Tag Archives: faith

What a beautiful world this can be

May is almost over…and so is (almost) all the shit that has been driving me crazy lately.  My son graduated high school last weekend.  Seriously, I still look at him and remember when he graduated preschool.  Oh my has he grown.  What was most beautiful about his graduation was his joy.  He had a smile that just lights me up…I want to see more of that.

His graduation party was a success….again, too see a young man who was happy and smiling.  I couldn’t ask for more.  However, I was grateful to have a house full of wonderful people.  Former coworkers, new coworker, old friends, new friends, family I haven’t seen in way to long.  The day was beautiful, and the house was filled with laughter and joy.  There is a long standing joke with my friends about how the weather always goes south when I plan out-door events.  Not this time.  I’m going to say that my shift in attitude may have played a huge role in that…for had I stayed in the darkness, the rain would undoubtedly come.

A few weeks ago I was reminded that I needed (desperately) to let go of doubt and worry.  So I did.  What happened was that the little twitch in my eye went away, and good things started falling into place.  Things were finally aligning in a good way….because I was able to embrace the good and let go of the bad thoughts.  What you think about, you bring about.  I was tired of waking up every morning filled with doubt and gloom.  That is a choice, just like choosing to wake up with a grateful heart.

It isn’t as though the next few months are not going to come with challenges.  In just a few short weeks we will be on the fast track to  getting my son ready to go away to college.  There is no way for me to truly express how excited I am for him…and how hard it is for me to grasp this new phase of his life, and mine.  No matter what, I will bring to this coming “adventure” (my son tells me I use that word incorrectly too much, ha!) with a positive and grateful attitude.  He has opportunities ahead of him I wish I had taken advantage of when I was 18, but then if I had, he may not have been one of my greatest blessings.  I’m not sure how I’m going to handle not being able to see his face everyday.  Knowing that he’s not just behind his bedroom door…annoyed at me for popping in.  I am blessed, elated and trying to manage the little bit of fear and loss that will surly stir once he is gone.

Even though I attribute May to having been a busy and highly emotional month for me….there is still a lot of work to be done over these next few months.  Time to buckle down and get my ass back in alignment with my plans.   I gave myself a break in order to deal with the self inflicted emotional rollercoaster I was on, and now it’s time to get back to the real work.  Cleaning up and clearing out.  That includes fear, doubt, worry as well as physical clutter.  It also means focusing more on moving to a better place for work and relationships.

The challenges are not over…and it is a blessing that they never will be.  What is over is allowing negative emotions and thoughts to overshadow those challenges.  I’m moving forward with a renewed sense of purpose and gratitude….and that is how I will face each new challenge.  Even if that challenge is simply to NOT give in to the pesky dark voices that whisper in my ear “You’re not going to make it.”

Yes I am, asshole.  Yes I am.

Managing myself…and all my stupid baggage.

I’m still regrouping from my recent polar plunge into the icy cold pool of doubt and worry.  Still sitting on the edge of the pool with a towel wrapped tightly around me dangling my feet in.  Deep inside of me is a very strong, capable women screaming at me to get the fuck up, change into something dry and move the fuck on.  I’m humming so I can pretend like I don’t hear her.  Truth is, I’m waiting…waiting for another reason to throw myself back in, and it seems easier to stay in my cold wet clothes, then get dressed and proclaim “nice try mother-fuckers!”.

So, how are you doing?  Haha…I’m about one spilled glass of milk away from completely losing my shit.  How are you?

All my life I’ve been able to put on a happy face, pretend like things are going good, and eventually find myself in a better place.  People have told me how strong I am…but I’m really just faking it.  Doesn’t seem to make much sense wallowing in all the pain and discomfort of my current situation, when I can fake a little strength, until I actually have some. If you see me…please don’t ask me how I’m doing.  There is something in that particular phrase that seems to make my entire foundation crumble.  Twice, when asked, I nearly started crying.  Maybe that’s what I need to do…release a little pent up emotion. I’m really not going to do it in front of some unsuspecting soul or in a public place.  When I’m in the right place to let go…nothing happens.  Shit.

Lessons and opportunities.

There has been a lot of discussions in my home lately about learning lessons.  I’ve tried to express how little we learn when everything is going right.  Most often, we learn the most when everything is completely fucked up.  You’ll never really know how capable you are, till you have to dig your way out of a situation you didn’t really want to be in to start with.  My son is about to go to college…he’s lived a rather cushy life up till now.  I’m excited for him to learn and grow as a person, not just a student.  He’s not nearly as excited though…perhaps, someday he will appreciate being thrown into life, somewhat ill-equipped but with me there to have his back.  I will remain hopeful.

Give me a break.

I really really really just want to go get a mani/pedi…and a massage.  There is this practical snotty little bitch who thinks that I  should get the dirty work I need to do done first…so I don’t just mess up my nails.  She’s kind of right…but fuck her.  Ugh…just one more week,maybe two…so push through and you’ll be glad you did.  Dammit dammit dammit.  Ok.

Stop being a stubborn asshole…ask for help when you need it, take it when it’s offered.

I think I can be a wee bit stubborn sometimes.  Haha…that is really an understatement.  The trouble I have with asking for help, is that too often people just don’t help. People don’t seem to have the time, or willingness to help me out when I ask. This is nothing new, this has been a long cycle for me, so I’ve learned to not ask.  I’ll figure it out on my own, don’t worry about it.  Accepting help…well that one hurts.  This is my mess, I’ll clean it up.  I don’t need anyone swooping in to rescue me…I got this.  Except, that I don’t always, and I find it hard to admit.

Give yourself some credit.

For the love of all that his sacred in this world woman give yourself a little more credit.  All the shit that is going on right now is completely and totally manageable.  You are a force.  You are capable of getting through this if only you will just cut yourself some slack. No one said you had to do it all by yourself, and no one said you had to do it perfectly. You do that to yourself and now it’s time to knock it the fuck off.  Stop being like all those crazy fuckers who cry when the world doesn’t go according to plan.  You know life doesn’t go as planned and you know that you are happier when you stop for a moment and see everything that is right in the world.  Your world is right in so many ways because of your unwillingness to let the shit drag you under and keep you there.  You don’t need a champion, you are a champion!  No one needs to give you a pat on the back and tell you that you are doing ok…you know you are, and you can pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high five and get on doing what you are capable of doing.

Ok ok…I’m slowly and painfully pulling myself out of this shit.  One more step forward…I think I’ll go put some dry clothes on now.

Shut up inner voice…you’re drunk, and we all know drunk=truth.

The last few weeks have been some what of a blur.  I’m reeling and I don’t see an end to it any time soon.

Last weekend, my son turned 18! OMG!  I’m not really sure how that happened…I mean really, didn’t I just bring this beautiful baby boy home from the hospital?  Wasn’t it just last week he was crawling around on the floor? Couldn’t have been that long ago he was learning to walk, cuddling with me on the couch reading books and watching Blue’s Clues.  How on earth did he turn 18??

So I did what every parent does in these situations…I pulled out his baby books.  Damn he was a cute chubby ball of sweetness.  Did I take full advantage of all those years?  They seem like such a blur, and yet in an instant I can still remember what it felt like to hold that baby in my arms, nursing him, enjoying those sweet moments making him laugh and cuddling.  Now he’s a man.  There is a part of me that would like a do-over.  Give me those years back.  Give me another chance to appreciate even more how lucky I was.  I’m sure I could have done a better job….loving him and appreciating the time.

I can’t get that time back, so I must move forward.  Which means getting him ready to go to college.  Sometimes when I stop and really think about that I want to just pass out.  WTF?  Not only do I have to come to the realization that my baby isn’t a baby, but now I have to send him away to college???  I’m not ready.  Not that I have a choice, but could time please please just slow down a little? Pretty please?

If that wasn’t enough to make a mother lose her shit completely…I have the other child who is currently taking drivers ed.  I’m pretty sure I should have a standing appointment with my colorist cause all this shit is making me feel like my grey hairs are multiplying faster. She’s so excited about this phase of her life and I am terrified as well as excited for her.  How on earth did she go from climbing out of her crib (forever the escape artist) to learning to drive.  I must have blinked too long cause this can’t really be happening…can it.

What I have come to learn, and am trying to accept, is that as a parent raising children, my time is short.  One already on his way out…the other quickly behind.  In just three years, I will no longer be raising children.  I will have done all that I can and sent them off into the world.  This isn’t fair.  Honestly I’m not ready.  Isn’t anyone listening???

I’m working on accepting.

You would think that all that would be enough to keep my mind occupied and off other topics.  It’s not.

The other thing I have to start accepting is that I’m not as positive as I think I am.  Yes, I’m the person who can take any situation and find the brighter side.  I’ve learned that not getting something means either something better is on the way or I just need to refocus my appreciation on to what I already have.   No matter how positive I am on the outside, no matter how much I tell myself things are good and things will get better.  It’s the little voice that comes from deep within that reveals that I am stuck in a negative state.

Example. When I moved into my current home, I knew it was going to be a stepping stone to a better life.  I wasn’t going to be stuck here it was just a place of transition.  Over the last few months I’ve started to accept that in just a few years I will be able to walk away from here and go on my own path.  With that came a sense of peace.  I started cleaning out the clutter of my old life so to be ready to step out when the time comes.  For the most part, I’m excited at this prospect.  For the first time in my life, where I live will be MY choice.  It’s exciting…but.

When there is a quiet moment resentment creeps in.  I’m going to lose money of this house.  I don’t want to invest any more into it.  I’m never going to get out of it what I should. There is no way I’m going to be able to sell this house for what I bought it for let alone the $80K plus that’s been put into it.  It’s HIS fault.  I never wanted this house in the first place. Why the hell did I have to get stuck with this shit hole money pit??? It’s not fair.

Yeah…that resentment.  That pity…that’s my truth.  I can sugar coat and tell myself all the positive things I want, but that negative mindset is driven deep.  That is what is going to have to change.  Not the frilly outside, but the cold hard core.

Then there’s the employment situation.  I keep on telling myself that the Universe has a plan.  Every week I apply and apply to jobs all over the place.  Every day I go to work, knowing that my time there is coming to an end and that I will soon be moving on.  Then, I’ll have a moment where the negative voices sneak in.  You aren’t qualified for anything better.  You’ll never find anything that will really support you.  You are always going to be working for assholes and never get out of the gutter.

OH COME ON!!!!  Really??? For fuck’s sake, I’ve dug my way out of more shit than I should have.  Pulled myself up and out over and over and after all that…the deep truth is I still don’t believe I’m good enough??? Arrrggghhhh.

Love. One day, you will find that beautiful love that you’ve always dreamed of.  Get yourself into a good place and have faith…it’s coming.  Ha! Relax for a moment and here comes that voice of doubt.  You are a fool. True love is not in the cards for you sweetheart…You are a silly little girl with dreams of a happily ever after that just isn’t going to happen.

After finally and painfully coming to the conclusion that anything worthwhile with the hunky stallion was never going to happen…he stepped up.  I wasn’t putting too much faith in it, but he’s been making an effort.  After months back online with a new attitude, and fielding all the same bullshit offers, I decided to shut them all down again.  I’m not saying that is because I think the H.S. are going to be The One, but if all I’m attracting to myself are guys offering nothing more than to physical pleasure, and the one’s that would seem to be relationship material don’t pan out, why not just accept what I have at the moment and let go of the rest.  It’s been more disappointment than anything else.

I know, I have a lot to be grateful for.  I also know, things could be a lot worse.  Things will get better.  What I have to do is believe all of that to my core…my deepest subconscious.  It’s not enough to say the right thing or pretend that I’m ok…I have to start doing the real work.  I have to change the internal voice because that is what is holding me back.  At this moment, I’m not sure how to do that.  There has to be a way to get down there where the core belief is and shift it to what is on the surface.

Truth is, in this moment, I’m having a hard time believing that I can do that.  However, I know that if I don’t, I’ll be keeping myself stuck forever.  It’s like decorating a house with a foundation that’s crumbling.  If I don’t fix the inner truth, the foundation for my being, all I’ll be doing is setting myself for more heartbreak and failure.   Having a positive attitude is not the same as having a positive belief.

Meditation seems to be a recurring message lately.  Time to listen to the messages the Universe is sending me and stop pretending like I don’t hear them.  If I want change, then I have to stop doing what I’ve been doing.  I have to stop just getting by on faith alone and start doing the hard work to make a difference.  No amount of surface work is going to make a difference if what’s really underneath is giant messy ball of bullshit.

How that’s going to manifest it’self is unclear, but I’m tired of those negative voices in my head.  It’s time to dig in and get my hands dirty.  Nothing is going to change unless you do.

Remembering where I was…trying to get a little of it back.

Just going through my old blog. Seems that I was a much more open writer then. I didn’t know anyone who was reading and I was free to express myself completely without worrying about facing anyone.
I don’t like censoring myself. I don’t feel like I’m being genuine. I read those old posts and I can feel every bit of emotion in them. I need to get back to that. Get back to being real.
Anyway, here is one originally posted in August 2010.

Divorce…holy fuck! I’m divorced!

I’m sorry…I just had to get that out. I have a drunken sailor living deep inside me and he’s been cussing up a storm. At some point I have to let him out…let him express the deep and confusing feelings I keep locked up inside. Well, ok, it’s not my feelings he’s actually expressing, but sometimes I really just want to let loose with the profanity and make even the truck drivers blush….

Pity party? Maybe. Sometimes there just seems to be no real solid definition to how I’m feeling. I think at times I’m doing really good…and then without warning I think I am SO not doing well. These feelings were described recently to me by my counselor as something along the line of Sophomore/ish. I am longing for the carefree attitude of a young girl, but desire the stability and strength of being a mature woman. I am in between these two worlds…struggling from side to side at any given moment. Sea sick is how I feel most days.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I do NOT regret for one single moment, my decision to get a divorce. As hard as it is sometimes….I still believe that it was the best decision for all involved. What I do miss…someone to fix the shit around here. Ugh. Really…it feels like things are falling apart on purpose, just to piss me off (or make me more confident). Break light out, water softener empty, water filters expired, pool green (again), lawn mower making funny noises, week whacker out of string, tree limbs overgrown, over-sized weeds taking over….and the list goes on and on…I really just miss someone here who did it…Now that person is me, and sometimes, I just want to drop to the floor and throw an old fashioned temper tantrum. Really…what the hell is the toilet doing now??? For the love of all that is good…can you please give me a break.

Deep down, I know what’s going on. LIFE. Yep, life is going on and I must go on with it. Each time one of these, er, little things go bad, I find myself taking care of it. Just in the last week, I changed my own break light, replaced the furnace filter and filled up the water softener. Today, it’s tackling the green pool. Ugh. What happens each time I accomplish one of these projects, is that I gain a little more confidence. Mind you, it’s not that I think I can’t do it…I know I can…it’s just that I never really had to. Now, I have no choice.

One of the things my mother told my ex husband, just shortly after he moved into his own place, was that (in her mind) I needed to suffer. Sometimes I think, ok…have I suffered enough??? Suffering is not what I’m doing…I’m whining…a little. That’s it. None of this stupid little shit has broken me yet…and the way I see it, I’m getting stronger and stronger every single day. A little part of me wants to rub it in her face…just a little. I know that living a good happy life is truly the best way to handle people who wish you ill…So, I think I’ll just continue getting stronger, and being happy.

The next step for me, is to truly accept being alone. That nagging little voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering to me that I NEED to have a man in my life. Excuse me for a moment but Shut The Fuck UP already!!! Geez. Really! I do NOT need to have someone in my life. I HAD someone in my life for over 17 years…THAT is not what I need. I need at this moment to be happy and alone! Enjoy spending a little time getting to know myself…Getting a handle on those stupid things that keep trying to drag me down. THAT is what I need to do.

So that is what I’m working on. That, and remembering to put chemicals in the pool BEFORE it turns green…cause I really really hate cleaning the pool. Especially when it’s 90+ degrees…and I want to swim in it. Oh and cooking…for me, not to please someone else. I have a book full of recipes that I haven’t even tried. Time to open up my life to Myself.

I think it will be a nice journey…