Tag Archives: ego

First comes the epiphany…then comes the negotiations.

Here I am all proud of cracking the code to my deep seeded need to self-sabotage.  How do you celebrate such and epiphany??  Do you throw out all the junk food and start doing laps around the neighborhood? Do you throw out all your “fat” clothes?  Do you high five yourself while you do 1000 crunches and tell yourself that those fuckers who thought you were a failure are going to have to eat shit?

If you are me, you have two (homemade mind you) bacon, avocado cheese burgers.  Yep…now we start the negotiations.

Excuse one: I am fucking tired and besides I ate good all day and I am hangry for a cheeseburger.

Excuse two: I don’t have to start today.  I can just be happy knowing I got a grip and will soon be putting myself to work.

Excuse three-infinity: You have time and you need to finish up some stuff…and there’s this and that and how can you expect to have the time right now. Geez.

Yeah. That’s me.  I feel like what I need is to put a life size cut out of my mother and my ex-husband giving me that stupid fucking “See, we knew you couldn’t do it” face right in the middle of my living room.  Maybe that would be motivating.  Since cutting those two out of my life (for the most part) it’s nice not having to look at their face, or listen to the negativity.  Nope, now all I have to listen to is me…and me ain’t saying too much to get my shit going.

I won’t be beating myself up for too long. Right now I’m still absorbing the message and kind of laughing at myself.  At least it’s with a kind heart, not like when the other shit-heads used to. I also have to acknowledge that I am not sitting around on my ass not doing anything but stuffing my face and complaining about my jiggly parts.  There is work to be done…and so it must be done.  I am not leaving myself behind, I’m taking care of shit, before I take care of MY shit.

Planning is important, but doing is the key.  So, while I am not doing the “eat healthy and exercise” shit right now, I’m trying not to negotiate with my inner dumbass about why I don’t really need to be doing this today. Or tomorrow.  Or why it would be ok if I just started next week.

No, I’m keeping my mind on the prize. I’m acknowledging the slip and reminding myself that I am important…and how I feel is important.  I’m not giving up the good fight. I’m not throwing in the towel.

I’m going to end this post and head into the kitchen and start putting together some delightful meals to grab and go for the next few days.  I’m also reminding myself that I have tools at my disposal that are not in the least bit overwhelming…

Negotiations can be tough, especially if those negotiations are with a voice in your head that has been some what in charge for a hugly (hahaha)  part of your life.  She has won enough times…now it’s time for a new champion. A champion who can’t wait to stop bitching about not finding anything comfortable to wear.

 

 

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On to the next chapter

So, let’s recap the recent adventures of my fucking life.

After years of searching I finally found a job to get me out of the grasps of a psychopath.  Walking away from that job and starting the new one gave me the courage to finally put my house on the market and find a place of my own.  It’s like I was riding the mother of all waves, flipping up my hang loose sign, sticking out my tongue and telling the world that this was totally rad dude.

I was settling in to the new place, planning out all the projects to do when shit starting hitting the fan at work.  At this point, I’m not sure if I was purposely ignoring the signs or if I was just being overly positive that everything was going to be fine.  People were getting laid off.  People were quitting.  I think in one week 3 people were gone.  I remember texting my girls and having them all say “get out girl…time to find something new.” The AP manager, who had put in her notice, told me that I should protect myself and find something new. Still…I honestly believed that this place would fine in the end, although a little leaner. This is where I was supposed to be.  I knew it in my gut.

On Friday, the few of us left in the office were brought in by the owner to discuss what had been happening and where they were headed.  They were in trouble, but they had a plan and wanted to know if they would have a staff to help get that plan in motion.  I was all in!!  It was going to be bumpy but I had faith that the company would come out strong in the end.  On Monday the boss gave me his CC to make a purchase for him and told me I should probably have that number so to be sure to keep it somewhere safe.  I did.  At 4 pm that afternoon we were all told they were closing their doors.

How the fuck could I have been so wrong???  Did I see this coming and ignore it?  Was I totally blindsided???  To make matters even worse it was the day before my birthday!  I was numb a little, trying to be strong…finding every bit of strength to not break down.

I did not want to cry.  I really didn’t even want to acknowledge it.  What the hell was I going to do???

After shedding a few tears, having a minor panic attack and coming clean with my daughter, I decided that this was going to be just fine.  I mean, come on, if this had happened just 3 months earlier I would have been totally screwed.  I would have most definitely lost my house because I did not have enough money in the bank. I would have been stuck there for way longer cause I would not be able to get approved for any new loan at that point.  It would have been a disaster.  BUT…it happened when it did and it was perfect.

I got to take my birthday off!  Who doesn’t love to have their birthday off!!  I was able to have a completely delightful morning make out session with the hunky stallion because…well, I didn’t have anywhere to go.  I was in a good place financially because with selling the old house I had equity so I had plenty of money in the bank.  Since I am a smart chick I was also putting mortgage payment money away even though I did not have a mortgage payment for 2 months during this process, so there was that.  Looking over my situation I realized I could go at least 3-4 months without having to touch any of the money from the house sell, and still be ok, still be able to do the things to the house that I wanted, just not all of them.  I was going to be ok, really, this could not have happened at a better time.

So….having faith paid off.  Things did not pan out like I had hoped…but that’s fucking life.  That’s why you have to stop with the expectation that life is only good if it happens like “this”.  You must be willing to let life unfold the way it is intended and believe that you will be ok.  That, my friends, if the god damn story of my whole fucking life.  Where once something like this would have put me in a complete state of dread and panic (or the people in my life, ie: my ex husband who is soooo damn dramatic) I was now able to have a (brief) moment of uncertainty and then turn my focus to acceptance and peace.

Now I have the time to work on getting the house settled.  I was going to take the time off to do all those things that would have eaten up every weekend for the next 6 months. Boxes unpacked.  Drawers and cabinets organized.  I was going to look for the right job, not just settle, while getting my house done the way I wanted.  This time is was going to be used wisely.  Come on, this was going to be great.  So far, it has been.

I have tackled some major shit that I would have dreaded doing after a long work week.  Ugly kitchen cabinets GONE! New sparkly wall, hell yeah!  Unpack boxes and get rid of more shit…bring it on.  I’ve been a beast when it comes to working on the shit here…I remind myself all the time about how bad it felt not doing the things I really wanted to do at the old house only to have to do them in record time for someone else to enjoy.  This is MY house! I will do with it what I please and it will be wonderful.

Being rejected is not fun.  Being rejected over and over and over and over….again and again totally sucks.  It’s easy to sit back and feel like a failure.  This is testing my faith. Faith in myself. Faith in my abilities. Faith in the Universe.  I’ve been up and down, and up again with feeling defeated by this circumstance.  Still, I continue to bring myself back to accepting that in the end, everything will be ok.

Accepting and gratitude is the fucking key.

At an appointment with my financial adviser to discuss my accounts and see how I was doing, I told her I had lost my job.  She asked what kind of job I was looking for…and we discussed my “qualifications”.  Then she said they were looking for a part time on call person and would I be interested.  Why yes I would be interested…yes the fuck I would!  Finding out about the specific position and the perks and the potential was just what I needed.  That along with the fact that my financial adviser thinks I’m fantastic and is already looking out for where I can be placed full time and permanently was just the confirmation I needed that, yes…everything was going to be just fine. I will be fine, even better perhaps.

Now I am focusing on training part time, while continuing to get my shit finished at the house.  I believe that once I that full time position opens up to me I will be done with most of the major work on the house which will be a lot less stressful and take less of my free time.  It’s all working out.  Every damn bit of it.

Am I lucky? Maybe, but I believe in my soul that things work out for me because I am willing to keep my faith.  I roll with the bad instead of screaming and yelling about how unfair life is.  Ok, sometimes I yell, but what I don’t do is stay there in a pool of self-pity and whine that I am a victim and life isn’t fair. I appreciate and show gratitude for the good things because I know that things could be worse.  I live the life I speak about…I practice it every fucking day.  Faith in something out there that is so much bigger than me has a plan…and it is a way better plan than I will ever dream of.

Life not going the way you wanted??? Think about how that could change if you just look at all the setbacks and bullshit in a different light.  I’m not letting the shit part of life drag me down…cause if you think about it, shit is the fertilizer. Gardeners and anyone who has a dog that shits in their yard will know what I mean. If you accept the shit, things will assuredly come out better that you dreamed.

It’s A Learning Opportunity…Dammit

I violated the number one unspoken rule at work this week.  Don’t do anything to bruise the boss’s ego.

I broke it.

It was totally unintentional, however when I was summoned to his office, opened the door and he immediately stood up to confront me…I knew exactly what I had done.

If you are a psychology major, this encounter would have been quite a treat to observe.  For me, it was an all to familiar scene.  There are many similarities between my mother and my boss…and I am quite often reminded.  This one was unfortunately, a pretty brutal and emotional reminder.

As he stood there in front of me, I kept reminding myself that this was not about me, this was about him.  However, it wasn’t long before I felt like I was 9 years old being reprimanded by my mother. He was furious with me.  Shit. I took my verbal beating, apologized for my mistake, tried to defend myself (to a degree) and tried to exit quickly to “fix” it.  As I left the room, I pulled the door behind me and it slammed.  Uh oh…maybe, just maybe.  Nope, he immediately opened the door and called me back.

Again, the “slam” was not intentional, and again I knew what it represented.  All of the sudden I felt myself shrinking.  No longer was I able to hold my demeanor.  It would not have taken too much more to have had me broken down into tears.  I was humiliated, degraded and intimidated.  Everything I was supposed to be in that moment for the sake of his ego…and everything I’ve worked a lot of fucking years to not allow myself to feel.

It took a good 5 mins to compose myself enough to not cry.  It took another 15 mins to calm down and see the entire encounter for what it really was.  After 30 mins…I was ok.  I was able to, for the most part, let it go.  The situation in my mind was clear.  I knew what I triggered in him, and I knew full well what he triggered in me.  For the rest of the day, I was able to conduct myself in a professional manner, as if nothing had happened.  He, however, held on to it all day, and I’m pretty damn sure he’s still stewing over it.  There will be a meeting about my conduct…and I know, another opportunity.

My counselor rubbed his hands together “I just love an opportunity like this.”  Haha…yeah, great.  This opportunity wasn’t a complete failure on my part.  It did bring to light an ever present tender spot for me.  The goal is to be in a situation such as this and NOT allow it to trigger that scared little girl.  As much as I was totally aware of what was going on when I entered that room, and as much as I told myself it wasn’t about me…I still allowed myself to be affected. I took it personally. Fuck.

The opportunity will keep showing up until you have learned what you need to learn.  Any way we can skip this particular lesson and move on to something a little more pleasant??? No?  Damn…  So if I want to stop leaving an open door for assholes who want to humiliate me for their own selfish narcissistic needs to enter, then I’m going to have to learn how to stand there in front of them and not react. Not take it personally.  Not be engaged.  Until I do, this will not be the last time it happens….and he will most certainly not be the last asshole.

This is not about me.

I will not participate.

I will disengage myself.

He does not represent who I am as a women, a professional or a human.

He is nothing to me.

I’ll be able to put this into action soon…I’m ready.

Bring. It. On.

Get out of your own way…

Rejected again.  Did someone say ‘dating sucks’??

Of course I took it personally. Really??  WTF???  I AM a wonderful person.  How on earth could we have such a great time, great kiss only to have you tell me that you don’t see a long term future with me? Huh??  You don’t see yourself growing old with me so I don’t even get a second date?  Crushed…

That’s what happened…and it isn’t the first time.

So I’m internalizing this rejection, of course.  My first reaction was  that I am “unable to sell myself as a woman to fall in love with…I’m just the fun girl guys want to sleep with”.  Ah…the ego. My friend says “there’s got to be a lesson in there somewhere.” Yeah, it’s that I’m not worthy of loving….or even being given a chance to love.  <insert pouty face here>

There’s something about waking up (too early for a Sunday mind you) with a little bit of clarity.

Life is an adventure. The reason we should be grateful we don’t all have crystal balls is because if we knew where we were going to end up…we just might miss experiencing life it’s self along the way. Life and love are all about the journey, the lessons along the way and about experiencing it all…good and bad.  Too  often I have been taught that I know very little about anything, I’m always surprised…and the only way to really experience everything that life has to offer is to just be a willing participant.

What I came to realize is that it is not that I myself am not worthy of a chance, but that this guy and the others before him, are so focused on how they see the future, that they are unwilling to open themselves up to the possibilities of anything that doesn’t fit the image they have in their mind.  Pity.

I am thankful that I don’t know what the love of my life looks like. I’m grateful that I get to be open to the many experiences life has to offer that teach me something new…I know, at least to some degree, what love should feel like…what I don’t know, and what I am willing to let the Universe show me, is what it looks like. These last two men I went out with are not willing to be open. Their loss…

So bottom line is that no matter what your goal is, do not be so tied down to the package that you think it should come in. Staying focused on how you want or think it should look like or where it should come from will only hold you back. You know how you would feel if you had that dream job. You know how you would feel in you had the love of your life. Stay focused on the feeling you want…and let the Universe show you what wonderful gifts it has to give. Enjoy the journey, every path is a step towards a beautiful future. Don’t brush any of it away simply because it doesn’t look right or didn’t come from the right source.

You put your intention out there…get out of your own way and let the Universe show you the rest