Tag Archives: acceptance

Lessons I clearly haven’t learned yet

It’s been clear to me and probably anyone who has read this blog that I have adhered to the “maybe this time will be different” rule in my relationships.
I’ve done it with my mother.
I’ve done it with my ex husband.
Clearly I’ve done it with the hunky stallion.

What I’ve come to realize is that it isn’t just with relationships that I hold steadfast to this rule. There are at least a few other areas where this has come to light. Let me explain.

Online dating: For the last 5 years I have gone on and off online dating. When I go on, I have good intentions and hopes for some type of real connection. I get frustrated after weeks or months of the same lame offers. Either I’m attracting creepy guys, overweight horny guys, young horny guys, good looking horny guys or older men who send me the strangest emails….I’ve connected with a very few decent guys, but there has not yet been any real connection. So I quit. Then I get lonely, tired of not ever meeting anyone anywhere and go back online again. Of course I change up my profile a bit, add different pictures, try to express that I’m really interested in a long term committed relationship. After getting the same type of responses I delete my account and the circle continues.

Summation: Online dating is not for me.

Diet: This year I decided to take a hold of my eating habits. After a year of working out and getting my body in better shape, I find myself frustrated with still having a jiggly belly. Trainers tell me that I need to work on my diet. I bought a book with some really healthy and easy recipes, all clean eating balanced meals. The result after just a few days I am bloated and unable to poop (keeping it real people). I talk it over with my trainers and they are perplexed and I’m recommended to either keep going with the hopes that eventually things will work themselves out or add in Probiotics. After 5 days of not getting any relief and the pain of it overwhelming, I toss in the towel and order a pizza. Everything is back on track. A few months later I decide to try again, maybe my body was just in shock. This time I’ll add the right dietary aids and some additional “tricks” I’ve researched. Same results. Bloat, constipation, pain, pizza…relief. Just this last week I thought I’d give it another try…Fuck, after 4 days its a bacon cheeseburger to the rescue.

Summation: Clean eating does not work for me.

Online shopping: I love a good deal. I hate shopping in general. So when I see a great deal online I want to jump on it like the 10 tank tops for $20. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I am no longer a size Large or X-Large…so I ordered adult medium. I couldn’t believe how small, really tiny they were, not a big investment so I gave them to my daughter. Next were a set of yoga pants, size medium…I couldn’t get over the camel toe they created, so I gave them to my daughter. Next was the oh so cute black and white sweater that was only $12. Turns out it was being shipped from China. Ugh…it’s a little snug in the armpits but I can work with that, so that’s a partial win. Recently I decided to order a couple of cold weather items. 6 tops, one to be a gift for the girl, the rest just for me. I ordered all my tops in large or X-large cause I think I’m finally getting that online and real life are very very different. I get 1/2 the order, one is too short in the arms and the other one looks more like and child large than an adult large. My daughter once again benefits. I desperately tried to go online and see if I could get the remaining order in the X-large only to be told they have already shipped. Keeping my fingers crossed but admit that my daughter may be the beneficiary of a couple of more tops. Dammit.

Summation: Don’t buy cheap shit online or at the very very least check the size chart and see what size you are online and not in your imagination.

There is much work to be done with me for sure. Forever a work in progress….

What a beautiful world this can be

May is almost over…and so is (almost) all the shit that has been driving me crazy lately.  My son graduated high school last weekend.  Seriously, I still look at him and remember when he graduated preschool.  Oh my has he grown.  What was most beautiful about his graduation was his joy.  He had a smile that just lights me up…I want to see more of that.

His graduation party was a success….again, too see a young man who was happy and smiling.  I couldn’t ask for more.  However, I was grateful to have a house full of wonderful people.  Former coworkers, new coworker, old friends, new friends, family I haven’t seen in way to long.  The day was beautiful, and the house was filled with laughter and joy.  There is a long standing joke with my friends about how the weather always goes south when I plan out-door events.  Not this time.  I’m going to say that my shift in attitude may have played a huge role in that…for had I stayed in the darkness, the rain would undoubtedly come.

A few weeks ago I was reminded that I needed (desperately) to let go of doubt and worry.  So I did.  What happened was that the little twitch in my eye went away, and good things started falling into place.  Things were finally aligning in a good way….because I was able to embrace the good and let go of the bad thoughts.  What you think about, you bring about.  I was tired of waking up every morning filled with doubt and gloom.  That is a choice, just like choosing to wake up with a grateful heart.

It isn’t as though the next few months are not going to come with challenges.  In just a few short weeks we will be on the fast track to  getting my son ready to go away to college.  There is no way for me to truly express how excited I am for him…and how hard it is for me to grasp this new phase of his life, and mine.  No matter what, I will bring to this coming “adventure” (my son tells me I use that word incorrectly too much, ha!) with a positive and grateful attitude.  He has opportunities ahead of him I wish I had taken advantage of when I was 18, but then if I had, he may not have been one of my greatest blessings.  I’m not sure how I’m going to handle not being able to see his face everyday.  Knowing that he’s not just behind his bedroom door…annoyed at me for popping in.  I am blessed, elated and trying to manage the little bit of fear and loss that will surly stir once he is gone.

Even though I attribute May to having been a busy and highly emotional month for me….there is still a lot of work to be done over these next few months.  Time to buckle down and get my ass back in alignment with my plans.   I gave myself a break in order to deal with the self inflicted emotional rollercoaster I was on, and now it’s time to get back to the real work.  Cleaning up and clearing out.  That includes fear, doubt, worry as well as physical clutter.  It also means focusing more on moving to a better place for work and relationships.

The challenges are not over…and it is a blessing that they never will be.  What is over is allowing negative emotions and thoughts to overshadow those challenges.  I’m moving forward with a renewed sense of purpose and gratitude….and that is how I will face each new challenge.  Even if that challenge is simply to NOT give in to the pesky dark voices that whisper in my ear “You’re not going to make it.”

Yes I am, asshole.  Yes I am.

Don’t Stop Believing…Hold on to that fe-e-eling

Gratitude! Finally…Things are starting to look a little better. Honestly, what is really happening is that I am looking at things a little better.

I am a firm believer that you get what you expect from life, even if you don’t want to think you do.  When you walk around bemoaning life and circumstances, you get more things to keep you down.  If  you are willing  to look at life in an optimistic way, truly be optimistic to your core, see the good that is around you, you will have more good things to see.  Even if it’s as simple as being grateful for matching socks.

It’s not that I had forgotten that. I did allow myself to succumb to the less that pleasant moments and circumstances.  Yesterday I came across two videos that reminded me that I have more control over my life than I’m sometimes willing to admit.  I cannot control the asshole who thinks only of himself and is unable to appreciate what I am doing.  I do not have any control over anything or anyone outside of me.  What I do have control of is what is inside of me and how I feel about those things outside of me.  As much as I would love for there to be peace, love and compassion with everyone is my life…I can only create those things within myself.  I can show them peace, love and compassion and not expect to receive it in return.

Since I’ve loosened up my grip on all the unpleasant shit that’s been going on, things have started to show up to reaffirm my better attitude.  Little things, but each and every one of them has been acknowledged and accepted with a full and grateful heart.  This is how I keep that ball rolling.  Gratitude, for even the little things.  Case in point, thinking the item I was returning was the $9.95 item when in fact it was the $34.95 one (yes I should know what each item was, but whatever)!  Having warm weather and no rain on my son’s graduation…and allowing me to wear the kick ass dress I bought.  Finding just the right outfit for the boy, and him finding the dress shoes he already had.

These are not life altering events…or at least not on the surface.  Feeling grateful for each of these little things helps to align yourself with more things to be grateful for.  Which in turn, can most definitely be life altering.  This lesson has been shown to me over and over and over again, I’ve mentioned it before…and I know it is truth.  So much so, that those videos I watched reaffirm these truths, because when you ask to be shown, it will be shown to you.  Your truth…not what you hope to be true.  That’s a point too many of us fail to accept.

There is an underlying deep belief in me that everything will work out.  When I hold on to that, redirect myself to that truth when I’m feeling overwhelmed, the Universe delivers.  I know there are a lot of people out there that do not believe this, and I’m sure I can’t convince a lot of them with just my words…but that’s ok, my life and the “luck” some people think I have, is tied directly to this truth.

So, next time I’m lying awake feeling overwhelmed and broken…I will bring myself back to gratitude for all the little things that are right.  I will embrace it with every fiber of my being.  This, and this alone, will pull me out of the darkness and back on the path to the life I am blessed to have.

 

 

Managing myself…and all my stupid baggage.

I’m still regrouping from my recent polar plunge into the icy cold pool of doubt and worry.  Still sitting on the edge of the pool with a towel wrapped tightly around me dangling my feet in.  Deep inside of me is a very strong, capable women screaming at me to get the fuck up, change into something dry and move the fuck on.  I’m humming so I can pretend like I don’t hear her.  Truth is, I’m waiting…waiting for another reason to throw myself back in, and it seems easier to stay in my cold wet clothes, then get dressed and proclaim “nice try mother-fuckers!”.

So, how are you doing?  Haha…I’m about one spilled glass of milk away from completely losing my shit.  How are you?

All my life I’ve been able to put on a happy face, pretend like things are going good, and eventually find myself in a better place.  People have told me how strong I am…but I’m really just faking it.  Doesn’t seem to make much sense wallowing in all the pain and discomfort of my current situation, when I can fake a little strength, until I actually have some. If you see me…please don’t ask me how I’m doing.  There is something in that particular phrase that seems to make my entire foundation crumble.  Twice, when asked, I nearly started crying.  Maybe that’s what I need to do…release a little pent up emotion. I’m really not going to do it in front of some unsuspecting soul or in a public place.  When I’m in the right place to let go…nothing happens.  Shit.

Lessons and opportunities.

There has been a lot of discussions in my home lately about learning lessons.  I’ve tried to express how little we learn when everything is going right.  Most often, we learn the most when everything is completely fucked up.  You’ll never really know how capable you are, till you have to dig your way out of a situation you didn’t really want to be in to start with.  My son is about to go to college…he’s lived a rather cushy life up till now.  I’m excited for him to learn and grow as a person, not just a student.  He’s not nearly as excited though…perhaps, someday he will appreciate being thrown into life, somewhat ill-equipped but with me there to have his back.  I will remain hopeful.

Give me a break.

I really really really just want to go get a mani/pedi…and a massage.  There is this practical snotty little bitch who thinks that I  should get the dirty work I need to do done first…so I don’t just mess up my nails.  She’s kind of right…but fuck her.  Ugh…just one more week,maybe two…so push through and you’ll be glad you did.  Dammit dammit dammit.  Ok.

Stop being a stubborn asshole…ask for help when you need it, take it when it’s offered.

I think I can be a wee bit stubborn sometimes.  Haha…that is really an understatement.  The trouble I have with asking for help, is that too often people just don’t help. People don’t seem to have the time, or willingness to help me out when I ask. This is nothing new, this has been a long cycle for me, so I’ve learned to not ask.  I’ll figure it out on my own, don’t worry about it.  Accepting help…well that one hurts.  This is my mess, I’ll clean it up.  I don’t need anyone swooping in to rescue me…I got this.  Except, that I don’t always, and I find it hard to admit.

Give yourself some credit.

For the love of all that his sacred in this world woman give yourself a little more credit.  All the shit that is going on right now is completely and totally manageable.  You are a force.  You are capable of getting through this if only you will just cut yourself some slack. No one said you had to do it all by yourself, and no one said you had to do it perfectly. You do that to yourself and now it’s time to knock it the fuck off.  Stop being like all those crazy fuckers who cry when the world doesn’t go according to plan.  You know life doesn’t go as planned and you know that you are happier when you stop for a moment and see everything that is right in the world.  Your world is right in so many ways because of your unwillingness to let the shit drag you under and keep you there.  You don’t need a champion, you are a champion!  No one needs to give you a pat on the back and tell you that you are doing ok…you know you are, and you can pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high five and get on doing what you are capable of doing.

Ok ok…I’m slowly and painfully pulling myself out of this shit.  One more step forward…I think I’ll go put some dry clothes on now.

Ooops I did it again.

Recently I decided to get a lawyer to work out some financial stuff with my ex husband.  The letter was drafted to advise him that he has not been holding up his legal obligations to me.  It was also to address how he was going to assist in helping pay for our son’s upcoming college expenses.  The letter laid out how much he owed, how much I was willing to waive, and what I was requesting in regards to college.   It went on to say that we could easily keep things out of court and come to a mutual conclusion.

He responded by getting a lawyer.

That’s where I should have just left it, let the lawyers hash it out.  I didn’t. Since I know him very well,  I knew what he read and how he interpreted it.  I reached out and tired to explain myself and why I did what I did and how it would, in the end, be mutually beneficial and fair for all of us. My efforts were to ease his pain and see things clearly.  He did not respond.

I was telling my step dad about it.  “What are you doing?  You are taking on the anguish for both of you.”

That will be the last time I reach out to my ex on the matter, I said.  When I thought about what he had said, I realized how right he was.  I was doing what I’ve always done when it comes to him.  I try to come in and explain, make him see the whole picture, try to justify myself, do what I can to make HIM feel better.  That has rarely ever worked out in my favor.

I was justified in doing what I did.  There is no doubt. Has he done things for the kids…certainly.  There’s no argument there.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean he can just do what he thinks is fair, and not what is right.

The real question is why did I feel the need to explain myself?  Why do I care how he feels?  What does it matter to me if he wants to pay a lawyer to do what the lawyer I paid would have done for him?  Why, after all this time, do I still feel like I have to explain myself to someone who has never bothered to try to understand me?  Obviously it’s cause I still have self deprecating habits that need to be broken.

During my therapy appointment I talked about what I had done.  He asked “If I had met you in the parking lot after seeing the lawyer, and asked you how you thought he would respond to the letter, what would you have said?”  The answer, he would have cried victim.  So…why are you surprised by his response?  That’s a good question…and one I’ve been asking myself for years.  Simply put, I always hold on to the hope these people in my life will suddenly become different.  I am reminded time and time again…they are not, and will not be different.

About 1/2 way through our appointment he stopped me.  “Do you have some kind of belief, that if you behave like the strong confident woman you know yourself to be, that no one will love you?”  As much as this question felt like it came out of left field, it was as direct and to the point as one could get.  The answer, yes.

I’m in a vulnerable place right now.  Completely by my own doing.  It’s time to get back to focusing on how good things are, how far I’ve come and how well I really am doing.  That’s not been the case lately….I’ve been focusing way to much on what I don’t have and I feel like I’m being reminded over and over that there is less good than not.  When I take a moment to clear the garbage out of my head, I can see so much good in my life.

Too much time has been spent lately in an attitude of lack.  Time to turn that shit around.

 

Shut up inner voice…you’re drunk, and we all know drunk=truth.

The last few weeks have been some what of a blur.  I’m reeling and I don’t see an end to it any time soon.

Last weekend, my son turned 18! OMG!  I’m not really sure how that happened…I mean really, didn’t I just bring this beautiful baby boy home from the hospital?  Wasn’t it just last week he was crawling around on the floor? Couldn’t have been that long ago he was learning to walk, cuddling with me on the couch reading books and watching Blue’s Clues.  How on earth did he turn 18??

So I did what every parent does in these situations…I pulled out his baby books.  Damn he was a cute chubby ball of sweetness.  Did I take full advantage of all those years?  They seem like such a blur, and yet in an instant I can still remember what it felt like to hold that baby in my arms, nursing him, enjoying those sweet moments making him laugh and cuddling.  Now he’s a man.  There is a part of me that would like a do-over.  Give me those years back.  Give me another chance to appreciate even more how lucky I was.  I’m sure I could have done a better job….loving him and appreciating the time.

I can’t get that time back, so I must move forward.  Which means getting him ready to go to college.  Sometimes when I stop and really think about that I want to just pass out.  WTF?  Not only do I have to come to the realization that my baby isn’t a baby, but now I have to send him away to college???  I’m not ready.  Not that I have a choice, but could time please please just slow down a little? Pretty please?

If that wasn’t enough to make a mother lose her shit completely…I have the other child who is currently taking drivers ed.  I’m pretty sure I should have a standing appointment with my colorist cause all this shit is making me feel like my grey hairs are multiplying faster. She’s so excited about this phase of her life and I am terrified as well as excited for her.  How on earth did she go from climbing out of her crib (forever the escape artist) to learning to drive.  I must have blinked too long cause this can’t really be happening…can it.

What I have come to learn, and am trying to accept, is that as a parent raising children, my time is short.  One already on his way out…the other quickly behind.  In just three years, I will no longer be raising children.  I will have done all that I can and sent them off into the world.  This isn’t fair.  Honestly I’m not ready.  Isn’t anyone listening???

I’m working on accepting.

You would think that all that would be enough to keep my mind occupied and off other topics.  It’s not.

The other thing I have to start accepting is that I’m not as positive as I think I am.  Yes, I’m the person who can take any situation and find the brighter side.  I’ve learned that not getting something means either something better is on the way or I just need to refocus my appreciation on to what I already have.   No matter how positive I am on the outside, no matter how much I tell myself things are good and things will get better.  It’s the little voice that comes from deep within that reveals that I am stuck in a negative state.

Example. When I moved into my current home, I knew it was going to be a stepping stone to a better life.  I wasn’t going to be stuck here it was just a place of transition.  Over the last few months I’ve started to accept that in just a few years I will be able to walk away from here and go on my own path.  With that came a sense of peace.  I started cleaning out the clutter of my old life so to be ready to step out when the time comes.  For the most part, I’m excited at this prospect.  For the first time in my life, where I live will be MY choice.  It’s exciting…but.

When there is a quiet moment resentment creeps in.  I’m going to lose money of this house.  I don’t want to invest any more into it.  I’m never going to get out of it what I should. There is no way I’m going to be able to sell this house for what I bought it for let alone the $80K plus that’s been put into it.  It’s HIS fault.  I never wanted this house in the first place. Why the hell did I have to get stuck with this shit hole money pit??? It’s not fair.

Yeah…that resentment.  That pity…that’s my truth.  I can sugar coat and tell myself all the positive things I want, but that negative mindset is driven deep.  That is what is going to have to change.  Not the frilly outside, but the cold hard core.

Then there’s the employment situation.  I keep on telling myself that the Universe has a plan.  Every week I apply and apply to jobs all over the place.  Every day I go to work, knowing that my time there is coming to an end and that I will soon be moving on.  Then, I’ll have a moment where the negative voices sneak in.  You aren’t qualified for anything better.  You’ll never find anything that will really support you.  You are always going to be working for assholes and never get out of the gutter.

OH COME ON!!!!  Really??? For fuck’s sake, I’ve dug my way out of more shit than I should have.  Pulled myself up and out over and over and after all that…the deep truth is I still don’t believe I’m good enough??? Arrrggghhhh.

Love. One day, you will find that beautiful love that you’ve always dreamed of.  Get yourself into a good place and have faith…it’s coming.  Ha! Relax for a moment and here comes that voice of doubt.  You are a fool. True love is not in the cards for you sweetheart…You are a silly little girl with dreams of a happily ever after that just isn’t going to happen.

After finally and painfully coming to the conclusion that anything worthwhile with the hunky stallion was never going to happen…he stepped up.  I wasn’t putting too much faith in it, but he’s been making an effort.  After months back online with a new attitude, and fielding all the same bullshit offers, I decided to shut them all down again.  I’m not saying that is because I think the H.S. are going to be The One, but if all I’m attracting to myself are guys offering nothing more than to physical pleasure, and the one’s that would seem to be relationship material don’t pan out, why not just accept what I have at the moment and let go of the rest.  It’s been more disappointment than anything else.

I know, I have a lot to be grateful for.  I also know, things could be a lot worse.  Things will get better.  What I have to do is believe all of that to my core…my deepest subconscious.  It’s not enough to say the right thing or pretend that I’m ok…I have to start doing the real work.  I have to change the internal voice because that is what is holding me back.  At this moment, I’m not sure how to do that.  There has to be a way to get down there where the core belief is and shift it to what is on the surface.

Truth is, in this moment, I’m having a hard time believing that I can do that.  However, I know that if I don’t, I’ll be keeping myself stuck forever.  It’s like decorating a house with a foundation that’s crumbling.  If I don’t fix the inner truth, the foundation for my being, all I’ll be doing is setting myself for more heartbreak and failure.   Having a positive attitude is not the same as having a positive belief.

Meditation seems to be a recurring message lately.  Time to listen to the messages the Universe is sending me and stop pretending like I don’t hear them.  If I want change, then I have to stop doing what I’ve been doing.  I have to stop just getting by on faith alone and start doing the hard work to make a difference.  No amount of surface work is going to make a difference if what’s really underneath is giant messy ball of bullshit.

How that’s going to manifest it’self is unclear, but I’m tired of those negative voices in my head.  It’s time to dig in and get my hands dirty.  Nothing is going to change unless you do.

Validation

One of the main reasons I go to counseling is because I’ve spent so much of my life being told I was wrong, being told I was the problem, that as an adult I often second guess myself.  I’ve learned that not everything is about me, and that when someone wants you to believe you are wrong, it has much more to do with them than you.  However…old patterns are hard to break.  So, like seeing Dr when you are sick, or an physical therapist when your body needs to get stronger, or a person trainer when you can’t get your sorry ass moving on your own, a counselor helps you sort out and rework the mental bullshit.

I spoke recently of a confrontation I had at work.  A confrontation that stirred up some very intense emotions. Standing there in that room with this person telling me not to speak, that he was the boss and how I was to remember that and do as I am told made me feel very uncomfortable, to say the least.  In the moment, I had an idea of what was happening, but I unfortunately got caught up in my own emotions. It was only well after that I could see it for what it really was.

He was bullying me.  By standing up and confronting me the way he did, he was trying to intimidate me.  It’s a horrible space to be in no matter who you are or what the circumstances.  The problem for me is that this has been such a common encounter for me that even now, I still wonder if I deserved it, if I was blowing it out of proportion…or if I was just being a big baby about the whole thing.  According to my counselor, no to all of it.  His actions towards me were disrespectful, unprofessional and he had no right to try to intimidate me.  I also have no reason to stay where anyone would make me feel this way.

I needed that validation.  Too often I beat myself up about the choices that I make. Believing that this is what I chose, so now I have to suck it up and take it.  Truth is, I don’t.  I need a job…most definitely.  I don’t need THIS job.  I don’t need to be anywhere I don’t feel comfortable.  As I wrap my head around that I begin to realize that I have options…I am by no means stuck where I am. Yes indeed it would be nice to have a better job offer in my hand, but I’m fortunate to have some money in the bank so I can pay my bills if need be…not indefinitely but until I that better job comes my way.

Don’t think this means I’m going to go in and give my notice tomorrow.  As much as I would like to. For the time being, I can bide my time, keep putting in those applications and collect a paycheck…all with the knowledge that I will no longer put up with the bullying.  For that matter, thank you Mr Bully boss for giving me an opportunity to grow just a little bit more. Thank you for showing me the kind of person you really are, and that you cannot beat me down.  You may think you have the upper hand here…but I know better.  Thank you also, to all the other paths I’ve taken that have allowed me to be in a position of, dare I say it, power…when there were times I felt completely powerless.

I needed validation.  Now that I’ve got that, I can pick myself up and push myself forward.  Stronger and with more confidence…one more step out of the box people have long since tried to keep me in.  Perhaps one day, I won’t have to step out of the box because I’ve learned not to be put in there in the first place.  Hmm….that a future this girl can really wrap her arms around.