Tag Archives: breakdown leads to revelation

Things will never be the same.

I had a bit of a breakdown, completely lost my shit and had and epiphany all in a span of 5 days.

It’s been quite a week.

I’m not going to go into details of the breakdown (cause I’ve been there before), or the losing my shit (yeah, that too).  I am going to tell you how all of that got me to a clearer understanding of myself, in a way I haven’t before. (even though I totally know I should have by now)

I’m reading the book The Conscious Parent.  What I like most about it is that it isn’t telling you how to discipline your children or how to get them to behave the way you want…It is about understanding yourself, as a child and as a parent.  It is about finding truth behind what it is your children do and the things they trigger in you. It’s also about accepting them completely, as they are, who they are…right at this moment.

I am completely and immensely grateful for having read this book.

Anyway….after my breakdown(don’t all great stories of triumph start in the gutter?), and after losing my shit (the hell storm before the calm), I was in sort of a “what the fuck am I doing?? why do I keep doing this shit??” state of mind.  While I was reading the chapter about the roles we play as children, when I got it.  I am chasing love and acceptance.  It was absolutely clear that was my role as a child, my role as a sought our romantic relationships, and the same role as parent.  What was so eye opening was that I do it with my children too…every single trigger is about my feeling loved and accepted.

Ok, here it is, I’m chasing love AGAIN!! Instead of stepping back and making some room for it to come to me I’m trying to control a situation I know damn good and well is not going to change no matter what I do.  I was not accepting things as they really were.  Still trying to say the right thing, or do the right thing, or take the blame for anything and everything…just to make him love me.

I chase and chase until I’m exhausted.  With my mother, with my father, my ex-husband, friends, lovers…Every fucking person, every fucking time.  Chasing love and acceptance from anyone who has rejected me, but claims to care for me.  This shit has got to stop.

I told my counselor and he agrees.  I was nurtured for this role…and I have perfected it.  I’m exhausted.  Chasing love is a lot like running, and I really don’t like running.  Why do relationships have to be so hard??  Well, he says, good healthy relationships AREN’T hard.  The one’s I try so desperately to hold on to are.  Shit, I don’t want to do hard anymore.

HOW do I snap out of it??? How the hell do I stop myself from doing it with the next schmuck??  If I keep chasing every idiot who will not ever love me…I will never have room for someone who will.

The answer is to just stop and ask.  Am I chasing or am I allowing???  If the answer is chasing…get the fuck out, shut the damn door…turn your ass around and high tail it out of there.  You don’t have time for this crap anymore.

So all you handsome narcissistic assholes, charming emotionally unavailable and/or emotionally immature men….This chick is OFF the market.  For YOU that is…off the market for anyone who needs someone to chase them.  Off the market for anyone who triggers that part of me.  I’m not chasing anymore….Done.

Things are never going to be the same.  There are going to be a few Universal tests coming I just know it.  I laugh cause I know it’s not going to be easy, but maybe a little easier than it would have been a year ago.  I’m going to be unpredictable to those who know my type…and I’m sure that, again, I’ll piss a few people off in the process.  I’ve had some experience at how changing affects the people who desperately need you to remain the same.

Ok, I’m all fired up and ready let go of the role of Chaser.  Now I just need to have a little faith that no matter what my past has been like, there is someone for me out there.  Someone who does not need me to chase them, who will not withhold their affections as a weapon, who will love and accept me completely.

Here I go…

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Hands to heaven…I think I finally got it.

Have you ever had one of those conversations with a friend…where you are telling them that you are fine, everything is good, but deep down inside, you know that just isn’t true?  Inside of you, you are turning and restless and unsure of anything…but what you want most is to get where you say you already are, so you pretend that you are there, when you know you still have far to go.

I’ve been there.  I’ve done that too many times.  Pretending that I’ve got my shit together…knowing that I should have my shit together. Having the right answers….but unable to put any of them into place. Hoping if I can convince that other person…maybe just maybe, I can convince myself as well.

This time was different.  This time when I told my friend where my focus was…how I was doing, I was really honestly there.  Truth is…until that moment, I wasn’t really sure myself.  When I went on to explain how I was doing…the things I was doing to move forward…how I wasn’t focused on the end, but actually taking steps that no matter what happened, it would only make each and every possibility better.  This time…as the words came out I felt a wave of conviction and truth wash over me.  I am really doing this.  I am really moving forward with no regret and no fear…I am just doing what I need to do to make sure whatever happens, I will be in a better place.

It was a strange feeling.  At no point did I wonder if she could “see through me”. I was being completely honest.  Maybe at some point there will be someone in my life to fill the empty space.  Maybe I will find myself in a position that I can no longer financially afford to stay in this home.  Maybe, I will be able to make a choice and move on to something else.  No matter what….clearing out the clutter will make any one of those just a little easier.

I walked away feeling really good about myself.  Something that I haven’t felt in quite a while.  I had a deep sense that I was on the right path…making the right choices for all the right reasons.  There was no forcing myself into one particular box in order to fulfill a particular unknown scenario…there was just peace and acceptance.  FINALLY.

This, my friends…is what we are truly searching for.  Truth, acceptance and peace.  I have no idea what the actual turning point was.  Maybe something my therapist said.  Maybe something I read or heard.  Maybe divine intervention.  Whatever it is I am completely grateful for it.  There is no longer a need to put on a front for the people around me.  No more fake it till I make it moments for me.  This time…it’s real and it’s enveloped me like a warm fuzzy quilt on a cold winter night.

At some point you have probably heard that you should have no expectations.  You may have read somewhere that you need to live in the now, without any worry or fear of what might come.  I have.  Many many…many times.  It has always made sense to me intellectually, perhaps spiritually…but I’ve never really been able to grasp the HOW.  My life has been all about trying to be one step ahead of the problem.  Be ready for the accusation, the assault, the proverbial rug to be pulled out from under me.  It’s what I’ve known for as long as I can remember.  Being present in the moment, making decisions that will be positive for my life no matter what direction it goes, has something that has never really been an option for me.  At least, it never appeared that way from wherever I was standing.

When I left my lunch date I was feeling light and joyous.  I was able to look strangers in the eye and smile.  The feelings I had on the inside could be see on the outside so much so that people would say “hi”…and as strange as that sounds, it’s been a long time since that has happened.  For much too long I’ve kept my head down, fearing to look up and catch someone’s eye…fearing they may possibly see the darkness I felt inside.  That’s hard to admit…and it’s very out of character for me.

I’m returning back to the me that’s been hiding.  I’m finally lifting my head up and looking for the joy…I can’t tell you how wonderful that is.

Time to walk the walk…

Let’s just say, I’m not exactly 100% proud of some of my behavior lately. I like to sell myself as a mature self confident woman…but sometimes I don’t act like one. I’ve done things that are not quite lined with my purpose or my values, and I haven’t gotten the responses I would like. Now, I’m not stupid, so I know since I have no control over the way people react to me, it’s time I take back control over how I act. Time to walk the walk, and not just talk the talk.

I was in the midst of doing something stupid the other day. First, and gratefully, I ran it past a friend. She pretty much called me out on doing the same crap I said I wasn’t going to do anymore. I tried to rationalize…I was only being honest and communicating the way that I was feeling…and it’s what I would want in return. Her short reply let me know…that was not at all what I was doing. After thinking about it, I decided to not go ahead with my plan. This time I was actually going to DO what I have said at least a dozen times….I was going to be that woman I keep telling myself I am.

So I woke today with a renewed sense of self. I’m stronger that this crap. Thankfully, I still have a little bit of self respect left after throwing myself into the dumpster one to many times. Finally I gave myself the opportunity to prove, that despite the fact that I may have temporarily lost myself, I can once again gather myself up and act like the lady I am. It was a close call I’ll admit, and maybe my behavior has done more damage than I hope, but I’m back regardless.

Through this I realized I need to talk to myself like I talk to my friends. What advice would I give them if I were hearing them tell me what they are feeling? How would I explain to them what is going on, here in the real world, that is in stark contrast to the drama filled crazy shit going on inside their pretty little head? What loving words would I share with them when they feel like they are about to fall off a cliff? Why don’t I just give myself that same loving advice….instead of just giving it? Time to treat myself the way I do those people I love most.

So starting today I’m bringing back the rational loving woman that I seem to have let go of for awhile. I’ve missed her…she’s pretty hot. This chick knows what’s right and what’s just emotions run wild. She knows what she’s capable of and what she deserves…and it’s time to let her be the one in charge.

Look out world…the bitch is back.(and I mean that in the most loving and empowering way!)

It’s time to wake up

Last Friday I had myself a bit of a breakdown.  It was one of those curling up on the floor, ugly cry, mascara running down my face can hardly breath breakdowns.  All I can say is…it was about time.

I try to hard to stay strong.  I try to hard to prove to myself I’m in control, I know what I’m doing…”I got this” mentality.  The truth is, sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes all I’m doing is ignoring the obvious.  Masking the truth of what’s really going on inside and what I’m NOT doing, instead of what I am doing.

This was that moment.  I got real with myself.  I woke up to the reality of what I was really doing with my life, and I didn’t like it one fucking bit.  As with most moments like this one…the breakdown lead to a revelation.  I took a good hard look at myself, and admitted I was doing nothing…absolutely nothing, but existing.  I wasn’t being good to myself, I wasn’t being good to my kids, I wasn’t being good to my home.

I think the way I put it was that I was neglecting everything!  I was whining about my giggly belly and thighs, but I wasn’t exercising or eating right. I was complaining about the kids not doing good in school, not being respectful not helping out, but I wasn’t really getting involved with them either.  I complained about the messy house, Christmas stuff still out the 2nd week of February…and yet, I wasn’t really doing anything about it except complaining.

Funny  thing about complaining…it really doesn’t get stuff done.  I found myself spending way to much time watching mindless tv or cruising the web.  I was doing exactly the opposite of what I believe.  I was hiding.  From myself.  Not much of a role model for anyone.  Not even for myself.

Revelation! Get off your fucking lazy ass and do what you know you CAN do!! My mind became so completely focused on what I needed to do.  Almost immediately I came up with a 6 week plan. Why 6 weeks?  Because it’s do’able.  I can do anything for 6 weeks and not get so completely overwhelmed at the idea of 6 months or a year.  First thing I did was text my trainer and asked her to take me on 3 days a week, for 6 weeks, she said “absolutely”.  Then I texted my friend and told her…I need some accountability.  I need someone to know what I”m doing and help put me back on track when I start to falter…cause I will.  Then I made my plan.

Everyone in bed by 9pm

3 days a week workout

Taking the kids with me once a week.

Plan dinner…teach kids to help get things started before you get home from work.

Yoga…instead of tv.

Keeping the kids accountable for their own actions.

It’s a start…but it’s a start in the right direction.  6 weeks from now it will be the first week of April.  I’m excited by the possibilities that await me.  I have to be the one to take the action. It is up to me and me alone…no one else is going to do it, even if you ask them to help.  Ultimately you have to be in charge of you.  I think I’ve said this before…if not, I will be saying it again.  No one is responsible for your success or your failure but you.

Anyway, as I write this I’ve already falling off course…but not too far. I got sick yesterday, so I missed my workout.  Woke up today with a fever and a headache…dammit.  I forced myself into the kitchen where I ate some oatmeal and coffee…headache went away.  I looked around at the mess and decided to crawl back into bed.  Then I mentally smacked myself and said…NOT THIS TIME!!!

Just start…do something.  I’m going to log my journey and hope to not only inspire someone else, but keep myself inspired by the truth…that I am capable of doing better.  I have the power!!  Haha…totally heard the roaring echo of that statement in my head.

Not this time…I will not give up on myself this time.