Tag Archives: find peace

Don’t Stop Believing…Hold on to that fe-e-eling

Gratitude! Finally…Things are starting to look a little better. Honestly, what is really happening is that I am looking at things a little better.

I am a firm believer that you get what you expect from life, even if you don’t want to think you do.  When you walk around bemoaning life and circumstances, you get more things to keep you down.  If  you are willing  to look at life in an optimistic way, truly be optimistic to your core, see the good that is around you, you will have more good things to see.  Even if it’s as simple as being grateful for matching socks.

It’s not that I had forgotten that. I did allow myself to succumb to the less that pleasant moments and circumstances.  Yesterday I came across two videos that reminded me that I have more control over my life than I’m sometimes willing to admit.  I cannot control the asshole who thinks only of himself and is unable to appreciate what I am doing.  I do not have any control over anything or anyone outside of me.  What I do have control of is what is inside of me and how I feel about those things outside of me.  As much as I would love for there to be peace, love and compassion with everyone is my life…I can only create those things within myself.  I can show them peace, love and compassion and not expect to receive it in return.

Since I’ve loosened up my grip on all the unpleasant shit that’s been going on, things have started to show up to reaffirm my better attitude.  Little things, but each and every one of them has been acknowledged and accepted with a full and grateful heart.  This is how I keep that ball rolling.  Gratitude, for even the little things.  Case in point, thinking the item I was returning was the $9.95 item when in fact it was the $34.95 one (yes I should know what each item was, but whatever)!  Having warm weather and no rain on my son’s graduation…and allowing me to wear the kick ass dress I bought.  Finding just the right outfit for the boy, and him finding the dress shoes he already had.

These are not life altering events…or at least not on the surface.  Feeling grateful for each of these little things helps to align yourself with more things to be grateful for.  Which in turn, can most definitely be life altering.  This lesson has been shown to me over and over and over again, I’ve mentioned it before…and I know it is truth.  So much so, that those videos I watched reaffirm these truths, because when you ask to be shown, it will be shown to you.  Your truth…not what you hope to be true.  That’s a point too many of us fail to accept.

There is an underlying deep belief in me that everything will work out.  When I hold on to that, redirect myself to that truth when I’m feeling overwhelmed, the Universe delivers.  I know there are a lot of people out there that do not believe this, and I’m sure I can’t convince a lot of them with just my words…but that’s ok, my life and the “luck” some people think I have, is tied directly to this truth.

So, next time I’m lying awake feeling overwhelmed and broken…I will bring myself back to gratitude for all the little things that are right.  I will embrace it with every fiber of my being.  This, and this alone, will pull me out of the darkness and back on the path to the life I am blessed to have.

 

 

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One thing I know about myself

I really am all about trying to figure shit out. Not just with other people, but with myself as well. I’m a work in progress and I truly am trying to learn why I do the things I do and feel the things I feel. Sometimes I don’t like what I find out…sometimes I surprise myself. Whatever the situation, I’ve learned to figure out where I’m coming from…or at the very least try.

For years I’ve know that as soon as I admit something out loud, I’m nearly project myself in the direction to changing that thing. Now, whatever it is can linger in my brain for years…and there have been many of those things. However, as soon as I express that thought or conflict, out loud, it’s like I’ve opened a magic door that leads to motivation. It’s weird. I’ve know this a while too. Yet, I still allow things to stay up in my head torturing myself with the what if’s and the poor me’s.

Speak your truth. I heard that somewhere…actually I heard it several times. It’s not to hard to figure out and it’s pretty simple. The part that trips me up is the speaking part. I know my truth. I’m honest about myself, and mostly TO myself. What is unfortunate is that I stay wrapped up in the mental bullshit of whatever my truth is at the time and I end up frustrated and sleepless.

When I finally get the nerve to say out loud what I’m feeling there is a lightness that emerges. It kind of feels like that good long stretch in the morning where you wake up your whole body after being still for so long. My muscles relax and my mind stops chattering. Why don’t I just do that shit to begin with instead of letting it clog up my head for so long? I’m an idiot. Well, I’m not really and idiot but I am a little stubborn. I like to play this game with myself where I forget everything I’ve ever learned about myself and try to wing it. Maybe THIS time will be different. Oh how I make myself laugh sometimes.

Saying something to someone puts you in a vulnerable position. I get that, and that isn’t always easy. There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable…it’s actually quite refreshing. How the other person receives what you say is completely out of your control, but that’s not the point. If you are speaking your truth, out loud, to the person you need to speak it too…how they receive the message is not as important as you may think. You can’t control them, but if your are being genuine it will all be ok. I’ve learned that too…even though I try to pretend I haven’t.

So I did it. I spoke my truth…there you go now you have it and now my mind is at peace. It was given to you without any expectation, just truth. I’m not sure what will eventually come of it, but for now I feel lighter having said it and released it from my exhausted brain. It was received, it was not rejected…and it is free.

That wasn’t so hard. Whew…

Let it go..

I have finally come to the conclusion that I’ve done enough whining and wallowing in my own discomfort. I’m tire of talking about him and about how I feel and about what I want and what I’m not getting.  Enough is enough already.  I’ve been giving all of this way too much attention.  It’s not like I haven’t been here before…in a way.

The other day I felt like I was just crawling out of my skin…another sleepless night thinking about what I’m missing in my life.  Fuck, I’m so damn tired of it I’m making myself sick.  I’m done with it.  A friend asked what was up…I said I had spent too much time alone.  Where did my mind go?   Doesn’t matter anymore…I’m done giving it my time and attention.  This had got to stop somewhere, somehow and I’m the only one in the driver seat.  So it’s time to put the breaks on.

I know that the more I focus on the lack of things I want…the more things to lack I will come to find.  There comes a point where I have to realize that in order for anything at all to change, I have to change what I’m focused on.  Time over time this lesson has come to light, and each time it turns around.  Stop already with the poor me.  Start with the HELL YEAH!  I’m a rockstar…in my own mind, lol.  I know that I can do most anything, even live with out some things.   For now, it’s ok to be without the companionship of the hunky stallion…or any man for that matter.  I’m not going to shrivel up and die if I don’t have a man in my life, this I know for sure.  The men…they come and they go, but they always come back again.

I’ve got some things I’ve been putting off.  Nothing important or life altering, but things on my to do list that need some attention.  Too much time has been spent sitting around waiting for life to happen for me, and I’ve missed out on happening to life.  That sucks. Life is going to keep moving whether I do or no…so moving I shall do.  At the end of it all I will be able to look back and say “good job you sexy beast you…good job”.

Be prepared for the Universe to open a path….make sure you’ve got the right shoes on too!

Divorce

Let me start off by making something perfectly clear. I am NOT an advocate for divorce. I think divorce sucks.  However…I am a huge advocate for listening to your gut, and knowing what is the right thing to do. Not just for you…but for everyone involved.

My decision to get a divorce was not a selfish one. It took many years to finally come to terms that the relationship my husband and I had was not a healthy one, and was not making either one of us, or our children happy.  I cannot control him. I cannot make him love me the way I want, support me when I need it or make me his top priority.  Nor, can I give him what he wants or needs…when he himself isn’t sure of what that is.
If I had been more aware when I was 20, I would have seen the signs of a doomed relationship…but I am a romantic.  Ok, it was not “romance” that drew me to him..it was simple conditioning. I was drawn to what I knew.  After I started counseling…and when I really began to start looking for solutions to my problems, not excuses, I truly felt that I was going to be able to make my marriage work.  As a matter of fact, when things started coming out and truths that had been concealed were finally out in the open, I romantically believed with all my heart that our relationship had no where to go but up.  I remember standing in my front room crying and thinking to myself “finally it’s all out there.  Everything is out in the open.  Now things will finally get better.”  That was hopeful thinking.  Despite the problems in my marriage…the bad emotions I felt, the guilt the anger the frustration…I really didn’t want to get a divorce. I truly honestly wanted to be able to work through our issues, and come together as a strong loving couple.  For a while, I really thought that was the case…and for a short period, it seemed like we were on the right track.
It wasn’t until a minor incident that the truth of the matter came out. He was NOT being honest with me. He was harboring his own negativity, doubts and frustration towards me. For whatever reason, he just could not understand how I could have done the things I had done, felt the way I felt…wanted the things I wanted.  No matter how many times I explained.  It was not getting through. Although he was “playing along” he was really harboring a lot of pain, and he just did not trust me.

Here’s the thing.  I can’t blame him.  It would be easy to say, he just didn’t love me enough or he wasn’t trying…or he didn’t want to understand.  Maybe.  Of course, it could also be, he just didn’t know how.  That was something I learned through counseling.  We all have our shit…we all have our stories that make us who we are, where we came from.  Every one of us.  I cannot help him. There was nothing that I could say or do that was going to make the story in his head change.  I wish I could have. He’s got his issues…and they are HIS not mine.

So, despite my efforts, I could not make him be the man I needed him to be.  He could not make me the woman he wanted me to be.  We were different.  We were just not meant for each other.  Love or not, it wasn’t going to work.
That is not to say that your story has the same fate.  I’m a big believer that if you truly want to make things work…things will work.  In the case of marriage, it has to be two people working together.  There is no healthy way for it to be one sided.

I was doing my best to be happy with the life I had.  I could not make him happy. So in the end, I had to make the decision to let him go. Give myself a chance to be myself and fulfill my own hopes, and give him the same opportunity.