it my way.

People have quit this place before.  I have seen them be humiliated, shamed and abused during the process. I have listened to lie after lie about why they left, how they were the problem to begin with…after 2 years one guy was still on the shit list and the boss still took every opportunity to bring him up and talk shit.  I was NOT going to subject myself to that.

After I got the offer on the new job, I picked my quit date.  It was going to be a Saturday when I would be the only one in the office, one therapist, and NO big boss.  This was going to take almost two weeks.  I was going to go out on MY terms, without notice and with my head held high.  So, I wrote (with the help of the internet) a professional letter of resignation, explaining that for personal reasons, I would not be giving any notice, but that I knew my co-workers would be able to handle things in my absence.

Needless to say, I was nervous, and yet exhilarated by the thought that after all the abuse, the belittlement, the condensation and negativity I was finally going to be able to walk away.  On that Saturday I showed up to work and did my job as usual.  When it came time to leave, I took my name plate, office key and letter of resignation and put it on the assistant manager’s desk.  I gathered up all my personal items, said goodbye to the therapist still there and sent an update to the assistant manager, manager and big boss on the happenings of the day.  I closed with, please check your email for my letter of resignation.

BOOM!

I left.  Walked out.  Flipped off the building and made my way home.  OOOOHHHHHH….I wonder what they all must be thinking. I’m sure that it was seconds before they were checking their emails and calling each other with a WTF????

The manager tried to call, she was worried about me. I was not falling for that shit.  Then she emailed.  I said I was fine, and that due to personal reasons, this is how it had to be.  I gave no explanation.

When I got my final paycheck, I noticed that my vacation pay was not included.  Being prepared for this (because I know who the fuck I’m dealing with) I sent an email asking when I could expect it.   This is when I was told that is was a use it or lose it policy and that since I gave no notice and would not talk to them that they would not be honoring that.  HA. Bitch, please…I was ready for this exact response.

I sent a follow up email advising that I had read through the office policies, and there was no mention of not receiving unused vacation upon termination.  I also sent an excerpt and link to the Illinois dept of labor outlining that I did indeed have a right to that money.  I clicked send. The email was returned….Send again, returned again.  Apparently, my email was flagged for spam.  OOOhhhhh, they are funny, but they totally underestimate me.  So, I sent it through an alternate email, explaining that if I did not receive the vacation pay earned that I would be filing a complaint with the DOL and including this email along with the rejected effort marked as spam.

“Fine. It’s not worth arguing about.”

That was that…I got my money and was able to put that fucker and his insane business practice behind me once and for all!!!!

Woot woot.

On to a better life…for a while anyway.

 

The boys are back in town…well, it’s just me

Well well well…Look who’s back in town. It has been over a year since I have written anything and I  can tell you that it has been a whirlwind of a year.

Why did I stop writing?? That’s a good question and you would think that I had put some thought into that before I decided to open myself back up…but I haven’t.  I think that I was tired of writing about the same shit all the time, or more specifically, writing about not getting anywhere in my life.  It makes sense that at some point you should look at your life and think…what the hell am I doing???  Besides, if I was bored reading it, then anyone would be too.  So, I took some time off…a long time off, and I have come back with changes!  That’s right, finally my life has stopped riding the same boring roller coaster and I have boarded a new one.

Here’s a quick snap shot of what has happened over the last year (and then some):

I got a new job!

I quit my job for the psychopath Dr!

I sold my house and bought a much smaller more doable home!

I have a solid relationship with the Stallion!

I lost my job.

Ok.  So that sort of brings you up to date. Of course, you are probable all on pins and needles to hear the actual details of each and every one of those changes and how they came to be, and being the ever so gracious host that I am, I will oblige.  However, they are each in their own right, deserving of their own post, so they will come shortly.

Let me say I am in a really really good place. My mind is at ease, my heart is at peace and I have more focus than I have in a long time.

What hasn’t changed, I still haven’t quit smoking, I still can’t fit into those fucking jeans, and I still have problems with keeping a healthy eating and exercising.  However, I have not given up on any of them.

So that is where I’m at for now.  Hopefully there are a few people out there who will be happy to hear about my updates.  There will be more consistency in my updates…at least that’s the plan.

Let me tell you why I can’t do that…

I’ve been quiet for a few months.  To be honest, I’m still a little pissed.  I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to continue writing the way I have or change so as not to include any details of my personal life.  What I do here, is not to share information so that people can eavesdrop into my life…but to, hopefully, show someone else that they are not alone, and maybe they can see that we all struggle, and we can all change.  Anyway, I’m back, and still open to being honest here.  Let’s hope I’ve made the right decision.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with why my life isn’t moving forward.  Still the same shitty job, still smoking, still not fitting into those jeans, still not in a committed loving relationship.  I have some issues that I need to deal with.

No shit.

What I’ve come to acknowledge most recently is that I’m really good right out of the gate…filled with conviction and confidence towards my intended goal.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for me to fizzle out.

It’s not just one area of my life…it’s every area of my life.

Diet…Monday= great, Tuesday=great, Wednesday=kind of great, Thursday=oohhh chocolate, Friday=WTF, Saturday=I just want a cheeseburger, Sunday=how did I gain 4 lbs this week.

Exercise…Monday=on it, Tuesday=I’ll just take today off, Wednesday=ass kicking class was enough, Thursday=I can’t move wheres the remote, Friday=another asskicking class, Saturday=Fuck this shit, Sunday= I’m not moving off the couch, try again Monday.

Finding a new job…Week 1-4= Resumes for everyone, Week 5-10 = Resumes for only a few, Week 11-52 = How many rejection letters can one woman handle. Fuck this shit.

Smoking…I’ll start Monday = Fuck this shit, I’ll start Friday = hell no, I’ll start Sunday = you’re kidding right? just try again Monday.

We can add to it…being social, cleaning and organizing, relationships with anybody, writing, shaving my legs…and so on.  I’m sure I could come up with many many more…but for the sake of argument let’s just say that I do not stay committed to doing anything long term.  Fortunately that also includes the bad shit…but that’s not what this is about.

Now that I have had my proverbial “ah ha” moment, the next step is to move out of my familiar pattern.  How?  This means I’m actually going to have to get uncomfortable, and commit to something instead of giving in to my never ending list of excuses why I don’t really need to commit.  (insert eye rolling heavy moaning like a teenage who’s just been asked to take the garbage out).

This sucks.  For one, if I do commit to something, that means things are going to change.  What??? Wait, that means that I’m letting go of my little nasty torn smelly security blanket called the Comfort Zone. Anyone who has been openly honest with themselves knows that we all feel better in the familiar, even if we don’t like it, than with that thing that is unknown called Change…even when we know (intellectually) we will be better for it.  It is easier for us to complain about a better life, than it is for us to actually go out and create a better life.  Why would we want all of that nasty uncertainty when we can stay wrapped up in the blanket of our comfort zone.  Ew…

I listen.  Not only to myself, but to the little cues life gives me, and everything is screaming that I need to make a commitment to myself and stick to it.  Just one is all I need to start with.  Which one?  Quit smoking? No junk food? Yoga? Daily resume submissions?  Any of those one things could improve my life drastically in just a short amount of time….if I stay focused and committed to it.

As of this moment…I don’t know which one it will be.  What I do know is that once I’ve chosen, and proven to myself that I can follow through, it won’t be hard to add in another, and another….till I’m where I truly want to be or at the very least, a better place than now.

I have to stop making excuses.

I have to be my greatest supporter and champion.

I have to start somewhere.

It has to be now.