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Following your gut also known as “Are you fucking insane?”

Being able to quit a job that was dragging me down gave me the energy and faith to see my life finally going in a positive direction.  It was time to grab on to that energy and make the changes that I had been holding back for so long.  So, after a few months settled in to a job where I was appreciated and valued, I decided to tackle another big personal move.  I was finally going to sell my house.

That house was never a place I truly felt at home.  This was a house that was forced on to me by my then husband despite my never-ending rejection.  He had it in his head and there was no changing his mind.  So, we bought the house and did our updates while day after day I cried.  Finally, I decided that if this is where I was, I was going to accept it and do my best to make it mine.  It was only 3 years in that I found myself divorced and tackling this shit on my own.  As usual, I flopped back and forth for years trying to accept and be at peace with it, and feeling the need to kiss it goodbye.  I allowed other people’s opinions sway my decision to stay for way to long…then one day I decided enough was enough and I was going to let go of that goddamn house once and for all.

Once I made up my mind, I moved like a ninja.  I got an agent who was referred to me by a good friend.  She had an awesome marketing plan and since the market was only just starting to crawl back up, I decided to pay her way more than I would have ever paid a real estate agent, in hopes that this would be a done deal by summer. It was August and my plan was to have it on the market by spring.  She said, why wait?  So instead of giving myself 6 months to prepare I took on the challenge of getting it ready in just 60 days.  I must be crazy, right?  I knew there was a LOT to do to get this shit together before opening it up, but…I said yes, and so it began.

The first thing on my awesome agents marketing plan was to have a professional stager come in and make recommendations. I, being the fierce bitch I am, already had a shit ton of things on the list that I personally felt needed to be done.  She agreed with my entire list, and only had a few more suggestions.  It was time to get working, there was no time to waste….so every spare moment I had for the next 8 weeks was spent getting that house ready to release.  The week after I made the decision, a neighbor two houses down put their house on the market.  Fuck.  Their house was sooooo much nicer than mine and I knew that although my house had a lot of new upgrades, their house needed a lot less work…at least in my mind. How in the hell was I going to compete with that? I mean there house looked like it was dropped right out of a 1970’s house beautiful magazine spread. Ugh…well, I’m not backing out now so I put my faith in my decision and went ahead with it.

There was a lot of emotion in every bit of it.  I was bitter about my situation and I knew that I had to let that go.  Everyday during lunch, after work, weekends….late into the night I tackled that fucking list.  So many of the projects I knew I should have done years before, for myself, but because sometimes I’m really stubborn, I put them off because, well, fuck this house.  I packed, cleaned, painted, repaired, replaced, packed, cleaned, painted, repaired and replaced my little heart out.  Clearing out shit that belonged to my ex in-laws because they didn’t want to deal with it, pissed me off.  Clearing out shit that my ex-husband left because he didn’t want to deal with it, pissed me off.  I took car loads of crap to Goodwill, tossed out things that were older than my kids, had two garage sales and filled the garbage bins to capacity on a weekly basis.

Although I did not get everything on the list completed, I did a damn fine job and finally it was time.  The second step in the marketing plan was to have a professional photographer come in.  I cleaned that mother fucker like my life depended on it and staged each room with simplicity and style.  The pictures turned out beautiful and there was a twinge of what I thought was regret in my belly.  Was I doing the right thing?  Was I being emotional instead of practical?  What the fuck??? You could have done all this shit for yourself and been at peace with your situation, right???  AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

On November 1st  the house went live.  I was even more nervous because the house down the street was still for sale and they had dropped their price twice already.  Fuck…fuck fuck fuck fuck.  Ok, this is what it is and let’s let it roll. At least I’ll have some time to relax and enjoy my work for a while, right?

Nope.

I had my first request for a showing within hours of it going live.  Here we go, I told myself, time to open yourself up for a shit ton of disappointment and criticism.  I mean everyone is going to point out what a shit hole that house is and how it nowhere near worth your asking price. You are going to lose lady…and it’s going to hurt a lot. Thankfully, I could not have been more wrong.  Within less than 48 hours of listing that house I had full asking price and a request to close in 6 weeks.  OMG OMG OMG OMG….this shit is fucking real!!!! After 10 years of being in a house I never wanted to be in I’m finally going to get to walk away…finally going to be able to start my own life.  There was no time for rest….now it was full speed ahead to clear out and find something of my own.

Step one: get away from the crazy psycho boss.

Check.

Step two: let go of that house.

Check.

And then it was done

It was the best of times…it was the worst of times.

Well, maybe not that dramatic, but working for a psychopath has its ups and downs.

I knew after the first week I was there that it was not the place for me.  Although I have had a lifetime of experience with narcissists this guy took it to a whole new level. That coupled with the fact that I needed to be collecting a paycheck, made it that much harder to just up and leave.  I wanted and need out like never before. In everything there is a lesson…I was going to have to hold on to that for 3 whole fucking years.

This is another of those situations where one moment I had complete faith in the Universe to provide so I jumped in with both feet, then the next I freeze and become “responsible”.  Which really is just another word for scared.  Instead of walking away from a horrible situation, I tried to reason with myself that this was meant to be. There is a lesson here I need to accept.  You deserve this shit.  Anything but have faith in myself, and in the Universe.  So, I stayed, while it ate at me every day.

There were times when I would apply my fucking heart out…then peter out because it seemed like there was no hope in site.  However, I never really gave up.  After I had my fill of the insanity I dug my heels in and with the help of my friends, applied to anywhere and everywhere in hopes to find something that would get me out of that place.

At one point I was reaching out to everyone I had applied to in an effort to see if there was a chance to get an interview. Someone responded…then nothing.  A few weeks later I sent another request and got that interview scheduled.  Sort of long story short, I got the job!!! Close to home, small growing company, better pay and better hours.  I was like having my prayers answered, and I was being rewarded for either putting up with 3 years of bullshit or for my persistence.  Either way, I was on my way out, and I was going to do it my way.

People have quit this place before.  I have seen them be humiliated, shamed and abused during the process. I have listened to lie after lie about why they left, how they were the problem to begin with…after 2 years one guy was still on the shit list and the boss still took every opportunity to bring him up and talk shit.  I was NOT going to subject myself to that.

After I got the offer on the new job, I picked my quit date.  It was going to be a Saturday when I would be the only one in the office, one therapist, and NO big boss.  This was going to take almost two weeks.  I was going to go out on MY terms, without notice and with my head held high.  So, I wrote (with the help of the internet) a professional letter of resignation, explaining that for personal reasons, I would not be giving any notice, but that I knew my co-workers would be able to handle things in my absence.

Needless to say, I was nervous, and yet exhilarated by the thought that after all the abuse, the belittlement, the condensation and negativity I was finally going to be able to walk away.  On that Saturday I showed up to work and did my job as usual.  When it came time to leave, I took my name plate, office key and letter of resignation and put it on the assistant manager’s desk.  I gathered up all my personal items, said goodbye to the therapist still there and sent an update to the assistant manager, manager and big boss on the happenings of the day.  I closed with, please check your email for my letter of resignation.

BOOM!

I left.  Walked out.  Flipped off the building and made my way home.  OOOOHHHHHH….I wonder what they all must be thinking. I’m sure that it was seconds before they were checking their emails and calling each other with a WTF????

The manager tried to call, she was worried about me. I was not falling for that shit.  Then she emailed.  I said I was fine, and that due to personal reasons, this is how it had to be.  I gave no explanation.

When I got my final paycheck, I noticed that my vacation pay was not included.  Being prepared for this (because I know who the fuck I’m dealing with) I sent an email asking when I could expect it.   This is when I was told that is was a use it or lose it policy and that since I gave no notice and would not talk to them that they would not be honoring that.  HA. Bitch, please…I was ready for this exact response.

I sent a follow up email advising that I had read through the office policies, and there was no mention of not receiving unused vacation upon termination.  I also sent an excerpt and link to the Illinois dept of labor outlining that I did indeed have a right to that money.  I clicked send. The email was returned….Send again, returned again.  Apparently, my email was flagged for spam.  OOOhhhhh, they are funny, but they totally underestimate me.  So, I sent it through an alternate email, explaining that if I did not receive the vacation pay earned that I would be filing a complaint with the DOL and including this email along with the rejected effort marked as spam.

“Fine. It’s not worth arguing about.”

That was that…I got my money and was able to put that fucker and his insane business practice behind me once and for all!!!!

Woot woot.

On to a better life…for a while anyway.

 

The boys are back in town…well, it’s just me

Well well well…Look who’s back in town. It has been over a year since I have written anything and I  can tell you that it has been a whirlwind of a year.

Why did I stop writing?? That’s a good question and you would think that I had put some thought into that before I decided to open myself back up…but I haven’t.  I think that I was tired of writing about the same shit all the time, or more specifically, writing about not getting anywhere in my life.  It makes sense that at some point you should look at your life and think…what the hell am I doing???  Besides, if I was bored reading it, then anyone would be too.  So, I took some time off…a long time off, and I have come back with changes!  That’s right, finally my life has stopped riding the same boring roller coaster and I have boarded a new one.

Here’s a quick snap shot of what has happened over the last year (and then some):

I got a new job!

I quit my job for the psychopath Dr!

I sold my house and bought a much smaller more doable home!

I have a solid relationship with the Stallion!

I lost my job.

Ok.  So that sort of brings you up to date. Of course, you are probable all on pins and needles to hear the actual details of each and every one of those changes and how they came to be, and being the ever so gracious host that I am, I will oblige.  However, they are each in their own right, deserving of their own post, so they will come shortly.

Let me say I am in a really really good place. My mind is at ease, my heart is at peace and I have more focus than I have in a long time.

What hasn’t changed, I still haven’t quit smoking, I still can’t fit into those fucking jeans, and I still have problems with keeping a healthy eating and exercising.  However, I have not given up on any of them.

So that is where I’m at for now.  Hopefully there are a few people out there who will be happy to hear about my updates.  There will be more consistency in my updates…at least that’s the plan.

Let me tell you why I can’t do that…

I’ve been quiet for a few months.  To be honest, I’m still a little pissed.  I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to continue writing the way I have or change so as not to include any details of my personal life.  What I do here, is not to share information so that people can eavesdrop into my life…but to, hopefully, show someone else that they are not alone, and maybe they can see that we all struggle, and we can all change.  Anyway, I’m back, and still open to being honest here.  Let’s hope I’ve made the right decision.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with why my life isn’t moving forward.  Still the same shitty job, still smoking, still not fitting into those jeans, still not in a committed loving relationship.  I have some issues that I need to deal with.

No shit.

What I’ve come to acknowledge most recently is that I’m really good right out of the gate…filled with conviction and confidence towards my intended goal.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for me to fizzle out.

It’s not just one area of my life…it’s every area of my life.

Diet…Monday= great, Tuesday=great, Wednesday=kind of great, Thursday=oohhh chocolate, Friday=WTF, Saturday=I just want a cheeseburger, Sunday=how did I gain 4 lbs this week.

Exercise…Monday=on it, Tuesday=I’ll just take today off, Wednesday=ass kicking class was enough, Thursday=I can’t move wheres the remote, Friday=another asskicking class, Saturday=Fuck this shit, Sunday= I’m not moving off the couch, try again Monday.

Finding a new job…Week 1-4= Resumes for everyone, Week 5-10 = Resumes for only a few, Week 11-52 = How many rejection letters can one woman handle. Fuck this shit.

Smoking…I’ll start Monday = Fuck this shit, I’ll start Friday = hell no, I’ll start Sunday = you’re kidding right? just try again Monday.

We can add to it…being social, cleaning and organizing, relationships with anybody, writing, shaving my legs…and so on.  I’m sure I could come up with many many more…but for the sake of argument let’s just say that I do not stay committed to doing anything long term.  Fortunately that also includes the bad shit…but that’s not what this is about.

Now that I have had my proverbial “ah ha” moment, the next step is to move out of my familiar pattern.  How?  This means I’m actually going to have to get uncomfortable, and commit to something instead of giving in to my never ending list of excuses why I don’t really need to commit.  (insert eye rolling heavy moaning like a teenage who’s just been asked to take the garbage out).

This sucks.  For one, if I do commit to something, that means things are going to change.  What??? Wait, that means that I’m letting go of my little nasty torn smelly security blanket called the Comfort Zone. Anyone who has been openly honest with themselves knows that we all feel better in the familiar, even if we don’t like it, than with that thing that is unknown called Change…even when we know (intellectually) we will be better for it.  It is easier for us to complain about a better life, than it is for us to actually go out and create a better life.  Why would we want all of that nasty uncertainty when we can stay wrapped up in the blanket of our comfort zone.  Ew…

I listen.  Not only to myself, but to the little cues life gives me, and everything is screaming that I need to make a commitment to myself and stick to it.  Just one is all I need to start with.  Which one?  Quit smoking? No junk food? Yoga? Daily resume submissions?  Any of those one things could improve my life drastically in just a short amount of time….if I stay focused and committed to it.

As of this moment…I don’t know which one it will be.  What I do know is that once I’ve chosen, and proven to myself that I can follow through, it won’t be hard to add in another, and another….till I’m where I truly want to be or at the very least, a better place than now.

I have to stop making excuses.

I have to be my greatest supporter and champion.

I have to start somewhere.

It has to be now.

I lost my way

I’ve never been one to succum to worry.  Sure, I’ve dipped my toes in, but very quickly pull back out.  Lately, it seems, I’ve done a cannon ball right into the deep end of worry and doubt.

Fortunately I’ve dragged my sorry ass out of the pool, all I have to do now is dry myself off, and get back on track.

I don’t know why or how exactly I found myself over my head in all of this shit.  The only thing I can think of is that I’m used to being surrounded by naysayers, and I’ve been the one to keep a level head with a positive attitude.  Now, it’s all me.  So, naturally, I’m playing all the damn parts.  No one here to be a downer on life, so I must be the downer. Bullshit for sure. Maybe it’s a natural progression once you find yourself eliminating all the negativity you’ve been surrounded by all your life.  Maybe I’m just not sure how to be the positive force…when the only real force around is me.  I don’t know…but I’m ready to get back to being more of me, and less of “them”.

Anyway, as I dry off all the worry and doubt about where my life is going, I’m refocusing on the plan.  Just deal with what’s in front of me now.  Revisit the list of projects that need to be completed, the things that are completely within my control.  One step at a time.  Moving in the right direction with complete faith that no matter what, I’m going to be ok.

I think perhaps its time to allow myself to dream.  Open myself up to some real fun fantasies…Dream.  Dream big. Maybe I need to do something completely outrageous.

Who knows.  For right this moment, I’m glad I’m out of this incessant worry and moving on.

Shut up inner voice…you’re drunk, and we all know drunk=truth.

The last few weeks have been some what of a blur.  I’m reeling and I don’t see an end to it any time soon.

Last weekend, my son turned 18! OMG!  I’m not really sure how that happened…I mean really, didn’t I just bring this beautiful baby boy home from the hospital?  Wasn’t it just last week he was crawling around on the floor? Couldn’t have been that long ago he was learning to walk, cuddling with me on the couch reading books and watching Blue’s Clues.  How on earth did he turn 18??

So I did what every parent does in these situations…I pulled out his baby books.  Damn he was a cute chubby ball of sweetness.  Did I take full advantage of all those years?  They seem like such a blur, and yet in an instant I can still remember what it felt like to hold that baby in my arms, nursing him, enjoying those sweet moments making him laugh and cuddling.  Now he’s a man.  There is a part of me that would like a do-over.  Give me those years back.  Give me another chance to appreciate even more how lucky I was.  I’m sure I could have done a better job….loving him and appreciating the time.

I can’t get that time back, so I must move forward.  Which means getting him ready to go to college.  Sometimes when I stop and really think about that I want to just pass out.  WTF?  Not only do I have to come to the realization that my baby isn’t a baby, but now I have to send him away to college???  I’m not ready.  Not that I have a choice, but could time please please just slow down a little? Pretty please?

If that wasn’t enough to make a mother lose her shit completely…I have the other child who is currently taking drivers ed.  I’m pretty sure I should have a standing appointment with my colorist cause all this shit is making me feel like my grey hairs are multiplying faster. She’s so excited about this phase of her life and I am terrified as well as excited for her.  How on earth did she go from climbing out of her crib (forever the escape artist) to learning to drive.  I must have blinked too long cause this can’t really be happening…can it.

What I have come to learn, and am trying to accept, is that as a parent raising children, my time is short.  One already on his way out…the other quickly behind.  In just three years, I will no longer be raising children.  I will have done all that I can and sent them off into the world.  This isn’t fair.  Honestly I’m not ready.  Isn’t anyone listening???

I’m working on accepting.

You would think that all that would be enough to keep my mind occupied and off other topics.  It’s not.

The other thing I have to start accepting is that I’m not as positive as I think I am.  Yes, I’m the person who can take any situation and find the brighter side.  I’ve learned that not getting something means either something better is on the way or I just need to refocus my appreciation on to what I already have.   No matter how positive I am on the outside, no matter how much I tell myself things are good and things will get better.  It’s the little voice that comes from deep within that reveals that I am stuck in a negative state.

Example. When I moved into my current home, I knew it was going to be a stepping stone to a better life.  I wasn’t going to be stuck here it was just a place of transition.  Over the last few months I’ve started to accept that in just a few years I will be able to walk away from here and go on my own path.  With that came a sense of peace.  I started cleaning out the clutter of my old life so to be ready to step out when the time comes.  For the most part, I’m excited at this prospect.  For the first time in my life, where I live will be MY choice.  It’s exciting…but.

When there is a quiet moment resentment creeps in.  I’m going to lose money of this house.  I don’t want to invest any more into it.  I’m never going to get out of it what I should. There is no way I’m going to be able to sell this house for what I bought it for let alone the $80K plus that’s been put into it.  It’s HIS fault.  I never wanted this house in the first place. Why the hell did I have to get stuck with this shit hole money pit??? It’s not fair.

Yeah…that resentment.  That pity…that’s my truth.  I can sugar coat and tell myself all the positive things I want, but that negative mindset is driven deep.  That is what is going to have to change.  Not the frilly outside, but the cold hard core.

Then there’s the employment situation.  I keep on telling myself that the Universe has a plan.  Every week I apply and apply to jobs all over the place.  Every day I go to work, knowing that my time there is coming to an end and that I will soon be moving on.  Then, I’ll have a moment where the negative voices sneak in.  You aren’t qualified for anything better.  You’ll never find anything that will really support you.  You are always going to be working for assholes and never get out of the gutter.

OH COME ON!!!!  Really??? For fuck’s sake, I’ve dug my way out of more shit than I should have.  Pulled myself up and out over and over and after all that…the deep truth is I still don’t believe I’m good enough??? Arrrggghhhh.

Love. One day, you will find that beautiful love that you’ve always dreamed of.  Get yourself into a good place and have faith…it’s coming.  Ha! Relax for a moment and here comes that voice of doubt.  You are a fool. True love is not in the cards for you sweetheart…You are a silly little girl with dreams of a happily ever after that just isn’t going to happen.

After finally and painfully coming to the conclusion that anything worthwhile with the hunky stallion was never going to happen…he stepped up.  I wasn’t putting too much faith in it, but he’s been making an effort.  After months back online with a new attitude, and fielding all the same bullshit offers, I decided to shut them all down again.  I’m not saying that is because I think the H.S. are going to be The One, but if all I’m attracting to myself are guys offering nothing more than to physical pleasure, and the one’s that would seem to be relationship material don’t pan out, why not just accept what I have at the moment and let go of the rest.  It’s been more disappointment than anything else.

I know, I have a lot to be grateful for.  I also know, things could be a lot worse.  Things will get better.  What I have to do is believe all of that to my core…my deepest subconscious.  It’s not enough to say the right thing or pretend that I’m ok…I have to start doing the real work.  I have to change the internal voice because that is what is holding me back.  At this moment, I’m not sure how to do that.  There has to be a way to get down there where the core belief is and shift it to what is on the surface.

Truth is, in this moment, I’m having a hard time believing that I can do that.  However, I know that if I don’t, I’ll be keeping myself stuck forever.  It’s like decorating a house with a foundation that’s crumbling.  If I don’t fix the inner truth, the foundation for my being, all I’ll be doing is setting myself for more heartbreak and failure.   Having a positive attitude is not the same as having a positive belief.

Meditation seems to be a recurring message lately.  Time to listen to the messages the Universe is sending me and stop pretending like I don’t hear them.  If I want change, then I have to stop doing what I’ve been doing.  I have to stop just getting by on faith alone and start doing the hard work to make a difference.  No amount of surface work is going to make a difference if what’s really underneath is giant messy ball of bullshit.

How that’s going to manifest it’self is unclear, but I’m tired of those negative voices in my head.  It’s time to dig in and get my hands dirty.  Nothing is going to change unless you do.

Keeping the faith

I’ll admit it…it’s getting tough.  I’ve been putting a lot of feelers out there, both professionally and emotionally.  What I’ve gotten as a result of all my efforts is a whole lot of nothing.

It’s getting harder to have the faith I once had.  Don’t give up.  Don’t lose hope.

There are about a dozen things going on all at once.  Big things.  I’m surprised I haven’t broken yet.  Still, I feel myself cracking just a little.

I’ve made so many big decisions in my life based solely on faith.  Deep down I know, KNOW things are going to be just fine.  I’m going to be fine.  Everything fucking thing is going to be just fine.  Still…I’m cracking.

Things are moving…life is showing up in small ways.  These are the things I need to hold on to, to focus on, to believe in.  Small things.  Still, I’m about one spilled glass of milk away from completely losing my shit.

I broke down the other day.  Cried in front of my daughter.  For some reason I needed her to see that I’m strong, but I’m human too.  I’ve been trying to be strong for way to long and I hit a wall.  She’s awesome by the way.  Another example where the Universe shows me a glimpse of what is right with my world.

The reminders lately have been about appreciating the little things.  I do.  For the most part, appreciate the little things.  I’ve always been the kind of person who leans more toward gratitude for the good things, even the vague meaningless things, then to sit and curse the world for the things I don’t have.  However, it seems that I am needing this reminder.  I want something big right now.  New job.  More cash flow.  More love and romance.  Smaller waistline.  What I’ve being reminded is that there are a few mental road blocks I need to get over…to get to the big stuff.

The job.  I’ve got a job and I am able to pay my bills, feed my kids, and enjoy a night out now and again.

The cash flow.  It’s still coming in.  It’s getting the job done.  I do not want for anything.

The love and romance.  This one is a little tricky.  I’m finding that I am loved…but the right people in the right way.  My children, and my friends.  Family…well, they love me in the best way they know how.  Romance…hmmm.  It’s there, in tiny little moments.  The invites for lunch.  The “I’d like to see you” message.  The offer to join in something outside his comfort zone, that is still months away.  It’s nothing earth shattering or even close to what I’ve been hoping for…but still, it’s there.

The smaller waistline.  Ugh.  My trainer reminded me to remember how far I’ve come.  Yes, I’m stronger, slimmer than I was a year ago.  She reminded me to not focus so much on whether or not I can fit in my jeans right now, but that I keep getting moving forward and make better choices every day.  Also, it may be time to make a few adjustments…which have already been put into practice.

Focus on those little things.  Stay in tune with all the things that are right in my life.  Remember to nurture the tiny seed….that will one day become the mighty oak.

Keeping the faith…one blessed little moment at a time.