Tag Archives: intuition

Allowing myself to exhale…

I love going back and reading things I’ve written in the past.  Even more so when you realize that your life is so much better than it was.  I am still making mistakes, but different ones. I still have doubts and insecurities and dreams that aren’t very different from those of the last few years, but I’ve also been committed, optimistic, frequently more in control and well…that shit has paid off.

The other day I was sitting on the couch and looking around my new place…still thinking about what I could do with this or that, imagining how much nicer it will be once the walls are finished and the new fan goes up…admiring the little touches I’ve added.  It hit me that I still can’t believe I finally got out of the old place.  Nearly the entire 10 years I was there were spent in turmoil. I debated back and forth constantly over trying to make it my own and dumping and running away from it as fast as I could.  There was fear of course.  Where would I go? Would I even be able to afford to move? What if I moved and hated the new place even more? Is it fair to my kids to stay somewhere I don’t want to be or take them from a place they call home? Am I going to make a grown-up decision all on my own and have it turn out to be ok??  What if it’s not ok??

With all the work I do and all the proof that I’ve enjoyed in my life, I still get scared.  Still, although it sometimes takes me a while, I do take that faithful leap into the unknown…and most often land on my feet.  Right now, I’m on my feet yet still immersed in a little disbelief that I finally did it. I have my first home, bought on my own, decorated exactly the way I like it.  The quote on the wall about finding time for the things that make you feel happy, to the pictures and books on the shelves, the sparkly wall and the cow picture…it’s all mine.  I do not have the exact life I would have hoped for in the beginning of my new single life journey, however I am able to recognize that not only am I in a good place, it still has room to grow.  I am not stymied by my situation, and I am incredibly thankful for that.

There are times I find myself avoiding any down time for fear of falling back into old pattern of bullshit mental talk.  I can vividly remember too many days in the laundry room thinking about how I should have done this or that, or reliving conversations trying desperately to understand what the fuck happened or how I could have made a different ending, or preparing myself for future encounters so that I could be more in control and ready.  There was too much quiet time spent beating myself up, or crying over stupid shit, or just plain being afraid of never having a life worth a shit and wondering if I had made a serious mistake. Grrrr, I hated that laundry room.  I also hated the sleepless nights unable to turn my brain off wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

That doesn’t happen anymore. I have found some peace that I embrace with every molecule in my body.  I am grateful for it every single day. I know too, there is nothing wrong with me…there never really was, there were just wrong choices I needed to come to terms with.  Of course, there are still things to work on. I’m still growing…and that’s a good thing.  There are also still challenges…I’m ok with those too.  Who wants a boring old life where nothing ever happens to shake things up and get you out of our comfort zone.  From the looks of it, there are a lot of people like that, it’s a shame.  Challenges and setbacks are beautiful gifts we should all welcome and embrace. They are the catalysts to greater lives and there is just no way to get there without them.

The Stallion and I are growing together too.  Our relationship has blossomed into something quite beautiful.  Reading post after post about how it was time to let him go and how it was never going to be anything more than a casual encounter gives me a little twinge of pain in my chest. I know that if I had been more mature, more self-confident I would have walked away…but honestly I’m glad I stuck it out.  He is just another reason for me to be grateful every day.

My boy has started his first job, and come to terms with the fact that his choice of college major isn’t working out for him.  He’s going to take classes at a local college for a year and re-asses what he wants to do moving forward.  It’s a mixed emotional rollercoaster for the both of us, but we’re both playing it pretty cool.

The girl is making a list of colleges she wants to visit and we have our first official road trip scheduled in a few weeks.  We are going to take a couple of days to visit Memphis because she’s a bit of a music geek, I’m a super cool mom…and I’m going to miss the hell out of her when she goes away.

Life just doesn’t stop moving…and we along with it.  So be thankful for the good and bad times, acknowledge the lessons in both and give yourself some credit.  We’re all doing the best we can and it’s never wrong to give ourselves credit where credit is due.  Life is beautiful….it’s OK to exhale.

Life is a little weird…but so am I

Wouldn’t it be nice if things just worked out like they were supposed to?

Well…actually they do.  What they don’t always do it work out the way WE think they are supposed to.

That is exactly what trips most of us up.  The expectation of how something is supposed to be.  Like for instance…you put your house on the market after 10 long agonizing years and 60 days of blood, sweat and tears just to get an offer within less than 48 hours with a 6 week closing date.  You feel so good knowing that by Christmas you will be in your new place, or at the very least out of this one.  You say a little thank you, panic just a little and start trying to figure out where the fuck you are going to live in 6 weeks.  Then shit happens.  There is a problem with the buyers loan, no biggie just a set back. Then there is another set back.  Now instead of being out before Christmas, you’ll be out before the end of the year.  Woot….a new year and a new place!! Honestly it’s like all the rainbows and sunshine are filling my world.

During all this we searched for a place to land.  I was not going to settle for just anything that I could afford…it was going to have to be the right place.  Being a person of faith and gut I knew that when we found it…we would know.  My daughter was not so sure.  She was starting to settle, “This one is ok.” “I could live with this.” “I don’t need to have…”.  There was no fucking way that I had waited this long only to jump into something that I was going to regret, or that would make me feel like I didn’t belong, again.  Just have faith…it’s coming. As the closing date grew closer I have to admit, I started to worry myself.  I made arrangements to rent so that we wouldn’t feel rushed to find a place.  My realtor was getting to know my preferences and we saw a lot of cute places that just were not fitting as a whole.  One had NO yard for the dog. One was out of the school district.  One didn’t have space for the boy.  So on and so on.

Every week I would send a list of potentials to the realtor and we would visit…always coming up a little short.  One day I sent her a listing that had been on the market for a little over a month, “why haven’t we looked at this one?”. Neither of us had a clue.  It was in the school district, two bedroom duplex with a basement, two baths, small yard and super clean.  Almost as soon as we got in the door I knew I would be making an offer.  My daughter joined us shortly after and when asked what she thought she said “IT’S A 10”.  That meant, make an offer.  Now…just because I think everyone needs to understand why I believe the things I do, I’m going to tell you what I was telling my realtor the whole time.  “Carmen, I’ll find it a week before the closing.”  She laughed, but as it got closer she would tell me that she was beginning to believe me.  I put the offer in on the house and after 2 days of negotiating the offer was accepted and they were willing and able to close the same day as mine.  This was one week before the closing on my house.  Don’t doubt me people, I know my shit.

Everything was a go…until the buyers had more issues with their loan.  Now we were looking at somewhere in January.  Fuck. I’m going to have to spend another Christmas if this fucking house.  I’m going to have to spend New Years in this fucking house.  Ugh….I’m going to lose MY house.  This is where it get’s tough, and where you have got to have fucking faith that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to…and not the way you want them too.

Not only were my sellers cooperative, but everything was FINALLY falling into place.  We had a REAL closing date, both scheduled on the same day.  Even though we did not get to spend Christmas in the new place, or New Years…there was a sweet perk to closing after the first of the year.  Apparently when a home is held by a senior, they get a lock on their taxes so they don’t go up. This is assessed every year.  Every January.  Even though I am NOT a senior I get to benefit from that for the whole year.  My taxes will stay the same as the previous owner for the first year.  See…that’s how this fucking shit works.

This was going to turn out to an even bigger blessing than I originally thought, because after just one month in my new home I found myself unemployed. Jesus grab the wheel cause this girl is going to crash hard.

I guess this is where I should have been committed to the psych ward, because just when I was feeling like it was ok to exhale and relax, it wasn’t. Not even fucking close.

****More hokey shit****

When we bought our first home waaaaay back when I was just a baby (ok l I was 22), I said we would be in that house for 5 years.

Year 5 we moved and bought a bigger place just in time to find out I was preggers with baby blessing number one.  I said we would be in that house for 10 years.

At the 10 year mark I was settled into it and thought it would be ok to stay longer. The place fit, I felt relaxed (sort of anyway, for someone who was depressed and failing at marriage).  That was when the In Laws decided to move away and sell their house and when the hubs thought it was a brilliant idea to fucking buy his childhood home.  Fuck.

After the months and months of crying over moving into this house I was starting to feel like I had to embrace this hole as a stepping stone to a better life, I said 7 years.

3 years later I was divorced.  At year 7 I had been divorced for 4 years, in a shitty job, in a not so good relationship and there was no way I was getting out of there.  WTF??? Where did this 7 year commitment come from??? How the fuck can I be right soooo often only to come up short this time???

By the time I moved out I realized that I had been in that house as a single parent for exactly 7 years.

BOOM.  That’s insane right???? Hahaha…yeah, I told you to trust me.

So I’m sure you are wondering…how long in this new house?  As of today I still don’t have a clue.  Nothing is coming to me, not a single nudge.  I have a few theories on why that is, but right now, this post is long as shit.

Don’t Stop Believing…Hold on to that fe-e-eling

Gratitude! Finally…Things are starting to look a little better. Honestly, what is really happening is that I am looking at things a little better.

I am a firm believer that you get what you expect from life, even if you don’t want to think you do.  When you walk around bemoaning life and circumstances, you get more things to keep you down.  If  you are willing  to look at life in an optimistic way, truly be optimistic to your core, see the good that is around you, you will have more good things to see.  Even if it’s as simple as being grateful for matching socks.

It’s not that I had forgotten that. I did allow myself to succumb to the less that pleasant moments and circumstances.  Yesterday I came across two videos that reminded me that I have more control over my life than I’m sometimes willing to admit.  I cannot control the asshole who thinks only of himself and is unable to appreciate what I am doing.  I do not have any control over anything or anyone outside of me.  What I do have control of is what is inside of me and how I feel about those things outside of me.  As much as I would love for there to be peace, love and compassion with everyone is my life…I can only create those things within myself.  I can show them peace, love and compassion and not expect to receive it in return.

Since I’ve loosened up my grip on all the unpleasant shit that’s been going on, things have started to show up to reaffirm my better attitude.  Little things, but each and every one of them has been acknowledged and accepted with a full and grateful heart.  This is how I keep that ball rolling.  Gratitude, for even the little things.  Case in point, thinking the item I was returning was the $9.95 item when in fact it was the $34.95 one (yes I should know what each item was, but whatever)!  Having warm weather and no rain on my son’s graduation…and allowing me to wear the kick ass dress I bought.  Finding just the right outfit for the boy, and him finding the dress shoes he already had.

These are not life altering events…or at least not on the surface.  Feeling grateful for each of these little things helps to align yourself with more things to be grateful for.  Which in turn, can most definitely be life altering.  This lesson has been shown to me over and over and over again, I’ve mentioned it before…and I know it is truth.  So much so, that those videos I watched reaffirm these truths, because when you ask to be shown, it will be shown to you.  Your truth…not what you hope to be true.  That’s a point too many of us fail to accept.

There is an underlying deep belief in me that everything will work out.  When I hold on to that, redirect myself to that truth when I’m feeling overwhelmed, the Universe delivers.  I know there are a lot of people out there that do not believe this, and I’m sure I can’t convince a lot of them with just my words…but that’s ok, my life and the “luck” some people think I have, is tied directly to this truth.

So, next time I’m lying awake feeling overwhelmed and broken…I will bring myself back to gratitude for all the little things that are right.  I will embrace it with every fiber of my being.  This, and this alone, will pull me out of the darkness and back on the path to the life I am blessed to have.

 

 

Knowing vs KNOWING

I am a firm believer in following your gut.  Firm.  There have been many times trusting my gut over everything else has proven to be for the best.  I have made what some might think are extremely risky choices based on what my gut has told me.  It knows more than my heart and my brain will ever be able to understand.  It’s proven that many times over. I trust it. We’re buds…

Right now, I can’t hear it.

I’m trying to listen….trying to figure out what the hell it’s trying to tell me but my fucking brain is too damn loud these days. Blah blah blah my fucking brain goes all the time.  Fear? Probably. Doubt?  Most assuredly. I just can’t seem to quiet the voices in my head long enough to hear what my gut is telling me.  It’s driving me crazy.  I’m irritable and emotional.  I want to give up, throw in the towel, hide. This has got to stop.

I know what I need to do.  It’s no secret that I need to let go.  Let go of this “need” I have.  Things are pointing me in that direction…let go of control. Let go of the need to make things a certain way. Let go of trying to understand. Let go of trying to be understood.  Just let the fuck go…of all of it.  Relax. Release.

I know this. How to actually get it done is the problem I’m having. Maybe it’s more like I’m just not wanting to be honest with myself.  Or maybe I’m afraid of the answer. For fuck’s sake.

The truth is, I don’t want to be here.  I don’t want to be in the job I’m in, the house I’m in, the town I’m in or the state I’m in.  I want to just pack up and move…get out, start over. Walk away from everything.  It’s causing me a lot of anguish.  Unfortunately, the biggest problem with just picking up and getting the fuck out is…I’m taking myself with me.  Me and all my shit.  Internal mental shit that is. I don’t actually own any shit.  It’s all stuff…you have shit, I have stuff.  Ask George Carlin…he knows. Anyway, there is a sense of understanding that if I pick up and move away, without dealing with what’s really wrong, then I’m just going to take that shit with me and end up right where I am now.  I don’t want that. Please please for the love of all that is holy in this world, I don’t want that.

It’s not the location, the job, the house…it’s me.  Me and all my bullshit.  I know this.  Still, I can’t seem to quite myself long enough to deal with any of it.  I’m sad, kind of.  I’m stuck.  That’s more like it.  Stuck and the only way to get out of it is to unlace my boots, pull my tired feet out and step the fuck away.  I know this…see, I’m not oblivious to this shit.  I know.

Maybe now, that I’m actually admitting to myself what needs to happen, I can start doing something about it.  Take some time off from thinking about it, get out of my crazy head.  Time to focus on release.  This is the perfect time to do that.

I know what needs to be done…now is the time to just start doing it.

 

I am reminded again that every moment, every encounter is a lesson.   Sometimes those lessons are not as clear as we would like.  Sometimes the lesson doesn’t reveal itself right away. Sometimes, you think you’ve got a grip on the lesson, only to learn it is something completely different.

 

This weekend I had an situation that I completely misread.  At first I believed that this was the Universe handing me chance to take advantage of a missed opportunity.  Something that I wished I had taken advantage of some time ago, but allowed self-doubt to hold me back.  So naturally when this opportunity was presented again, I jumped at the chance!  It was a comedy of errors that lead to this moment….surely it was “meant to be”.

 

I have relied on my intuition for some time, if there is something off in any situation I feel it.  Of course there have been times that I have chosen to ignore my instincts….Which usually results in solidifying my resolve to listen to that inner voice, cause it has my back always. I can’t recall a time where there wasn’t even a little warning.  I’ve gone over and over in my mind trying to figure out what I missed.  Nothing.  There was not one sign that said “Turn and run”.  I’m at a loss.

 

So now, what I thought was a lesson in missed opportunities, turned out to be quite the opposite. Honestly, I’m really not sure the clear message I need to get from this.  Maybe it’s that I should have accepted that the two previous missed opportunities were missed for a reason.   Is it that my instincts are off?  Did I somehow turn off my natural intuition that I have relied on for so long?  Is it that I should walk away from opportunities that are represented to me? 

 

I guess I’m going to have to thank on this awhile longer.  Something tells me this might be about a little self-control…and learning to just say “no”.

Trusting your gut feeling….

So here’s the story…
I was offered a full time job for a company that did NOT meet my check list for the “best” job. However, it allowed me to cut the ties to my current job and move forward sooner rather than later. I turned in my resignation…and set my sights ahead. Then I got another interview….again, not the “best” but still WAY better than my current job, and recent offer. I left the interview and was told “you’d be a perfect fit in our office. I’ll email HR today!” Now that’s what I’m talking about…So I quit the other job. I quit simply on my gut feeling. I did not really want to work a job that was going to have me out most nights till 11 or 12 at night. Did not really want another job that had me on my feet 40 hours a week…weekends, holidays. Not really…So I trusted my gut feeling, and I quit.

I waited to hear back from HR. Nothing on Friday. Nothing on Monday. Tuesday comes and I have another interview scheduled with the same company only a different location. This one being even better than the last one. Less drive time and absolutely NO nights NO weekends NO holidays!! Still…I really liked the people at the other location…and I was SURE that is where I was going to be working.

That afternoon I get the call “we would like to extend you and offer to work in our (second interview) location.” Huh??? What about the other one. I thought she was going to email you on Friday…She said, let me call her. Comes back to tell me that they were requesting other applicants. WELL….I am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I accept the offer from my second interview and I start orientation on Monday.

I trusted my gut. I didn’t have to answer to anyone but myself. I quit two jobs and essentially put myself in an unstable financial situation purely on a gut feeling. It was freeing…I have had gut feelings before. My whole life. Never was I able to trust them and do something without “proof”. If I had done this while I was married, my husband would have flipped his friggin’ lid. If I had told my mom about my decision she would have told me how irresponsible or reckless…or just plain stupid I was. Fortunately for me, I had only myself to answer to.

Over the weekend those old conditioned thoughts came up…Did you do the right thing? Did you just make the biggest mistake of your life? Are you fucking stupid???? WHAT IF YOU CAN’T FIND ANOTHER JOB!!!???

I paid very close attention to how I felt when these thoughts came through. Not once was I anxious…not once did I get scared. For each negative thought that worked it’s way into my consciousness….it was answered with a sense of calm and peaceful “yes, you did the right thing”

I threw caution to the wind. I took a chance. I trusted myself like never before. All this because I paid real close attention to my feelings. Not my thoughts, but my feelings. For years I’ve been telling people to trust your gut. Stop listening to all the crap your brain has to say…You know you have all the information you need to have….now just get quiet and listen to your body. You know…you just need to trust it.

Let me say…it’s not like I have NEVER made a choice solely on my gut feeling. I’ve done it with people, with driving, with choices to go out or stay home, lots of little things….However, this was a biggie. This was a true test of trust and faith in my own intuition, or gut.

I believe in myself.

What does it take to get the message?

Listening….It’s a powerful tool.   It’s what we want from other people, it’s what other people want from us.  Listening makes relationships in love and business better…It is something we should all strive to do better.

Listening seems to be a common obstacle for most of us…listening to the subtle messages are even harder to do.  What messages are you getting that you are not paying attention too.  Most often it’s something that maybe you are not ready to receive, or maybe you just don’t really like the message that you’re getting.  Song on the radio, email, someone’s FB post…All pointing to the same thing, and you refuse to acknowledge it.  Trouble is…it’s not going to go away.  It’s going to come over and over and over again until you face it and LISTEN!!

My friend and I have affectionately named those moments the 2×4 moment.  It keeps coming through until it hits you like a 2×4 and you can no longer ignore.  FINE I GET IT!  Geez…I get it.  However the key is to try to get the message in the early stages…before your mind has been tortured by whatever it is that you are hungering for.

For me lately…these messages are not related directly to something I am consciously aware of, I mean, it’s not the burning question for the moment, but it is definitely something that is it tumbling around in my subconscious, keeping me from what I am trying to do.  Sometimes the answer comes to us, before we even know the question.

I’m trying to listen.  Sometimes I think I’ve got my attention on the right thought or action…then those messages come through that tell me what really needs attention.  I ignore, cause you know, I know better…I know what I’m doing…I got this one!  Well…WHACK!  Ok ok ok…Why do I fight it???  What I am learning for myself is that when that subtle message comes through, I need to pay attention.  I am on a path of healing…the Universe is there to help me.  Just give that moment your undivided attention, it’ here for a reason.

Maybe you need to focus on this, because when you do, and you are able to let it go, you will be able to receive something so much better.  It’s the block, the brick wall….the ugly dark menacing shadow that is keeping you from what you truly desire…and if you don’t stop ignoring it, you will never get to the good stuff.

Lesson: STOP fighting! Listen! Pay attention to EVERYTHING!!!

I have set my intention.  I know what I want!  Now I just have to follow my intuition and be open when these messages come through. They are either there to clear a block, or to steer me in the right direction.  No matter what, I’m tired of the 2×4, I’m tired of wondering what I might have missed ignoring them in the first place.