Tag Archives: online dating

Lessons I clearly haven’t learned yet

It’s been clear to me and probably anyone who has read this blog that I have adhered to the “maybe this time will be different” rule in my relationships.
I’ve done it with my mother.
I’ve done it with my ex husband.
Clearly I’ve done it with the hunky stallion.

What I’ve come to realize is that it isn’t just with relationships that I hold steadfast to this rule. There are at least a few other areas where this has come to light. Let me explain.

Online dating: For the last 5 years I have gone on and off online dating. When I go on, I have good intentions and hopes for some type of real connection. I get frustrated after weeks or months of the same lame offers. Either I’m attracting creepy guys, overweight horny guys, young horny guys, good looking horny guys or older men who send me the strangest emails….I’ve connected with a very few decent guys, but there has not yet been any real connection. So I quit. Then I get lonely, tired of not ever meeting anyone anywhere and go back online again. Of course I change up my profile a bit, add different pictures, try to express that I’m really interested in a long term committed relationship. After getting the same type of responses I delete my account and the circle continues.

Summation: Online dating is not for me.

Diet: This year I decided to take a hold of my eating habits. After a year of working out and getting my body in better shape, I find myself frustrated with still having a jiggly belly. Trainers tell me that I need to work on my diet. I bought a book with some really healthy and easy recipes, all clean eating balanced meals. The result after just a few days I am bloated and unable to poop (keeping it real people). I talk it over with my trainers and they are perplexed and I’m recommended to either keep going with the hopes that eventually things will work themselves out or add in Probiotics. After 5 days of not getting any relief and the pain of it overwhelming, I toss in the towel and order a pizza. Everything is back on track. A few months later I decide to try again, maybe my body was just in shock. This time I’ll add the right dietary aids and some additional “tricks” I’ve researched. Same results. Bloat, constipation, pain, pizza…relief. Just this last week I thought I’d give it another try…Fuck, after 4 days its a bacon cheeseburger to the rescue.

Summation: Clean eating does not work for me.

Online shopping: I love a good deal. I hate shopping in general. So when I see a great deal online I want to jump on it like the 10 tank tops for $20. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I am no longer a size Large or X-Large…so I ordered adult medium. I couldn’t believe how small, really tiny they were, not a big investment so I gave them to my daughter. Next were a set of yoga pants, size medium…I couldn’t get over the camel toe they created, so I gave them to my daughter. Next was the oh so cute black and white sweater that was only $12. Turns out it was being shipped from China. Ugh…it’s a little snug in the armpits but I can work with that, so that’s a partial win. Recently I decided to order a couple of cold weather items. 6 tops, one to be a gift for the girl, the rest just for me. I ordered all my tops in large or X-large cause I think I’m finally getting that online and real life are very very different. I get 1/2 the order, one is too short in the arms and the other one looks more like and child large than an adult large. My daughter once again benefits. I desperately tried to go online and see if I could get the remaining order in the X-large only to be told they have already shipped. Keeping my fingers crossed but admit that my daughter may be the beneficiary of a couple of more tops. Dammit.

Summation: Don’t buy cheap shit online or at the very very least check the size chart and see what size you are online and not in your imagination.

There is much work to be done with me for sure. Forever a work in progress….

Interesting facts…so to speak

So the world of online dating has been a little quite for me.  I’m taking that as a sign, but not letting myself get discouraged.  There are a few things I have found to be rather interesting…if not a little disheartening. I’m not good at math…but I’ll try my best to give a clear picture.

Since December 1st there have been over 100 eligible bachelors (or some not so) who have been interested in meeting me.

Of those 100+ men, about 15% have actually looked at my profile.

This means that 85% of them like what they see.  I’m thinking it’s the picture with the giant animated hot dog that makes me seem like the right lady for them.

Of those that have messaged me after actually viewing my profile 40% just say Hi, 30% comment on what a beautiful woman I am (the actual adjective varies slightly), and 10% send incredible long messages that should basically be covered in their profile. The last 10% usually have only one line…usually “goodmorning” or “good evening” or “how is your day”.

I have messaged back 5. There is maybe 3 that would be interested in meeting.

I have sent messages to approximately 25 men.  My messages have varied. Sometimes I comment about their profile.  Occasionally I mention something we have in common.  Mostly I tell them I find what they have to say interesting and would be happy to get to know them better.

All of them view my profile the same day I message.  0% have messaged me back.

Yes, it’s a little bit of a buzz kill.  0% isn’t good odds.  I want to message them back and ask…hey, I know you’re not interested but could I ask Why?  Maybe there’s something about my profile that needs to change.  Maybe they don’t find me all that attractive (can’t change that) or maybe there is something else I’m not aware of.

Anyway…I guess I really have enough stuff to be dealing with at the moment.  Not the time to be trying to figure all that shit out.  Still…I wonder.

On a positive note…I haven’t gotten one single “Fuck me” message yet.  I guess in the grand scheme of things, that would be considered progress.

 

 

 

 

 

 

FWB

I have allowed myself to be back in the “game”.  This time it feels different.  I’m no longer desperate or lonely or feel like I need to fill my space with a man.  Given this new attitude and my newly found confidence I have been able to see each and every potential candidate in a more mature way.

Over the last few years I have tried many different online sites in an effort to find some companionship.  I refuse to even attempt to calculate the amount of money spent on the more upscale sites.  I can tell you the amount of return on my investment has most definitely put me in the negative. At this point I can no longer afford to invest in these sites…so I’m pushed into the free ones.  There has to be some quality in there somewhere…at least I’m hoping.

I’m trying Tinder for the first time.  What I like is that you can only communicate with someone who has shown mutual interest.  Makes it easier than filtering through messages from men there is no attraction to.  Well, at least it would seem easier.  I find myself swiping right on men that seem interesting and have something to say about themselves.  There have been approximately 20 mutual matches.  When there’s a match, I send out a message hoping to connect.  So far I’ve gotten about 4 who have returned one message, then nothing else, one who was interesting but lives in another state (how I missed that I have no clue) and two who are offering the ever popular FWB.

As a smart woman, I can see the appeal of the FWB.  For anyone who isn’t really interested in a traditional relationship, you can have sex with someone who also has no interest in a relationship.  For two people who want to keep their freedom, but don’t want to rely on random hook-ups or one night stands…this offers an alternative with no hidden objectives.

What I have learned is that the “benefit” is sex, the “friend” is someone you can have sex with. I hang out with my friends, we do stuff together, movies, dinner…what have you.  That is not part of the F in FWB.  Another thing is that maybe this week I would like a different benefit, perhaps, the benefit I’m looking for is someone to come change out the drippy faucet in the bathroom, or help re-wire a light…or do some “manly” things for me around the house.  Apparently, that is not open for interpretation. The only benefit these men are looking for is sex…without any investment.

The other thing I found out is that accepting an offer of FWB does not allow me the opportunity for a drink or meal.  Pretty much, let’s meet and have sex.  Hmm….well, I do like sex, and I appreciate how “sexy” or “beautiful” you think I am, but why can’t you wine me a little??  Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes it is.  No matter how “stunning” I am…we’re not going out in public, I’m not taking you to the movies or the local bar.  Again, where’s the real benefit for me??

So thank you for the compliments…I’m sure that there are a lot of women out there who are willing to go right from your compliments to your bed without the desire for anything in between.  I am not one of those women.  Maybe at one time or another that would have been enough.  At this point I’m not interested in how attracted you are to my outside…I’ve got way to much to offer than just something good to look at and a place to tuck your willy.

Just a couple of weeks in and it’s been relatively quiet.  Online and in my head.  I’m not worried about the “what if’s” or whether or not this is all that is out there for me.  I’m trusting the Universe on this one.  Somewhere out these is my partner in crime…the man who has been looking for me.  For now I’m going to just float along this little path…and not take any shit.

 

Trying on something new…Confidence.

During my last therapy session we talked about how I am moving into a new phase.  We talked about how the last few years were not wasted, and how I’m now moving towards the desire to thrive and not just survive, and we talked about confidence.

He said something to me that kind of took me off guard.  “You have no reason whatsoever to not be confident.”  He’s right.  Yet when he said it I felt such and emotional surge…like a child who needed desperately to hear that message from a parent.   Unfortunately, I don’t have the kind of parents who would give me that sort of encouragement…so it’s the type of thing I usually tell myself, only its often surrounded by all the darkness of being raised to believe you are worthless.

I realized that most of the choices I have made in my life have been due to this lack of confidence.  Certainly my choice in relationships would be evidence that I have no sense of that understanding.  I mean really…I’m sure I don’t need to go back and recount all my poor choices in men.  Even with friends…the good one’s I push away.  It’s time to change all of that.

So I was given that “one shot” assignment.  Luckily I was able to put it to practice almost immediately.  I’m back to online dating.  Sigh.  Anyway, this time does feel to me different, and in my ever optimistic thinking (or perhaps wishful thinking), I thought maybe the responses I would get would also be different.

There have been two in particular that made it relatively easy to put this one shot into practice. The first started a conversation when I was getting ready to leave, I said “perhaps we could continue later.” He said “perhaps”.  A few hours later I was back online…and apparently so was he.  Within about 2 mins I get “thanks for reaching out.”

My flag was up. “Was that sarcasm?”

“No truth”

Hmm…”My first instinct is to say you are being a bit nasty, but I’m going to be optimistic here.  How was your day?”

Poof…he was gone.  Guess I got it right the first time.  Apparently I didn’t message him immediately upon signing on so that was my downfall. Oh well.

About two hours later he says “I’m sorry, I thought you were playing games.”

Me?? “Oh, no, I’m not that kind of lady.”

“So when are we going to cuddle?”

Seriously??? “Um you go from thinking I’m playing games to wanting to cuddle?? That’s fast.”

“Hey you only live once.”

Yeah buddy…but not with you. I chose not to respond.  He messaged back a short while later.  “No response.  I guess you’re too uptight for me.

Whatever dude…my choices are unlimited. So I move on.

The next gentleman was 57.  We had a few nice messages then he asked if he could call.  The conversation was nice, I was relaxed and he was pleasant.  Later on he asked if I could send him a selfie to add to my contact.  I hadn’t showered and not really a fan of my personal selfies, so I sent a saved picture.  He said “you didn’t just take that” I said no and explained why.  He said “oh, so I guess I’ll get one out of the shower then.”

No. “Ha ha. Nice try”

He sends me one of him decked out in bears gear sitting in the car.  Then another one.  Then one of him in a towel barely hanging on to cover his junk.

“Too soon.”

“Thought it went well with our conversation.”  I didn’t respond.  “oh, you’re serious.”

“Yes I am.”

“Well, hon, it was just supposed to be fun. You should have just laughed. At least I didn’t send you a picture of my junk.”  Yes, thankfully, but I’m not looking for that shit anymore.  Delete.

After about a half hour he sends me a message “I guess it wouldn’t work with us.  You’re too uptight.”

Clearly, he doesn’t know me. “You didn’t even take the time to get to know me.  Clearly yes, it wouldn’t work out….but it’s not because I’m uptight.”

So there you have it folks.  I’m back in the game!! Can you all throw out a little Woot Woot for me!!

One strike.  Confidence.  Yes indeed…I’m feeling quite good about myself.  There is no room in my life, my mind or my heart for the old shit I used to settle for.

I like this Confidence.  It feels all warm and cozy. I’d better get used to it…it might be the only thing keeping me warm this winter.

 

 

Why yes I did just roll my eyes…

Dear Beautiful Bangs of Seduction, (bangs of seduction??? what the hell is that???)

Like a message in a bottle, I send this Your way not knowing if I will ever receive its reply. (I wonder how long till you toss another bottle if I choose not to respond?)

However, Your glamour entices me.

As this may seem impulsive, I simply wanted to show some sincere initiative. For You look like a million dollars: Yours, Paradise Indeed, is a supreme beauty that appears so naturally; Your subtle, yet stunning smile bedazzles and radiates such a ladylike charm; (did he skip over the part where I mention I swear a lot?) Your inducing allure of Sex is insatiably something that, quite frankly, I cannot ignore, and would like to address with You.

These characteristics I admire of You, (that would be the characteristic of having had sex in my lifetime and stating such?)as I would not forgive myself if I didn’t ask if You’d like to get to know each other. For I share Your affinity towards Intimate Romance, and aspire to earn my place in Your bed & those Red Velvet Pants. (Unfortunately I’ve had enough offers to get into my pants…even if they weren’t as well written as this.)

Happy New Year,

N****

So ladies…if you want to get lovely messages like this one, or even one’s just a little less fluffy, just mention sex.  You’ve had sex and plan to have it again in the future.  You will have to weed through a lot of bullshit, but at least you’ll be entertained.

Don’t get me wrong…I appreciate the effort in this message.  Most certainly stands out from all the others.  What I do not appreciate is that is solely focused on my looks and sex.  I have 6 fucking paragraphs describing me…6 fucking paragraphs. The sex one is right in the middle.  No comment on any of the other crap?  Me thinks this gentleman wants to bed me…and nothing more.

No thank you.

Let me think about that a min…No, the answer is no.

Jbricks***** 12/15/2013 7:10:02 AM
Good morning

Me 12/18/2013 8:56:31 PM
Good evening

Jbricks***** 12/18/2013 8:59:36 PM
If you like email me joebricks*@******.com

Him: I am still married is that ok

Me: So what exactly are you looking for?

Him: Are you interested in a lover,

Me: Always…just not sure I’m interested in the drama that comes with a married man.

Him: Good morning, their is no drama, I have no kids. If you like I would just like to meet for a drink just to see if their is a connection.

Me: Kids aren’t usually the cause of drama…it’s the wives. I’ve been there before with a man I was only friends with.

Him: Just want to meet for a drink, please 🙂

Ok…He’s on a dating site, has a picture, emailing from his ipad. Now, I will give him kudos for being upfront pretty quick. However…I don’t think married men who have kids and cheat have any more drama than men who don’t have kids. They both have wives…and whether the marriage is good or not cheating man + scorned wife = drama.

No thank you.

I think we’ve been here before…

Badgers**** 12/19/2013 3:56:56 PM
Hello, I am a 44 year old w/m from NW Indiana. I am divorced, with no children. I am 6ft tall and weigh 200lbs with brown hair and blue eyes. I workout 4x’s a week. and stay active. I enjoy movies, concerts and sports. I especially enjoy the UFC, movies and baseball.I have been a police officer for 20 years,and that’s why I haven’t posted a pic. I am looking for an attractive, fun loving female. My y_hoo email is spartan***** if you are interested in chatting, and I can send a pic.
Mark

Me 12/19/2013 3:58:24 PM
I think I already declined. Probably to your other user name.

Seriously…I’m pretty sure I got this exact same message just a week ago, only with a different user name and email address. Same exact description and name. I also believe he tried this earlier this year. Someone isn’t paying attention to what they’re doing…or they think I’m not.

Funny how he never responded that I may have been incorrect.