Tag Archives: confidence

Please hold while I put on my broken record.

The other day I had to yell at myself.  This yelling consisted of several poorly written pages in my journal.  The topic, self-sabotage.

Losing weight and getting in shape has been on my “To Do” list for as long as I can remember.  My track record hasn’t been too good…a few good days here and there, but always back to square one.  Recently I had been rather busy doing shit around the house, which has been moving along pretty well.  That week, with no work and lots of chores/projects I managed to lose 6 lbs.  What I learned, and probably already know but sometimes refuse to accept, is that food is my biggest problem with weight.  I eat too much.  I eat too much bad, and I eat too much good.  I just eat too damn much.  After seeing that 6 lbs weight loss and feeling fucking elated, I spent the next four days putting it all back on…plus two more.

I got on the scale at then I lost it. The journal was filled page after page with…

What the hell is your problem?

Why do you keep sabotaging yourself?

You eat like you’re a starving child who has no idea when or where her next meal is coming from?

What the fuck??

It continued for 6 pages.  There was a lot of self-bashing and a lot of “pull your head out of your ass.”  I didn’t give myself too much of a break because I know this is all bullshit. I am more than capable of doing this. It’s not like I have 50 lbs to lose, I have 20 at most.  After completing my written beat down, I went back through my journal…and would you believe, I have had this same damn conversation on more than a few occasions. Surprise! OMG why the hell would anyone want to listen to a broken record year after year? What I can’t wrap my head around is the WHY.  Why the fuck do I do this? Why do I get going strong only to throw myself back down the damn hill and lay there is a pathetic heap of “I just can’t”.

I hate complaining.  I hate complaining about myself because in my experience nobody really gives a shit.  Ok, not nobody, but for a large part of my life, the people who were supposed to be my greatest support system didn’t give a shit about my problems.  They always had worse problems…mine were just pathetic.  I hate when other people complain because most often they just complain, there is rarely little action.  So, when I start to complain about not fitting into any of my clothes comfortably, or I feel fat and uncomfortable, I keep it to myself, and I don’t usually complain for long. It is a cycle that repeats itself over and over and over…. all the damn fucking time.  One week I bitch, I get focused and start to see results, pat myself on the back and then in the blink of an eye all my hard work is washed down the drain and there I am whining about how I can’t wear this or that cause it’s too uncomfortable.  Oh my fucking lord, please make it stop.

When you look up the meaning behind self-sabotage, it usually centers on self-worth. You fail because in the end you don’t think you are worthy of the reward.  Is this my reason?  After all the work I have done, the years of therapy, the books, tapes, videos that I have engulfed, in the end do I still feel unworthy? Something harming is hiding inside of me and I can’t find it.  It’s deep…real deep.

I have subscribed to several Instagram feeds about health, fitness and nutrition.  This is my passion.  This is where my heart goes every single time.  Yet, for me, my own personal journey, looking at all of this is just a reminder that I am a failure.  You are never going to make it. You are never going to be good enough. Funny, as I type that I can hear my mother’s voice.  She has said those exact same words to me on several occasions.  At 16 when I was trying to find my own identity, I believed her.  At 24, when I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be married or not, I believed her.  At 32, when I was a stay at home mother of two and feeling overwhelmed by life, I believed her.  I can remember several instances over my life where I was in a place of accomplishments, feeling like I was coming into my own, and she would “put me in my place” and point out what a failure I really was.  Every time I agreed, and went back to settling for meritocracy.

Alright alright alright…did I just get this shit figured out? I did!!!  It’s all my mother’s fault.  Whew!!! Now I don’t have to take responsibility, I can just sit back and blame her.  Except….no, I can’t.  Now I understand where the core of this self-destruction comes from, and, I also understand, by no fault of my mothers, that this is what she knew, so I have to be responsible for myself.  It is time to take the little girl inside of me, who has always believed that she would never be anything more than a failure, wrap my arms around her and allow her to forgive that life.  I need to tell her that those are the stories that her mother feels she was told, and she repeated them, nothing more. It doesn’t now, nor has it ever had anything to do with ME.  Now I can hug that little girl tight and let her know that she isn’t a failure, she never was a failure, and the woman she has become is strong, capable and empowered.

Honestly people, I just floored myself.  I have tried for sooooo fucking long to figure out why I do this to myself repeatedly, always coming up short on the answer.  It is because of you, because I share my stories, that I finally found the answer.  Thank you.

Now the work begins.  How do you break down a lifetime of stories that were never true?  Where do you start repairing the damage that is buried deep in your bones and start to heal them?  You start with on small step. One step towards the goal, and when you hear that voice, or when you see yourself slipping, you give yourself a little reminder that….

This is no longer my story.

On to the next chapter

So, let’s recap the recent adventures of my fucking life.

After years of searching I finally found a job to get me out of the grasps of a psychopath.  Walking away from that job and starting the new one gave me the courage to finally put my house on the market and find a place of my own.  It’s like I was riding the mother of all waves, flipping up my hang loose sign, sticking out my tongue and telling the world that this was totally rad dude.

I was settling in to the new place, planning out all the projects to do when shit starting hitting the fan at work.  At this point, I’m not sure if I was purposely ignoring the signs or if I was just being overly positive that everything was going to be fine.  People were getting laid off.  People were quitting.  I think in one week 3 people were gone.  I remember texting my girls and having them all say “get out girl…time to find something new.” The AP manager, who had put in her notice, told me that I should protect myself and find something new. Still…I honestly believed that this place would fine in the end, although a little leaner. This is where I was supposed to be.  I knew it in my gut.

On Friday, the few of us left in the office were brought in by the owner to discuss what had been happening and where they were headed.  They were in trouble, but they had a plan and wanted to know if they would have a staff to help get that plan in motion.  I was all in!!  It was going to be bumpy but I had faith that the company would come out strong in the end.  On Monday the boss gave me his CC to make a purchase for him and told me I should probably have that number so to be sure to keep it somewhere safe.  I did.  At 4 pm that afternoon we were all told they were closing their doors.

How the fuck could I have been so wrong???  Did I see this coming and ignore it?  Was I totally blindsided???  To make matters even worse it was the day before my birthday!  I was numb a little, trying to be strong…finding every bit of strength to not break down.

I did not want to cry.  I really didn’t even want to acknowledge it.  What the hell was I going to do???

After shedding a few tears, having a minor panic attack and coming clean with my daughter, I decided that this was going to be just fine.  I mean, come on, if this had happened just 3 months earlier I would have been totally screwed.  I would have most definitely lost my house because I did not have enough money in the bank. I would have been stuck there for way longer cause I would not be able to get approved for any new loan at that point.  It would have been a disaster.  BUT…it happened when it did and it was perfect.

I got to take my birthday off!  Who doesn’t love to have their birthday off!!  I was able to have a completely delightful morning make out session with the hunky stallion because…well, I didn’t have anywhere to go.  I was in a good place financially because with selling the old house I had equity so I had plenty of money in the bank.  Since I am a smart chick I was also putting mortgage payment money away even though I did not have a mortgage payment for 2 months during this process, so there was that.  Looking over my situation I realized I could go at least 3-4 months without having to touch any of the money from the house sell, and still be ok, still be able to do the things to the house that I wanted, just not all of them.  I was going to be ok, really, this could not have happened at a better time.

So….having faith paid off.  Things did not pan out like I had hoped…but that’s fucking life.  That’s why you have to stop with the expectation that life is only good if it happens like “this”.  You must be willing to let life unfold the way it is intended and believe that you will be ok.  That, my friends, if the god damn story of my whole fucking life.  Where once something like this would have put me in a complete state of dread and panic (or the people in my life, ie: my ex husband who is soooo damn dramatic) I was now able to have a (brief) moment of uncertainty and then turn my focus to acceptance and peace.

Now I have the time to work on getting the house settled.  I was going to take the time off to do all those things that would have eaten up every weekend for the next 6 months. Boxes unpacked.  Drawers and cabinets organized.  I was going to look for the right job, not just settle, while getting my house done the way I wanted.  This time is was going to be used wisely.  Come on, this was going to be great.  So far, it has been.

I have tackled some major shit that I would have dreaded doing after a long work week.  Ugly kitchen cabinets GONE! New sparkly wall, hell yeah!  Unpack boxes and get rid of more shit…bring it on.  I’ve been a beast when it comes to working on the shit here…I remind myself all the time about how bad it felt not doing the things I really wanted to do at the old house only to have to do them in record time for someone else to enjoy.  This is MY house! I will do with it what I please and it will be wonderful.

Being rejected is not fun.  Being rejected over and over and over and over….again and again totally sucks.  It’s easy to sit back and feel like a failure.  This is testing my faith. Faith in myself. Faith in my abilities. Faith in the Universe.  I’ve been up and down, and up again with feeling defeated by this circumstance.  Still, I continue to bring myself back to accepting that in the end, everything will be ok.

Accepting and gratitude is the fucking key.

At an appointment with my financial adviser to discuss my accounts and see how I was doing, I told her I had lost my job.  She asked what kind of job I was looking for…and we discussed my “qualifications”.  Then she said they were looking for a part time on call person and would I be interested.  Why yes I would be interested…yes the fuck I would!  Finding out about the specific position and the perks and the potential was just what I needed.  That along with the fact that my financial adviser thinks I’m fantastic and is already looking out for where I can be placed full time and permanently was just the confirmation I needed that, yes…everything was going to be just fine. I will be fine, even better perhaps.

Now I am focusing on training part time, while continuing to get my shit finished at the house.  I believe that once I that full time position opens up to me I will be done with most of the major work on the house which will be a lot less stressful and take less of my free time.  It’s all working out.  Every damn bit of it.

Am I lucky? Maybe, but I believe in my soul that things work out for me because I am willing to keep my faith.  I roll with the bad instead of screaming and yelling about how unfair life is.  Ok, sometimes I yell, but what I don’t do is stay there in a pool of self-pity and whine that I am a victim and life isn’t fair. I appreciate and show gratitude for the good things because I know that things could be worse.  I live the life I speak about…I practice it every fucking day.  Faith in something out there that is so much bigger than me has a plan…and it is a way better plan than I will ever dream of.

Life not going the way you wanted??? Think about how that could change if you just look at all the setbacks and bullshit in a different light.  I’m not letting the shit part of life drag me down…cause if you think about it, shit is the fertilizer. Gardeners and anyone who has a dog that shits in their yard will know what I mean. If you accept the shit, things will assuredly come out better that you dreamed.

Managing myself…and all my stupid baggage.

I’m still regrouping from my recent polar plunge into the icy cold pool of doubt and worry.  Still sitting on the edge of the pool with a towel wrapped tightly around me dangling my feet in.  Deep inside of me is a very strong, capable women screaming at me to get the fuck up, change into something dry and move the fuck on.  I’m humming so I can pretend like I don’t hear her.  Truth is, I’m waiting…waiting for another reason to throw myself back in, and it seems easier to stay in my cold wet clothes, then get dressed and proclaim “nice try mother-fuckers!”.

So, how are you doing?  Haha…I’m about one spilled glass of milk away from completely losing my shit.  How are you?

All my life I’ve been able to put on a happy face, pretend like things are going good, and eventually find myself in a better place.  People have told me how strong I am…but I’m really just faking it.  Doesn’t seem to make much sense wallowing in all the pain and discomfort of my current situation, when I can fake a little strength, until I actually have some. If you see me…please don’t ask me how I’m doing.  There is something in that particular phrase that seems to make my entire foundation crumble.  Twice, when asked, I nearly started crying.  Maybe that’s what I need to do…release a little pent up emotion. I’m really not going to do it in front of some unsuspecting soul or in a public place.  When I’m in the right place to let go…nothing happens.  Shit.

Lessons and opportunities.

There has been a lot of discussions in my home lately about learning lessons.  I’ve tried to express how little we learn when everything is going right.  Most often, we learn the most when everything is completely fucked up.  You’ll never really know how capable you are, till you have to dig your way out of a situation you didn’t really want to be in to start with.  My son is about to go to college…he’s lived a rather cushy life up till now.  I’m excited for him to learn and grow as a person, not just a student.  He’s not nearly as excited though…perhaps, someday he will appreciate being thrown into life, somewhat ill-equipped but with me there to have his back.  I will remain hopeful.

Give me a break.

I really really really just want to go get a mani/pedi…and a massage.  There is this practical snotty little bitch who thinks that I  should get the dirty work I need to do done first…so I don’t just mess up my nails.  She’s kind of right…but fuck her.  Ugh…just one more week,maybe two…so push through and you’ll be glad you did.  Dammit dammit dammit.  Ok.

Stop being a stubborn asshole…ask for help when you need it, take it when it’s offered.

I think I can be a wee bit stubborn sometimes.  Haha…that is really an understatement.  The trouble I have with asking for help, is that too often people just don’t help. People don’t seem to have the time, or willingness to help me out when I ask. This is nothing new, this has been a long cycle for me, so I’ve learned to not ask.  I’ll figure it out on my own, don’t worry about it.  Accepting help…well that one hurts.  This is my mess, I’ll clean it up.  I don’t need anyone swooping in to rescue me…I got this.  Except, that I don’t always, and I find it hard to admit.

Give yourself some credit.

For the love of all that his sacred in this world woman give yourself a little more credit.  All the shit that is going on right now is completely and totally manageable.  You are a force.  You are capable of getting through this if only you will just cut yourself some slack. No one said you had to do it all by yourself, and no one said you had to do it perfectly. You do that to yourself and now it’s time to knock it the fuck off.  Stop being like all those crazy fuckers who cry when the world doesn’t go according to plan.  You know life doesn’t go as planned and you know that you are happier when you stop for a moment and see everything that is right in the world.  Your world is right in so many ways because of your unwillingness to let the shit drag you under and keep you there.  You don’t need a champion, you are a champion!  No one needs to give you a pat on the back and tell you that you are doing ok…you know you are, and you can pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high five and get on doing what you are capable of doing.

Ok ok…I’m slowly and painfully pulling myself out of this shit.  One more step forward…I think I’ll go put some dry clothes on now.

Shut up inner voice…you’re drunk, and we all know drunk=truth.

The last few weeks have been some what of a blur.  I’m reeling and I don’t see an end to it any time soon.

Last weekend, my son turned 18! OMG!  I’m not really sure how that happened…I mean really, didn’t I just bring this beautiful baby boy home from the hospital?  Wasn’t it just last week he was crawling around on the floor? Couldn’t have been that long ago he was learning to walk, cuddling with me on the couch reading books and watching Blue’s Clues.  How on earth did he turn 18??

So I did what every parent does in these situations…I pulled out his baby books.  Damn he was a cute chubby ball of sweetness.  Did I take full advantage of all those years?  They seem like such a blur, and yet in an instant I can still remember what it felt like to hold that baby in my arms, nursing him, enjoying those sweet moments making him laugh and cuddling.  Now he’s a man.  There is a part of me that would like a do-over.  Give me those years back.  Give me another chance to appreciate even more how lucky I was.  I’m sure I could have done a better job….loving him and appreciating the time.

I can’t get that time back, so I must move forward.  Which means getting him ready to go to college.  Sometimes when I stop and really think about that I want to just pass out.  WTF?  Not only do I have to come to the realization that my baby isn’t a baby, but now I have to send him away to college???  I’m not ready.  Not that I have a choice, but could time please please just slow down a little? Pretty please?

If that wasn’t enough to make a mother lose her shit completely…I have the other child who is currently taking drivers ed.  I’m pretty sure I should have a standing appointment with my colorist cause all this shit is making me feel like my grey hairs are multiplying faster. She’s so excited about this phase of her life and I am terrified as well as excited for her.  How on earth did she go from climbing out of her crib (forever the escape artist) to learning to drive.  I must have blinked too long cause this can’t really be happening…can it.

What I have come to learn, and am trying to accept, is that as a parent raising children, my time is short.  One already on his way out…the other quickly behind.  In just three years, I will no longer be raising children.  I will have done all that I can and sent them off into the world.  This isn’t fair.  Honestly I’m not ready.  Isn’t anyone listening???

I’m working on accepting.

You would think that all that would be enough to keep my mind occupied and off other topics.  It’s not.

The other thing I have to start accepting is that I’m not as positive as I think I am.  Yes, I’m the person who can take any situation and find the brighter side.  I’ve learned that not getting something means either something better is on the way or I just need to refocus my appreciation on to what I already have.   No matter how positive I am on the outside, no matter how much I tell myself things are good and things will get better.  It’s the little voice that comes from deep within that reveals that I am stuck in a negative state.

Example. When I moved into my current home, I knew it was going to be a stepping stone to a better life.  I wasn’t going to be stuck here it was just a place of transition.  Over the last few months I’ve started to accept that in just a few years I will be able to walk away from here and go on my own path.  With that came a sense of peace.  I started cleaning out the clutter of my old life so to be ready to step out when the time comes.  For the most part, I’m excited at this prospect.  For the first time in my life, where I live will be MY choice.  It’s exciting…but.

When there is a quiet moment resentment creeps in.  I’m going to lose money of this house.  I don’t want to invest any more into it.  I’m never going to get out of it what I should. There is no way I’m going to be able to sell this house for what I bought it for let alone the $80K plus that’s been put into it.  It’s HIS fault.  I never wanted this house in the first place. Why the hell did I have to get stuck with this shit hole money pit??? It’s not fair.

Yeah…that resentment.  That pity…that’s my truth.  I can sugar coat and tell myself all the positive things I want, but that negative mindset is driven deep.  That is what is going to have to change.  Not the frilly outside, but the cold hard core.

Then there’s the employment situation.  I keep on telling myself that the Universe has a plan.  Every week I apply and apply to jobs all over the place.  Every day I go to work, knowing that my time there is coming to an end and that I will soon be moving on.  Then, I’ll have a moment where the negative voices sneak in.  You aren’t qualified for anything better.  You’ll never find anything that will really support you.  You are always going to be working for assholes and never get out of the gutter.

OH COME ON!!!!  Really??? For fuck’s sake, I’ve dug my way out of more shit than I should have.  Pulled myself up and out over and over and after all that…the deep truth is I still don’t believe I’m good enough??? Arrrggghhhh.

Love. One day, you will find that beautiful love that you’ve always dreamed of.  Get yourself into a good place and have faith…it’s coming.  Ha! Relax for a moment and here comes that voice of doubt.  You are a fool. True love is not in the cards for you sweetheart…You are a silly little girl with dreams of a happily ever after that just isn’t going to happen.

After finally and painfully coming to the conclusion that anything worthwhile with the hunky stallion was never going to happen…he stepped up.  I wasn’t putting too much faith in it, but he’s been making an effort.  After months back online with a new attitude, and fielding all the same bullshit offers, I decided to shut them all down again.  I’m not saying that is because I think the H.S. are going to be The One, but if all I’m attracting to myself are guys offering nothing more than to physical pleasure, and the one’s that would seem to be relationship material don’t pan out, why not just accept what I have at the moment and let go of the rest.  It’s been more disappointment than anything else.

I know, I have a lot to be grateful for.  I also know, things could be a lot worse.  Things will get better.  What I have to do is believe all of that to my core…my deepest subconscious.  It’s not enough to say the right thing or pretend that I’m ok…I have to start doing the real work.  I have to change the internal voice because that is what is holding me back.  At this moment, I’m not sure how to do that.  There has to be a way to get down there where the core belief is and shift it to what is on the surface.

Truth is, in this moment, I’m having a hard time believing that I can do that.  However, I know that if I don’t, I’ll be keeping myself stuck forever.  It’s like decorating a house with a foundation that’s crumbling.  If I don’t fix the inner truth, the foundation for my being, all I’ll be doing is setting myself for more heartbreak and failure.   Having a positive attitude is not the same as having a positive belief.

Meditation seems to be a recurring message lately.  Time to listen to the messages the Universe is sending me and stop pretending like I don’t hear them.  If I want change, then I have to stop doing what I’ve been doing.  I have to stop just getting by on faith alone and start doing the hard work to make a difference.  No amount of surface work is going to make a difference if what’s really underneath is giant messy ball of bullshit.

How that’s going to manifest it’self is unclear, but I’m tired of those negative voices in my head.  It’s time to dig in and get my hands dirty.  Nothing is going to change unless you do.

It’s A Learning Opportunity…Dammit

I violated the number one unspoken rule at work this week.  Don’t do anything to bruise the boss’s ego.

I broke it.

It was totally unintentional, however when I was summoned to his office, opened the door and he immediately stood up to confront me…I knew exactly what I had done.

If you are a psychology major, this encounter would have been quite a treat to observe.  For me, it was an all to familiar scene.  There are many similarities between my mother and my boss…and I am quite often reminded.  This one was unfortunately, a pretty brutal and emotional reminder.

As he stood there in front of me, I kept reminding myself that this was not about me, this was about him.  However, it wasn’t long before I felt like I was 9 years old being reprimanded by my mother. He was furious with me.  Shit. I took my verbal beating, apologized for my mistake, tried to defend myself (to a degree) and tried to exit quickly to “fix” it.  As I left the room, I pulled the door behind me and it slammed.  Uh oh…maybe, just maybe.  Nope, he immediately opened the door and called me back.

Again, the “slam” was not intentional, and again I knew what it represented.  All of the sudden I felt myself shrinking.  No longer was I able to hold my demeanor.  It would not have taken too much more to have had me broken down into tears.  I was humiliated, degraded and intimidated.  Everything I was supposed to be in that moment for the sake of his ego…and everything I’ve worked a lot of fucking years to not allow myself to feel.

It took a good 5 mins to compose myself enough to not cry.  It took another 15 mins to calm down and see the entire encounter for what it really was.  After 30 mins…I was ok.  I was able to, for the most part, let it go.  The situation in my mind was clear.  I knew what I triggered in him, and I knew full well what he triggered in me.  For the rest of the day, I was able to conduct myself in a professional manner, as if nothing had happened.  He, however, held on to it all day, and I’m pretty damn sure he’s still stewing over it.  There will be a meeting about my conduct…and I know, another opportunity.

My counselor rubbed his hands together “I just love an opportunity like this.”  Haha…yeah, great.  This opportunity wasn’t a complete failure on my part.  It did bring to light an ever present tender spot for me.  The goal is to be in a situation such as this and NOT allow it to trigger that scared little girl.  As much as I was totally aware of what was going on when I entered that room, and as much as I told myself it wasn’t about me…I still allowed myself to be affected. I took it personally. Fuck.

The opportunity will keep showing up until you have learned what you need to learn.  Any way we can skip this particular lesson and move on to something a little more pleasant??? No?  Damn…  So if I want to stop leaving an open door for assholes who want to humiliate me for their own selfish narcissistic needs to enter, then I’m going to have to learn how to stand there in front of them and not react. Not take it personally.  Not be engaged.  Until I do, this will not be the last time it happens….and he will most certainly not be the last asshole.

This is not about me.

I will not participate.

I will disengage myself.

He does not represent who I am as a women, a professional or a human.

He is nothing to me.

I’ll be able to put this into action soon…I’m ready.

Bring. It. On.

Things will never be the same.

I had a bit of a breakdown, completely lost my shit and had and epiphany all in a span of 5 days.

It’s been quite a week.

I’m not going to go into details of the breakdown (cause I’ve been there before), or the losing my shit (yeah, that too).  I am going to tell you how all of that got me to a clearer understanding of myself, in a way I haven’t before. (even though I totally know I should have by now)

I’m reading the book The Conscious Parent.  What I like most about it is that it isn’t telling you how to discipline your children or how to get them to behave the way you want…It is about understanding yourself, as a child and as a parent.  It is about finding truth behind what it is your children do and the things they trigger in you. It’s also about accepting them completely, as they are, who they are…right at this moment.

I am completely and immensely grateful for having read this book.

Anyway….after my breakdown(don’t all great stories of triumph start in the gutter?), and after losing my shit (the hell storm before the calm), I was in sort of a “what the fuck am I doing?? why do I keep doing this shit??” state of mind.  While I was reading the chapter about the roles we play as children, when I got it.  I am chasing love and acceptance.  It was absolutely clear that was my role as a child, my role as a sought our romantic relationships, and the same role as parent.  What was so eye opening was that I do it with my children too…every single trigger is about my feeling loved and accepted.

Ok, here it is, I’m chasing love AGAIN!! Instead of stepping back and making some room for it to come to me I’m trying to control a situation I know damn good and well is not going to change no matter what I do.  I was not accepting things as they really were.  Still trying to say the right thing, or do the right thing, or take the blame for anything and everything…just to make him love me.

I chase and chase until I’m exhausted.  With my mother, with my father, my ex-husband, friends, lovers…Every fucking person, every fucking time.  Chasing love and acceptance from anyone who has rejected me, but claims to care for me.  This shit has got to stop.

I told my counselor and he agrees.  I was nurtured for this role…and I have perfected it.  I’m exhausted.  Chasing love is a lot like running, and I really don’t like running.  Why do relationships have to be so hard??  Well, he says, good healthy relationships AREN’T hard.  The one’s I try so desperately to hold on to are.  Shit, I don’t want to do hard anymore.

HOW do I snap out of it??? How the hell do I stop myself from doing it with the next schmuck??  If I keep chasing every idiot who will not ever love me…I will never have room for someone who will.

The answer is to just stop and ask.  Am I chasing or am I allowing???  If the answer is chasing…get the fuck out, shut the damn door…turn your ass around and high tail it out of there.  You don’t have time for this crap anymore.

So all you handsome narcissistic assholes, charming emotionally unavailable and/or emotionally immature men….This chick is OFF the market.  For YOU that is…off the market for anyone who needs someone to chase them.  Off the market for anyone who triggers that part of me.  I’m not chasing anymore….Done.

Things are never going to be the same.  There are going to be a few Universal tests coming I just know it.  I laugh cause I know it’s not going to be easy, but maybe a little easier than it would have been a year ago.  I’m going to be unpredictable to those who know my type…and I’m sure that, again, I’ll piss a few people off in the process.  I’ve had some experience at how changing affects the people who desperately need you to remain the same.

Ok, I’m all fired up and ready let go of the role of Chaser.  Now I just need to have a little faith that no matter what my past has been like, there is someone for me out there.  Someone who does not need me to chase them, who will not withhold their affections as a weapon, who will love and accept me completely.

Here I go…

 Different Wolf…Same Sheep’s clothing

Counselor “He is thinking only of himself and his needs, right?”
Me “Um…well.”
End scene

Daily I let things settle in with my situation with the Hunky Stallion. I have little Ah-ha moments that strengthen my resolve that this is and always will be a dead end relationship. Even though my intellectual brain KNOWS this…my emotional brain needs to understand and analyze it or I know I will continue to make the same mistakes.

One day I was thinking about our last (and not only) conversation about what I wanted from a relationship…then all of the sudden it hit me.  “Why does this sound so fucking familiar???”  I realized that it is the same exact conversation I have had with my ex husband year after year of our marriage.

It was always the same…Me doing my best to be ok with not getting what I need from the relationship until one of us explodes.  Sometimes it was him. Sometimes it was me.  However it started, it was always ALWAYS the same damn conversation.

Me: I need this!
Him: Yes I know. OR Yes you deserve that. OR I can’t do that.
End scene

Nothing changed. NOTHING.

You would think I would have learned. I guess there are some things you have to learn again and again and a-fucking-gain to get it through your head.

I’m seduced by sweet words of intention….I want so much to believe that the other person really wants to give me what I want, what I deserve.  Somewhere in my crazy fucked up brain I honestly believe that when someone says they understand that withholding their affection from you hurts you that they are going to stop withholding…stop hurting you.  Experience has taught me otherwise…and it seems I still need to repeat the lesson.

Now…I get, it is ME who needs to do the “changing”.  Why do I let myself get stuck thinking that if I just give him more time he’ll get on board?  That’s a great question, and I think if my counselor were to answer that, he would tell you that I was raised to be giving…and giving…and giving….Yes, folks, we can blame my fucked up relationship behaviors on my mother.  Come on! Give me a WHAT WHAT!!!  It’s not my fault…she fucked me up good.

Except for one little thing…I am an adult.  I’m now responsible for my own actions…even if those actions are breed into the very fibers of my existence.  I am responsible for whether or not I continue to play the part I was raised to play, or stand up for my own well being and say FUCK that shit.

Yes the wolf is different…but it’s the same dynamic every single time.  I am catching on.  Thankfully I’m becoming wiser faster…I was married to my ex husband way longer than I should have been.  I’m not going to say I regret it because in all those years I was blessed with two beautiful children and grew as a person in ways I probably wouldn’t have had I been in a different relationship.  The thing is that at my age…45 this year (fuck)…I don’t have another 20 years to wonder if he is going to love me enough to change.  Now I have to be the one to love me enough to say goodbye and move on.

Now…if some handsome, confident, strong yet sensitive, fun, passionate, adventurous and loving man would just ask me out on a damn date.

I guess I got time.