Tag Archives: having faith

Allowing myself to exhale…

I love going back and reading things I’ve written in the past.  Even more so when you realize that your life is so much better than it was.  I am still making mistakes, but different ones. I still have doubts and insecurities and dreams that aren’t very different from those of the last few years, but I’ve also been committed, optimistic, frequently more in control and well…that shit has paid off.

The other day I was sitting on the couch and looking around my new place…still thinking about what I could do with this or that, imagining how much nicer it will be once the walls are finished and the new fan goes up…admiring the little touches I’ve added.  It hit me that I still can’t believe I finally got out of the old place.  Nearly the entire 10 years I was there were spent in turmoil. I debated back and forth constantly over trying to make it my own and dumping and running away from it as fast as I could.  There was fear of course.  Where would I go? Would I even be able to afford to move? What if I moved and hated the new place even more? Is it fair to my kids to stay somewhere I don’t want to be or take them from a place they call home? Am I going to make a grown-up decision all on my own and have it turn out to be ok??  What if it’s not ok??

With all the work I do and all the proof that I’ve enjoyed in my life, I still get scared.  Still, although it sometimes takes me a while, I do take that faithful leap into the unknown…and most often land on my feet.  Right now, I’m on my feet yet still immersed in a little disbelief that I finally did it. I have my first home, bought on my own, decorated exactly the way I like it.  The quote on the wall about finding time for the things that make you feel happy, to the pictures and books on the shelves, the sparkly wall and the cow picture…it’s all mine.  I do not have the exact life I would have hoped for in the beginning of my new single life journey, however I am able to recognize that not only am I in a good place, it still has room to grow.  I am not stymied by my situation, and I am incredibly thankful for that.

There are times I find myself avoiding any down time for fear of falling back into old pattern of bullshit mental talk.  I can vividly remember too many days in the laundry room thinking about how I should have done this or that, or reliving conversations trying desperately to understand what the fuck happened or how I could have made a different ending, or preparing myself for future encounters so that I could be more in control and ready.  There was too much quiet time spent beating myself up, or crying over stupid shit, or just plain being afraid of never having a life worth a shit and wondering if I had made a serious mistake. Grrrr, I hated that laundry room.  I also hated the sleepless nights unable to turn my brain off wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

That doesn’t happen anymore. I have found some peace that I embrace with every molecule in my body.  I am grateful for it every single day. I know too, there is nothing wrong with me…there never really was, there were just wrong choices I needed to come to terms with.  Of course, there are still things to work on. I’m still growing…and that’s a good thing.  There are also still challenges…I’m ok with those too.  Who wants a boring old life where nothing ever happens to shake things up and get you out of our comfort zone.  From the looks of it, there are a lot of people like that, it’s a shame.  Challenges and setbacks are beautiful gifts we should all welcome and embrace. They are the catalysts to greater lives and there is just no way to get there without them.

The Stallion and I are growing together too.  Our relationship has blossomed into something quite beautiful.  Reading post after post about how it was time to let him go and how it was never going to be anything more than a casual encounter gives me a little twinge of pain in my chest. I know that if I had been more mature, more self-confident I would have walked away…but honestly I’m glad I stuck it out.  He is just another reason for me to be grateful every day.

My boy has started his first job, and come to terms with the fact that his choice of college major isn’t working out for him.  He’s going to take classes at a local college for a year and re-asses what he wants to do moving forward.  It’s a mixed emotional rollercoaster for the both of us, but we’re both playing it pretty cool.

The girl is making a list of colleges she wants to visit and we have our first official road trip scheduled in a few weeks.  We are going to take a couple of days to visit Memphis because she’s a bit of a music geek, I’m a super cool mom…and I’m going to miss the hell out of her when she goes away.

Life just doesn’t stop moving…and we along with it.  So be thankful for the good and bad times, acknowledge the lessons in both and give yourself some credit.  We’re all doing the best we can and it’s never wrong to give ourselves credit where credit is due.  Life is beautiful….it’s OK to exhale.

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And then it was done

It was the best of times…it was the worst of times.

Well, maybe not that dramatic, but working for a psychopath has its ups and downs.

I knew after the first week I was there that it was not the place for me.  Although I have had a lifetime of experience with narcissists this guy took it to a whole new level. That coupled with the fact that I needed to be collecting a paycheck, made it that much harder to just up and leave.  I wanted and need out like never before. In everything there is a lesson…I was going to have to hold on to that for 3 whole fucking years.

This is another of those situations where one moment I had complete faith in the Universe to provide so I jumped in with both feet, then the next I freeze and become “responsible”.  Which really is just another word for scared.  Instead of walking away from a horrible situation, I tried to reason with myself that this was meant to be. There is a lesson here I need to accept.  You deserve this shit.  Anything but have faith in myself, and in the Universe.  So, I stayed, while it ate at me every day.

There were times when I would apply my fucking heart out…then peter out because it seemed like there was no hope in site.  However, I never really gave up.  After I had my fill of the insanity I dug my heels in and with the help of my friends, applied to anywhere and everywhere in hopes to find something that would get me out of that place.

At one point I was reaching out to everyone I had applied to in an effort to see if there was a chance to get an interview. Someone responded…then nothing.  A few weeks later I sent another request and got that interview scheduled.  Sort of long story short, I got the job!!! Close to home, small growing company, better pay and better hours.  I was like having my prayers answered, and I was being rewarded for either putting up with 3 years of bullshit or for my persistence.  Either way, I was on my way out, and I was going to do it my way.

People have quit this place before.  I have seen them be humiliated, shamed and abused during the process. I have listened to lie after lie about why they left, how they were the problem to begin with…after 2 years one guy was still on the shit list and the boss still took every opportunity to bring him up and talk shit.  I was NOT going to subject myself to that.

After I got the offer on the new job, I picked my quit date.  It was going to be a Saturday when I would be the only one in the office, one therapist, and NO big boss.  This was going to take almost two weeks.  I was going to go out on MY terms, without notice and with my head held high.  So, I wrote (with the help of the internet) a professional letter of resignation, explaining that for personal reasons, I would not be giving any notice, but that I knew my co-workers would be able to handle things in my absence.

Needless to say, I was nervous, and yet exhilarated by the thought that after all the abuse, the belittlement, the condensation and negativity I was finally going to be able to walk away.  On that Saturday I showed up to work and did my job as usual.  When it came time to leave, I took my name plate, office key and letter of resignation and put it on the assistant manager’s desk.  I gathered up all my personal items, said goodbye to the therapist still there and sent an update to the assistant manager, manager and big boss on the happenings of the day.  I closed with, please check your email for my letter of resignation.

BOOM!

I left.  Walked out.  Flipped off the building and made my way home.  OOOOHHHHHH….I wonder what they all must be thinking. I’m sure that it was seconds before they were checking their emails and calling each other with a WTF????

The manager tried to call, she was worried about me. I was not falling for that shit.  Then she emailed.  I said I was fine, and that due to personal reasons, this is how it had to be.  I gave no explanation.

When I got my final paycheck, I noticed that my vacation pay was not included.  Being prepared for this (because I know who the fuck I’m dealing with) I sent an email asking when I could expect it.   This is when I was told that is was a use it or lose it policy and that since I gave no notice and would not talk to them that they would not be honoring that.  HA. Bitch, please…I was ready for this exact response.

I sent a follow up email advising that I had read through the office policies, and there was no mention of not receiving unused vacation upon termination.  I also sent an excerpt and link to the Illinois dept of labor outlining that I did indeed have a right to that money.  I clicked send. The email was returned….Send again, returned again.  Apparently, my email was flagged for spam.  OOOhhhhh, they are funny, but they totally underestimate me.  So, I sent it through an alternate email, explaining that if I did not receive the vacation pay earned that I would be filing a complaint with the DOL and including this email along with the rejected effort marked as spam.

“Fine. It’s not worth arguing about.”

That was that…I got my money and was able to put that fucker and his insane business practice behind me once and for all!!!!

Woot woot.

On to a better life…for a while anyway.