You can’t have a Mother’s day right around the corner and NOT think about your mother. If you have read my blog for more than 5 mins (ok 1 year and 5 mins since I took some time off), then you know I don’t have the best relationship with my mother.
It’s so sad (to quote POTUS)
Have I tried to talk to her? Yes. Did it help? No.
The problem is not that I don’t love my mother. It’s also not that she doesn’t love me. We love each other very much…Love is not the problem. It is not the solution either.
See, my mother does not believe that I love her. She does not believe that I have forgiven her the abuse from the past. She thinks that I am an angry, bitter adult who refuses to let go of the past. This my sweet readers is what projection looks like.
She will bring up things from the past, to make a point. I will inevitably address her “point” and she will close with “you never let anything go”. Hmmm, wait a second, weren’t you the one who brought that up. That is completely beside the point, and it always is.
I have fantasies…of a better relationship with my mother. I imagine us going out to lunch and have good conversations, laughing and thoroughly enjoying each others company. I imagine family holiday dinners with good music, good food and fun. There are times that I think it is possible. Seriously, I know what I’m dealing with. I understand her pain and where it comes from, surely our love for each other can overcome all the negativity. Prince said it…Love is the answer.
It is with great sadness I have to inform you that Love cannot save everything.
My mother, deep down, has a good heart. I have told her this. With everything she has said and done, underneath it all she has good intentions. She means well, I know this. I think that is why I still fantasize about our relationship being better. There is some part of me that hopes that the better parts of her…the goodness, the well-meaning, the love will one day take the wheel and all the pain will take a back seat. Sometimes I see a glimmer…and then with one blink of an eye the pain rears up its ugly head and knocks me back down. Usually it’s with a back handed passive aggressive comment, sometimes it’s a full in your face insult.
She wants to help. I want to let her help. Her help comes with conditions, strict hard core “my way or no way” conditions. My acceptance of her help also comes with conditions…to not give her ultimate control. There are boundaries. She out right refuses to accept or respect my boundaries. She’s even said “what is a boundary?”. Not sure if there is a way to get through to someone like that. I’m still going to hold on to just a little tiny bit of hope.
So, to the strangers out there who read my stuff, let me say to you…
Mom, I love you. I miss you. Happy Mother’s Day. You have made me a better mother, if not always for the right reasons. I have learned to love and appreciate the lessons I have received from you. I see you in my little girl and somewhere in me feels like if I can love her through it, maybe I’m loving you a little too. If I had a chance to hand pick my mother out, knowing what I know now, there are times I would have picked someone who was more loving, caring and nurturing. Then I think that if I had that, I would not be the person I am today. I would not know the things I know, love the way I do, and be graced with the two beautiful children that I have. So, if I had a chance to choose, I would choose you. If there was only one thing I could change it would be to help you to let go of all the pain and let the love in. We are all missing out on some special relationships and we all suffer for it. I wish you love and peace and thank you. Happy Mother’s day.