Tag Archives: enjoy this moment

Hands to heaven…I think I finally got it.

Have you ever had one of those conversations with a friend…where you are telling them that you are fine, everything is good, but deep down inside, you know that just isn’t true?  Inside of you, you are turning and restless and unsure of anything…but what you want most is to get where you say you already are, so you pretend that you are there, when you know you still have far to go.

I’ve been there.  I’ve done that too many times.  Pretending that I’ve got my shit together…knowing that I should have my shit together. Having the right answers….but unable to put any of them into place. Hoping if I can convince that other person…maybe just maybe, I can convince myself as well.

This time was different.  This time when I told my friend where my focus was…how I was doing, I was really honestly there.  Truth is…until that moment, I wasn’t really sure myself.  When I went on to explain how I was doing…the things I was doing to move forward…how I wasn’t focused on the end, but actually taking steps that no matter what happened, it would only make each and every possibility better.  This time…as the words came out I felt a wave of conviction and truth wash over me.  I am really doing this.  I am really moving forward with no regret and no fear…I am just doing what I need to do to make sure whatever happens, I will be in a better place.

It was a strange feeling.  At no point did I wonder if she could “see through me”. I was being completely honest.  Maybe at some point there will be someone in my life to fill the empty space.  Maybe I will find myself in a position that I can no longer financially afford to stay in this home.  Maybe, I will be able to make a choice and move on to something else.  No matter what….clearing out the clutter will make any one of those just a little easier.

I walked away feeling really good about myself.  Something that I haven’t felt in quite a while.  I had a deep sense that I was on the right path…making the right choices for all the right reasons.  There was no forcing myself into one particular box in order to fulfill a particular unknown scenario…there was just peace and acceptance.  FINALLY.

This, my friends…is what we are truly searching for.  Truth, acceptance and peace.  I have no idea what the actual turning point was.  Maybe something my therapist said.  Maybe something I read or heard.  Maybe divine intervention.  Whatever it is I am completely grateful for it.  There is no longer a need to put on a front for the people around me.  No more fake it till I make it moments for me.  This time…it’s real and it’s enveloped me like a warm fuzzy quilt on a cold winter night.

At some point you have probably heard that you should have no expectations.  You may have read somewhere that you need to live in the now, without any worry or fear of what might come.  I have.  Many many…many times.  It has always made sense to me intellectually, perhaps spiritually…but I’ve never really been able to grasp the HOW.  My life has been all about trying to be one step ahead of the problem.  Be ready for the accusation, the assault, the proverbial rug to be pulled out from under me.  It’s what I’ve known for as long as I can remember.  Being present in the moment, making decisions that will be positive for my life no matter what direction it goes, has something that has never really been an option for me.  At least, it never appeared that way from wherever I was standing.

When I left my lunch date I was feeling light and joyous.  I was able to look strangers in the eye and smile.  The feelings I had on the inside could be see on the outside so much so that people would say “hi”…and as strange as that sounds, it’s been a long time since that has happened.  For much too long I’ve kept my head down, fearing to look up and catch someone’s eye…fearing they may possibly see the darkness I felt inside.  That’s hard to admit…and it’s very out of character for me.

I’m returning back to the me that’s been hiding.  I’m finally lifting my head up and looking for the joy…I can’t tell you how wonderful that is.


Uh…but wait, I have a plan.

Life is paved by the bricks laid by good intentions.   I’m not going to get married till I get my degree.  We won’t buy a house till we have enough money in the bank.  I’m not getting pregnant till I get to xx position in my company.

Sounds good to have a plan.  Sounds mature and productive.  Funny thing is…things never seem to follow suit with said plan.  If there is anything I’ve learned over the last 10 years it’s that as soon as I say “I’m not going to until…” that’s the moment some fucking wrench get’s tossed into my brilliant (although perhaps misguided) plan.

It makes sense.  Have my ducks all in a row, then I can concentrate on the next phase.  The biggest trouble with this is we tend to focus so much on the ducks, we forget to notice the pond.

When I first decided to quit smoking after 17 years of it, I had a plan. I bought a treadmill and planned to have a concrete running regimen in force before I gave up the smokes for good.  I started working towards that goal two months prior to my scheduled quit day.  Within weeks I had injured myself to the point that I was told…there would be no running for me.  Fuck.  I had a plan!!!  WTH!  I did quit on my scheduled day, however because I didn’t have a more loose “plan” I became depressed and I averaged a 5 pound weight gain every year for the first 5 years.

That is just one example of many times in my life where I thought I was on the right track, but things didn’t ever seem to fall into place.  We make plans so that we are “ready” for things.  Ha!  If we waited till we were really ready, most of us would never have gotten married, had kids, moved or taken on any other life changing event.  There is no perfect time for any of it.  There is most definitely no other time that the present moment.

I’m going to do a load of laundry every night.  Washer breaks.  I’m going to start running every morning.  5 day monsoon. I’m going to eat nothing but kumquats for a week.  Kumquat recall next day.

I’m not saying toss the plan.  We need to have some sort of game plan in order for us to move. I get it. However, what I am suggesting, is that we not be so focused on the plan that we miss the opportunity.  If you have a 5 year plan for what ever you want, and shit starts to fall together in 3.  Maybe it didn’t work out till year 6 or 7….don’t knock it.   For the love of all that is right with the world DO NOT FIGHT IT.  Roll with it…rework the plan, get a new plan.

The Universe…laughs at us and our plans. We should be thankful for that.  It has a much better plan for us than we could ever imagine.

Well…that didn’t turn out the way I planned. May be a good thing?

So my date with the new guy was very nice. Very attentive, good looking, good conversation.  He was eager to plan our next date.  I had a very good time.  For our second date we planned a day date in the city, but the weather didn’t cooperate so in house movie watching and cuddling was the plan. He brought lunch, wine and movies.  All and all it was a good 2nd date.  He likes me and it’s different that what I have been used to.

Last week I had one of those vulnerable moments where I really wanted to be in the arms of my hunky stallion.  I am sooo tired of having one sided conversations with myself where nothing get’s accomplished.  I texted, he texted back, I asked him to come to me…he disappeared.  The next morning I told him it was crystal clear, I would stop asking.  Then I decided it was time to walk away.  I had written out my feelings already…after a sleepless night I had to get it out.  I always enjoy writing  because it helps to make clear my true feelings.

Now, conversations like this are much better done in person, however I knew I could wait no longer.  I was torturing myself and it had to stop.  My first message asked him to turn his phone to silent I need to get it all out and it was going to be long.  Secretly I hated thinking I was going to blow up his phone, but I was desperate to end this once and for all. I explained how I didn’t expect to feel the way I did about him.  How I never felt more alive more passionate more beautiful than when I was with him.  I told him that there was never a time that I felt he wasn’t completely sincere or that he was playing me. I went on to say that I knew things had changed.  I knew he was pulling away and that no matter how much I wanted to have a relationship…I couldn’t make him want it too.  There were things going on in his life and I can respect that but I could see he was pulling away more and more.  Then I told him I knew he was still searching for something and that maybe I just wasn’t what he wanted .  Finally closing with how I  hoped that he would find his way back to me, but I had to let him go.  I sent it then proceeded to delete all his messages and take him out of my favorites.  I knew it was time…I had my say.

It felt good. Secretly I hoped he would say “Please don’t go”, what  I feared was he would be grateful he didn’t have to be the asshole and end it with me and just say “ok”.  I got neither of those things.  After a few hours he responded. Said he was sorry for the misunderstandings and that he wanted to talk to me and would get in touch after work.  He ended it with his usual “kisses beautiful”  He didn’t get in touch.  Honestly, I didn’t really want to talk to him.  I didn’t send the message because I was hoping to open up communication. I’m not that dramatic. If I want to talk, I talk.  I also didn’t send it because I wanted him to change…I really sent it cause I wanted to end it. After several hours after work, and no response  I just sent “ok”.  He responded quickly. “Sorry”  family over and he’s cooking.  He wants to talk to me, he never intended to hurt me and that he was sorry if it seemed like he changed.  He invited me to come to dinner…then said to just come hang out.

No. I wasn’t going to do it. I don’t want to talk. Really all I want is to let go.  I caved.  I felt incredibly uncomfortable.  This was the time he was going to say he just didn’t want a relationship and whatever it was I didn’t want to hear it…Again, neither of those things happened.  Honestly, what the hell.  He’s certainly not like any man I’ve ever known.  He was attentive and it was like nothing had ever changed.  Shit. Now what? I’m at a loss…I was absolutely prepared to walk away.  He wouldn’t let me. Fuck.

For now…I’ve regrouped myself.  No more long conversations with myself. I had my say, he knows how I feel, I can be done with that part of it.  He made it clear that he wants me around.  For now I’m a little more relaxed about the whole thing…but I”m not as involved in making it into something it isn’t, or something he’s not ready for.  Somewhere along the line I forgot myself.  I forgot that I’m supposed to enjoy the moment and let go of expectations.  Now that I’ve had a chance to say my peace…I can finally get back to that.   Buddha says “Attachment is the root of suffering.”   It really was my attachment to a specific outcome that was causing all my endless suffering.  I may not have let the hunky stallion go…but I did let go of the attachment to what I think it should be or look like.

Enjoying the moment you’re in…right this second.

Here you are…sitting in front of your computer, avoiding something I’m sure.  Yeah, I know, I’ve been there.

How do you feel?  Are you frustrated?  Is there a nagging in your gut?  Is there something keeping you from enjoying this moment?


Are you feeling light?  Do you have an overall peaceful feeling?  Is there a smile on your face (even just a little one)?  Is there something or someone on your mind that makes you feel exuberant?

Which feels better?  Bad feelings make us feel sick, and make ugly wrinkles and those nasty frown lines.  They take away any chance we have of feeling good…about anything. It draws our focus on to more negative things, more things to feel bad about.  Next thing you know you’re in a worse place than before, and you haven’t even moved.

Change your focus.  Open up a file with pictures of your last adventure.  Email a friend or family member you miss.  Look around you and see that you are the champion of your life, and you are surrounded by love and warmth.  It’s there! No, really, I promise.  LOOK for it!!  Oh wait…maybe it’s closer than you think.  Maybe it’s right there in you.

Can you sit in traffic and feel peaceful?  Sure you can!  How about at the dinner table surrounded by people who don’t like you?  Yep!  When you grab a container of your favorite food, and it drops on the floor…can you look at it and laugh?  Uh huh…you sure can.   It’s about being in that place where you know there is more good around you, no matter what the circumstances are.

One example that puts all this right into perspective happened not to long ago.  I had invited my good friend over to chat, drink some wine and work on my puzzle (minor recent obsession).  The puzzle was set up in the dining room on a table cloth.  I had let the dog in, who ran to my friend, stepped on part of the tablecloth sending a glass of wine over.  My friend, being extremely quick, saved the glass…but the wine went all over the puzzle.  Talking to my friend after, she said she had a moment of panic…having dealt with other people knowing this was just the kind of situation that would have set a rather ugly mood for the rest of the evening.  I laughed at her sweet skills on saving the glass…and laughed while getting  the table cloth off, and cleaned up the mess.  We put the puzzle back together, and made some great progress.  Later we did discuss the situation, and how others seem to have such a hard time handling such a situation.  Those people are just NOT in the moment…and miss the joy we found saving all our hard work and laughing at the whole scene!

Life is so much better when you live to enjoy the moment you are in.  Stop looking so far ahead, you miss what is right in your face.  People talk about Karma… you get what’s coming to you.  What do you want that to be?  I believe wholeheartedly that you bring about what you think about.  Want more joy, see more joy.   Make the decision to enjoy this moment right now!  It’s like opening the floodgates to more good feelings.  However, it works both ways, but you probably already know that.

Right now enjoy!