Tag Archives: faith

On to the next chapter

So, let’s recap the recent adventures of my fucking life.

After years of searching I finally found a job to get me out of the grasps of a psychopath.  Walking away from that job and starting the new one gave me the courage to finally put my house on the market and find a place of my own.  It’s like I was riding the mother of all waves, flipping up my hang loose sign, sticking out my tongue and telling the world that this was totally rad dude.

I was settling in to the new place, planning out all the projects to do when shit starting hitting the fan at work.  At this point, I’m not sure if I was purposely ignoring the signs or if I was just being overly positive that everything was going to be fine.  People were getting laid off.  People were quitting.  I think in one week 3 people were gone.  I remember texting my girls and having them all say “get out girl…time to find something new.” The AP manager, who had put in her notice, told me that I should protect myself and find something new. Still…I honestly believed that this place would fine in the end, although a little leaner. This is where I was supposed to be.  I knew it in my gut.

On Friday, the few of us left in the office were brought in by the owner to discuss what had been happening and where they were headed.  They were in trouble, but they had a plan and wanted to know if they would have a staff to help get that plan in motion.  I was all in!!  It was going to be bumpy but I had faith that the company would come out strong in the end.  On Monday the boss gave me his CC to make a purchase for him and told me I should probably have that number so to be sure to keep it somewhere safe.  I did.  At 4 pm that afternoon we were all told they were closing their doors.

How the fuck could I have been so wrong???  Did I see this coming and ignore it?  Was I totally blindsided???  To make matters even worse it was the day before my birthday!  I was numb a little, trying to be strong…finding every bit of strength to not break down.

I did not want to cry.  I really didn’t even want to acknowledge it.  What the hell was I going to do???

After shedding a few tears, having a minor panic attack and coming clean with my daughter, I decided that this was going to be just fine.  I mean, come on, if this had happened just 3 months earlier I would have been totally screwed.  I would have most definitely lost my house because I did not have enough money in the bank. I would have been stuck there for way longer cause I would not be able to get approved for any new loan at that point.  It would have been a disaster.  BUT…it happened when it did and it was perfect.

I got to take my birthday off!  Who doesn’t love to have their birthday off!!  I was able to have a completely delightful morning make out session with the hunky stallion because…well, I didn’t have anywhere to go.  I was in a good place financially because with selling the old house I had equity so I had plenty of money in the bank.  Since I am a smart chick I was also putting mortgage payment money away even though I did not have a mortgage payment for 2 months during this process, so there was that.  Looking over my situation I realized I could go at least 3-4 months without having to touch any of the money from the house sell, and still be ok, still be able to do the things to the house that I wanted, just not all of them.  I was going to be ok, really, this could not have happened at a better time.

So….having faith paid off.  Things did not pan out like I had hoped…but that’s fucking life.  That’s why you have to stop with the expectation that life is only good if it happens like “this”.  You must be willing to let life unfold the way it is intended and believe that you will be ok.  That, my friends, if the god damn story of my whole fucking life.  Where once something like this would have put me in a complete state of dread and panic (or the people in my life, ie: my ex husband who is soooo damn dramatic) I was now able to have a (brief) moment of uncertainty and then turn my focus to acceptance and peace.

Now I have the time to work on getting the house settled.  I was going to take the time off to do all those things that would have eaten up every weekend for the next 6 months. Boxes unpacked.  Drawers and cabinets organized.  I was going to look for the right job, not just settle, while getting my house done the way I wanted.  This time is was going to be used wisely.  Come on, this was going to be great.  So far, it has been.

I have tackled some major shit that I would have dreaded doing after a long work week.  Ugly kitchen cabinets GONE! New sparkly wall, hell yeah!  Unpack boxes and get rid of more shit…bring it on.  I’ve been a beast when it comes to working on the shit here…I remind myself all the time about how bad it felt not doing the things I really wanted to do at the old house only to have to do them in record time for someone else to enjoy.  This is MY house! I will do with it what I please and it will be wonderful.

Being rejected is not fun.  Being rejected over and over and over and over….again and again totally sucks.  It’s easy to sit back and feel like a failure.  This is testing my faith. Faith in myself. Faith in my abilities. Faith in the Universe.  I’ve been up and down, and up again with feeling defeated by this circumstance.  Still, I continue to bring myself back to accepting that in the end, everything will be ok.

Accepting and gratitude is the fucking key.

At an appointment with my financial adviser to discuss my accounts and see how I was doing, I told her I had lost my job.  She asked what kind of job I was looking for…and we discussed my “qualifications”.  Then she said they were looking for a part time on call person and would I be interested.  Why yes I would be interested…yes the fuck I would!  Finding out about the specific position and the perks and the potential was just what I needed.  That along with the fact that my financial adviser thinks I’m fantastic and is already looking out for where I can be placed full time and permanently was just the confirmation I needed that, yes…everything was going to be just fine. I will be fine, even better perhaps.

Now I am focusing on training part time, while continuing to get my shit finished at the house.  I believe that once I that full time position opens up to me I will be done with most of the major work on the house which will be a lot less stressful and take less of my free time.  It’s all working out.  Every damn bit of it.

Am I lucky? Maybe, but I believe in my soul that things work out for me because I am willing to keep my faith.  I roll with the bad instead of screaming and yelling about how unfair life is.  Ok, sometimes I yell, but what I don’t do is stay there in a pool of self-pity and whine that I am a victim and life isn’t fair. I appreciate and show gratitude for the good things because I know that things could be worse.  I live the life I speak about…I practice it every fucking day.  Faith in something out there that is so much bigger than me has a plan…and it is a way better plan than I will ever dream of.

Life not going the way you wanted??? Think about how that could change if you just look at all the setbacks and bullshit in a different light.  I’m not letting the shit part of life drag me down…cause if you think about it, shit is the fertilizer. Gardeners and anyone who has a dog that shits in their yard will know what I mean. If you accept the shit, things will assuredly come out better that you dreamed.

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Life is a little weird…but so am I

Wouldn’t it be nice if things just worked out like they were supposed to?

Well…actually they do.  What they don’t always do it work out the way WE think they are supposed to.

That is exactly what trips most of us up.  The expectation of how something is supposed to be.  Like for instance…you put your house on the market after 10 long agonizing years and 60 days of blood, sweat and tears just to get an offer within less than 48 hours with a 6 week closing date.  You feel so good knowing that by Christmas you will be in your new place, or at the very least out of this one.  You say a little thank you, panic just a little and start trying to figure out where the fuck you are going to live in 6 weeks.  Then shit happens.  There is a problem with the buyers loan, no biggie just a set back. Then there is another set back.  Now instead of being out before Christmas, you’ll be out before the end of the year.  Woot….a new year and a new place!! Honestly it’s like all the rainbows and sunshine are filling my world.

During all this we searched for a place to land.  I was not going to settle for just anything that I could afford…it was going to have to be the right place.  Being a person of faith and gut I knew that when we found it…we would know.  My daughter was not so sure.  She was starting to settle, “This one is ok.” “I could live with this.” “I don’t need to have…”.  There was no fucking way that I had waited this long only to jump into something that I was going to regret, or that would make me feel like I didn’t belong, again.  Just have faith…it’s coming. As the closing date grew closer I have to admit, I started to worry myself.  I made arrangements to rent so that we wouldn’t feel rushed to find a place.  My realtor was getting to know my preferences and we saw a lot of cute places that just were not fitting as a whole.  One had NO yard for the dog. One was out of the school district.  One didn’t have space for the boy.  So on and so on.

Every week I would send a list of potentials to the realtor and we would visit…always coming up a little short.  One day I sent her a listing that had been on the market for a little over a month, “why haven’t we looked at this one?”. Neither of us had a clue.  It was in the school district, two bedroom duplex with a basement, two baths, small yard and super clean.  Almost as soon as we got in the door I knew I would be making an offer.  My daughter joined us shortly after and when asked what she thought she said “IT’S A 10”.  That meant, make an offer.  Now…just because I think everyone needs to understand why I believe the things I do, I’m going to tell you what I was telling my realtor the whole time.  “Carmen, I’ll find it a week before the closing.”  She laughed, but as it got closer she would tell me that she was beginning to believe me.  I put the offer in on the house and after 2 days of negotiating the offer was accepted and they were willing and able to close the same day as mine.  This was one week before the closing on my house.  Don’t doubt me people, I know my shit.

Everything was a go…until the buyers had more issues with their loan.  Now we were looking at somewhere in January.  Fuck. I’m going to have to spend another Christmas if this fucking house.  I’m going to have to spend New Years in this fucking house.  Ugh….I’m going to lose MY house.  This is where it get’s tough, and where you have got to have fucking faith that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to…and not the way you want them too.

Not only were my sellers cooperative, but everything was FINALLY falling into place.  We had a REAL closing date, both scheduled on the same day.  Even though we did not get to spend Christmas in the new place, or New Years…there was a sweet perk to closing after the first of the year.  Apparently when a home is held by a senior, they get a lock on their taxes so they don’t go up. This is assessed every year.  Every January.  Even though I am NOT a senior I get to benefit from that for the whole year.  My taxes will stay the same as the previous owner for the first year.  See…that’s how this fucking shit works.

This was going to turn out to an even bigger blessing than I originally thought, because after just one month in my new home I found myself unemployed. Jesus grab the wheel cause this girl is going to crash hard.

I guess this is where I should have been committed to the psych ward, because just when I was feeling like it was ok to exhale and relax, it wasn’t. Not even fucking close.

****More hokey shit****

When we bought our first home waaaaay back when I was just a baby (ok l I was 22), I said we would be in that house for 5 years.

Year 5 we moved and bought a bigger place just in time to find out I was preggers with baby blessing number one.  I said we would be in that house for 10 years.

At the 10 year mark I was settled into it and thought it would be ok to stay longer. The place fit, I felt relaxed (sort of anyway, for someone who was depressed and failing at marriage).  That was when the In Laws decided to move away and sell their house and when the hubs thought it was a brilliant idea to fucking buy his childhood home.  Fuck.

After the months and months of crying over moving into this house I was starting to feel like I had to embrace this hole as a stepping stone to a better life, I said 7 years.

3 years later I was divorced.  At year 7 I had been divorced for 4 years, in a shitty job, in a not so good relationship and there was no way I was getting out of there.  WTF??? Where did this 7 year commitment come from??? How the fuck can I be right soooo often only to come up short this time???

By the time I moved out I realized that I had been in that house as a single parent for exactly 7 years.

BOOM.  That’s insane right???? Hahaha…yeah, I told you to trust me.

So I’m sure you are wondering…how long in this new house?  As of today I still don’t have a clue.  Nothing is coming to me, not a single nudge.  I have a few theories on why that is, but right now, this post is long as shit.

What a beautiful world this can be

May is almost over…and so is (almost) all the shit that has been driving me crazy lately.  My son graduated high school last weekend.  Seriously, I still look at him and remember when he graduated preschool.  Oh my has he grown.  What was most beautiful about his graduation was his joy.  He had a smile that just lights me up…I want to see more of that.

His graduation party was a success….again, too see a young man who was happy and smiling.  I couldn’t ask for more.  However, I was grateful to have a house full of wonderful people.  Former coworkers, new coworker, old friends, new friends, family I haven’t seen in way to long.  The day was beautiful, and the house was filled with laughter and joy.  There is a long standing joke with my friends about how the weather always goes south when I plan out-door events.  Not this time.  I’m going to say that my shift in attitude may have played a huge role in that…for had I stayed in the darkness, the rain would undoubtedly come.

A few weeks ago I was reminded that I needed (desperately) to let go of doubt and worry.  So I did.  What happened was that the little twitch in my eye went away, and good things started falling into place.  Things were finally aligning in a good way….because I was able to embrace the good and let go of the bad thoughts.  What you think about, you bring about.  I was tired of waking up every morning filled with doubt and gloom.  That is a choice, just like choosing to wake up with a grateful heart.

It isn’t as though the next few months are not going to come with challenges.  In just a few short weeks we will be on the fast track to  getting my son ready to go away to college.  There is no way for me to truly express how excited I am for him…and how hard it is for me to grasp this new phase of his life, and mine.  No matter what, I will bring to this coming “adventure” (my son tells me I use that word incorrectly too much, ha!) with a positive and grateful attitude.  He has opportunities ahead of him I wish I had taken advantage of when I was 18, but then if I had, he may not have been one of my greatest blessings.  I’m not sure how I’m going to handle not being able to see his face everyday.  Knowing that he’s not just behind his bedroom door…annoyed at me for popping in.  I am blessed, elated and trying to manage the little bit of fear and loss that will surly stir once he is gone.

Even though I attribute May to having been a busy and highly emotional month for me….there is still a lot of work to be done over these next few months.  Time to buckle down and get my ass back in alignment with my plans.   I gave myself a break in order to deal with the self inflicted emotional rollercoaster I was on, and now it’s time to get back to the real work.  Cleaning up and clearing out.  That includes fear, doubt, worry as well as physical clutter.  It also means focusing more on moving to a better place for work and relationships.

The challenges are not over…and it is a blessing that they never will be.  What is over is allowing negative emotions and thoughts to overshadow those challenges.  I’m moving forward with a renewed sense of purpose and gratitude….and that is how I will face each new challenge.  Even if that challenge is simply to NOT give in to the pesky dark voices that whisper in my ear “You’re not going to make it.”

Yes I am, asshole.  Yes I am.

Managing myself…and all my stupid baggage.

I’m still regrouping from my recent polar plunge into the icy cold pool of doubt and worry.  Still sitting on the edge of the pool with a towel wrapped tightly around me dangling my feet in.  Deep inside of me is a very strong, capable women screaming at me to get the fuck up, change into something dry and move the fuck on.  I’m humming so I can pretend like I don’t hear her.  Truth is, I’m waiting…waiting for another reason to throw myself back in, and it seems easier to stay in my cold wet clothes, then get dressed and proclaim “nice try mother-fuckers!”.

So, how are you doing?  Haha…I’m about one spilled glass of milk away from completely losing my shit.  How are you?

All my life I’ve been able to put on a happy face, pretend like things are going good, and eventually find myself in a better place.  People have told me how strong I am…but I’m really just faking it.  Doesn’t seem to make much sense wallowing in all the pain and discomfort of my current situation, when I can fake a little strength, until I actually have some. If you see me…please don’t ask me how I’m doing.  There is something in that particular phrase that seems to make my entire foundation crumble.  Twice, when asked, I nearly started crying.  Maybe that’s what I need to do…release a little pent up emotion. I’m really not going to do it in front of some unsuspecting soul or in a public place.  When I’m in the right place to let go…nothing happens.  Shit.

Lessons and opportunities.

There has been a lot of discussions in my home lately about learning lessons.  I’ve tried to express how little we learn when everything is going right.  Most often, we learn the most when everything is completely fucked up.  You’ll never really know how capable you are, till you have to dig your way out of a situation you didn’t really want to be in to start with.  My son is about to go to college…he’s lived a rather cushy life up till now.  I’m excited for him to learn and grow as a person, not just a student.  He’s not nearly as excited though…perhaps, someday he will appreciate being thrown into life, somewhat ill-equipped but with me there to have his back.  I will remain hopeful.

Give me a break.

I really really really just want to go get a mani/pedi…and a massage.  There is this practical snotty little bitch who thinks that I  should get the dirty work I need to do done first…so I don’t just mess up my nails.  She’s kind of right…but fuck her.  Ugh…just one more week,maybe two…so push through and you’ll be glad you did.  Dammit dammit dammit.  Ok.

Stop being a stubborn asshole…ask for help when you need it, take it when it’s offered.

I think I can be a wee bit stubborn sometimes.  Haha…that is really an understatement.  The trouble I have with asking for help, is that too often people just don’t help. People don’t seem to have the time, or willingness to help me out when I ask. This is nothing new, this has been a long cycle for me, so I’ve learned to not ask.  I’ll figure it out on my own, don’t worry about it.  Accepting help…well that one hurts.  This is my mess, I’ll clean it up.  I don’t need anyone swooping in to rescue me…I got this.  Except, that I don’t always, and I find it hard to admit.

Give yourself some credit.

For the love of all that his sacred in this world woman give yourself a little more credit.  All the shit that is going on right now is completely and totally manageable.  You are a force.  You are capable of getting through this if only you will just cut yourself some slack. No one said you had to do it all by yourself, and no one said you had to do it perfectly. You do that to yourself and now it’s time to knock it the fuck off.  Stop being like all those crazy fuckers who cry when the world doesn’t go according to plan.  You know life doesn’t go as planned and you know that you are happier when you stop for a moment and see everything that is right in the world.  Your world is right in so many ways because of your unwillingness to let the shit drag you under and keep you there.  You don’t need a champion, you are a champion!  No one needs to give you a pat on the back and tell you that you are doing ok…you know you are, and you can pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high five and get on doing what you are capable of doing.

Ok ok…I’m slowly and painfully pulling myself out of this shit.  One more step forward…I think I’ll go put some dry clothes on now.

Shut up inner voice…you’re drunk, and we all know drunk=truth.

The last few weeks have been some what of a blur.  I’m reeling and I don’t see an end to it any time soon.

Last weekend, my son turned 18! OMG!  I’m not really sure how that happened…I mean really, didn’t I just bring this beautiful baby boy home from the hospital?  Wasn’t it just last week he was crawling around on the floor? Couldn’t have been that long ago he was learning to walk, cuddling with me on the couch reading books and watching Blue’s Clues.  How on earth did he turn 18??

So I did what every parent does in these situations…I pulled out his baby books.  Damn he was a cute chubby ball of sweetness.  Did I take full advantage of all those years?  They seem like such a blur, and yet in an instant I can still remember what it felt like to hold that baby in my arms, nursing him, enjoying those sweet moments making him laugh and cuddling.  Now he’s a man.  There is a part of me that would like a do-over.  Give me those years back.  Give me another chance to appreciate even more how lucky I was.  I’m sure I could have done a better job….loving him and appreciating the time.

I can’t get that time back, so I must move forward.  Which means getting him ready to go to college.  Sometimes when I stop and really think about that I want to just pass out.  WTF?  Not only do I have to come to the realization that my baby isn’t a baby, but now I have to send him away to college???  I’m not ready.  Not that I have a choice, but could time please please just slow down a little? Pretty please?

If that wasn’t enough to make a mother lose her shit completely…I have the other child who is currently taking drivers ed.  I’m pretty sure I should have a standing appointment with my colorist cause all this shit is making me feel like my grey hairs are multiplying faster. She’s so excited about this phase of her life and I am terrified as well as excited for her.  How on earth did she go from climbing out of her crib (forever the escape artist) to learning to drive.  I must have blinked too long cause this can’t really be happening…can it.

What I have come to learn, and am trying to accept, is that as a parent raising children, my time is short.  One already on his way out…the other quickly behind.  In just three years, I will no longer be raising children.  I will have done all that I can and sent them off into the world.  This isn’t fair.  Honestly I’m not ready.  Isn’t anyone listening???

I’m working on accepting.

You would think that all that would be enough to keep my mind occupied and off other topics.  It’s not.

The other thing I have to start accepting is that I’m not as positive as I think I am.  Yes, I’m the person who can take any situation and find the brighter side.  I’ve learned that not getting something means either something better is on the way or I just need to refocus my appreciation on to what I already have.   No matter how positive I am on the outside, no matter how much I tell myself things are good and things will get better.  It’s the little voice that comes from deep within that reveals that I am stuck in a negative state.

Example. When I moved into my current home, I knew it was going to be a stepping stone to a better life.  I wasn’t going to be stuck here it was just a place of transition.  Over the last few months I’ve started to accept that in just a few years I will be able to walk away from here and go on my own path.  With that came a sense of peace.  I started cleaning out the clutter of my old life so to be ready to step out when the time comes.  For the most part, I’m excited at this prospect.  For the first time in my life, where I live will be MY choice.  It’s exciting…but.

When there is a quiet moment resentment creeps in.  I’m going to lose money of this house.  I don’t want to invest any more into it.  I’m never going to get out of it what I should. There is no way I’m going to be able to sell this house for what I bought it for let alone the $80K plus that’s been put into it.  It’s HIS fault.  I never wanted this house in the first place. Why the hell did I have to get stuck with this shit hole money pit??? It’s not fair.

Yeah…that resentment.  That pity…that’s my truth.  I can sugar coat and tell myself all the positive things I want, but that negative mindset is driven deep.  That is what is going to have to change.  Not the frilly outside, but the cold hard core.

Then there’s the employment situation.  I keep on telling myself that the Universe has a plan.  Every week I apply and apply to jobs all over the place.  Every day I go to work, knowing that my time there is coming to an end and that I will soon be moving on.  Then, I’ll have a moment where the negative voices sneak in.  You aren’t qualified for anything better.  You’ll never find anything that will really support you.  You are always going to be working for assholes and never get out of the gutter.

OH COME ON!!!!  Really??? For fuck’s sake, I’ve dug my way out of more shit than I should have.  Pulled myself up and out over and over and after all that…the deep truth is I still don’t believe I’m good enough??? Arrrggghhhh.

Love. One day, you will find that beautiful love that you’ve always dreamed of.  Get yourself into a good place and have faith…it’s coming.  Ha! Relax for a moment and here comes that voice of doubt.  You are a fool. True love is not in the cards for you sweetheart…You are a silly little girl with dreams of a happily ever after that just isn’t going to happen.

After finally and painfully coming to the conclusion that anything worthwhile with the hunky stallion was never going to happen…he stepped up.  I wasn’t putting too much faith in it, but he’s been making an effort.  After months back online with a new attitude, and fielding all the same bullshit offers, I decided to shut them all down again.  I’m not saying that is because I think the H.S. are going to be The One, but if all I’m attracting to myself are guys offering nothing more than to physical pleasure, and the one’s that would seem to be relationship material don’t pan out, why not just accept what I have at the moment and let go of the rest.  It’s been more disappointment than anything else.

I know, I have a lot to be grateful for.  I also know, things could be a lot worse.  Things will get better.  What I have to do is believe all of that to my core…my deepest subconscious.  It’s not enough to say the right thing or pretend that I’m ok…I have to start doing the real work.  I have to change the internal voice because that is what is holding me back.  At this moment, I’m not sure how to do that.  There has to be a way to get down there where the core belief is and shift it to what is on the surface.

Truth is, in this moment, I’m having a hard time believing that I can do that.  However, I know that if I don’t, I’ll be keeping myself stuck forever.  It’s like decorating a house with a foundation that’s crumbling.  If I don’t fix the inner truth, the foundation for my being, all I’ll be doing is setting myself for more heartbreak and failure.   Having a positive attitude is not the same as having a positive belief.

Meditation seems to be a recurring message lately.  Time to listen to the messages the Universe is sending me and stop pretending like I don’t hear them.  If I want change, then I have to stop doing what I’ve been doing.  I have to stop just getting by on faith alone and start doing the hard work to make a difference.  No amount of surface work is going to make a difference if what’s really underneath is giant messy ball of bullshit.

How that’s going to manifest it’self is unclear, but I’m tired of those negative voices in my head.  It’s time to dig in and get my hands dirty.  Nothing is going to change unless you do.

Remembering where I was…trying to get a little of it back.

Just going through my old blog. Seems that I was a much more open writer then. I didn’t know anyone who was reading and I was free to express myself completely without worrying about facing anyone.
I don’t like censoring myself. I don’t feel like I’m being genuine. I read those old posts and I can feel every bit of emotion in them. I need to get back to that. Get back to being real.
Anyway, here is one originally posted in August 2010.

Divorce…holy fuck! I’m divorced!

I’m sorry…I just had to get that out. I have a drunken sailor living deep inside me and he’s been cussing up a storm. At some point I have to let him out…let him express the deep and confusing feelings I keep locked up inside. Well, ok, it’s not my feelings he’s actually expressing, but sometimes I really just want to let loose with the profanity and make even the truck drivers blush….

Pity party? Maybe. Sometimes there just seems to be no real solid definition to how I’m feeling. I think at times I’m doing really good…and then without warning I think I am SO not doing well. These feelings were described recently to me by my counselor as something along the line of Sophomore/ish. I am longing for the carefree attitude of a young girl, but desire the stability and strength of being a mature woman. I am in between these two worlds…struggling from side to side at any given moment. Sea sick is how I feel most days.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I do NOT regret for one single moment, my decision to get a divorce. As hard as it is sometimes….I still believe that it was the best decision for all involved. What I do miss…someone to fix the shit around here. Ugh. Really…it feels like things are falling apart on purpose, just to piss me off (or make me more confident). Break light out, water softener empty, water filters expired, pool green (again), lawn mower making funny noises, week whacker out of string, tree limbs overgrown, over-sized weeds taking over….and the list goes on and on…I really just miss someone here who did it…Now that person is me, and sometimes, I just want to drop to the floor and throw an old fashioned temper tantrum. Really…what the hell is the toilet doing now??? For the love of all that is good…can you please give me a break.

Deep down, I know what’s going on. LIFE. Yep, life is going on and I must go on with it. Each time one of these, er, little things go bad, I find myself taking care of it. Just in the last week, I changed my own break light, replaced the furnace filter and filled up the water softener. Today, it’s tackling the green pool. Ugh. What happens each time I accomplish one of these projects, is that I gain a little more confidence. Mind you, it’s not that I think I can’t do it…I know I can…it’s just that I never really had to. Now, I have no choice.

One of the things my mother told my ex husband, just shortly after he moved into his own place, was that (in her mind) I needed to suffer. Sometimes I think, ok…have I suffered enough??? Suffering is not what I’m doing…I’m whining…a little. That’s it. None of this stupid little shit has broken me yet…and the way I see it, I’m getting stronger and stronger every single day. A little part of me wants to rub it in her face…just a little. I know that living a good happy life is truly the best way to handle people who wish you ill…So, I think I’ll just continue getting stronger, and being happy.

The next step for me, is to truly accept being alone. That nagging little voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering to me that I NEED to have a man in my life. Excuse me for a moment but Shut The Fuck UP already!!! Geez. Really! I do NOT need to have someone in my life. I HAD someone in my life for over 17 years…THAT is not what I need. I need at this moment to be happy and alone! Enjoy spending a little time getting to know myself…Getting a handle on those stupid things that keep trying to drag me down. THAT is what I need to do.

So that is what I’m working on. That, and remembering to put chemicals in the pool BEFORE it turns green…cause I really really hate cleaning the pool. Especially when it’s 90+ degrees…and I want to swim in it. Oh and cooking…for me, not to please someone else. I have a book full of recipes that I haven’t even tried. Time to open up my life to Myself.

I think it will be a nice journey…