Tag Archives: self improvement

First comes the epiphany…then comes the negotiations.

Here I am all proud of cracking the code to my deep seeded need to self-sabotage.  How do you celebrate such and epiphany??  Do you throw out all the junk food and start doing laps around the neighborhood? Do you throw out all your “fat” clothes?  Do you high five yourself while you do 1000 crunches and tell yourself that those fuckers who thought you were a failure are going to have to eat shit?

If you are me, you have two (homemade mind you) bacon, avocado cheese burgers.  Yep…now we start the negotiations.

Excuse one: I am fucking tired and besides I ate good all day and I am hangry for a cheeseburger.

Excuse two: I don’t have to start today.  I can just be happy knowing I got a grip and will soon be putting myself to work.

Excuse three-infinity: You have time and you need to finish up some stuff…and there’s this and that and how can you expect to have the time right now. Geez.

Yeah. That’s me.  I feel like what I need is to put a life size cut out of my mother and my ex-husband giving me that stupid fucking “See, we knew you couldn’t do it” face right in the middle of my living room.  Maybe that would be motivating.  Since cutting those two out of my life (for the most part) it’s nice not having to look at their face, or listen to the negativity.  Nope, now all I have to listen to is me…and me ain’t saying too much to get my shit going.

I won’t be beating myself up for too long. Right now I’m still absorbing the message and kind of laughing at myself.  At least it’s with a kind heart, not like when the other shit-heads used to. I also have to acknowledge that I am not sitting around on my ass not doing anything but stuffing my face and complaining about my jiggly parts.  There is work to be done…and so it must be done.  I am not leaving myself behind, I’m taking care of shit, before I take care of MY shit.

Planning is important, but doing is the key.  So, while I am not doing the “eat healthy and exercise” shit right now, I’m trying not to negotiate with my inner dumbass about why I don’t really need to be doing this today. Or tomorrow.  Or why it would be ok if I just started next week.

No, I’m keeping my mind on the prize. I’m acknowledging the slip and reminding myself that I am important…and how I feel is important.  I’m not giving up the good fight. I’m not throwing in the towel.

I’m going to end this post and head into the kitchen and start putting together some delightful meals to grab and go for the next few days.  I’m also reminding myself that I have tools at my disposal that are not in the least bit overwhelming…

Negotiations can be tough, especially if those negotiations are with a voice in your head that has been some what in charge for a hugly (hahaha)  part of your life.  She has won enough times…now it’s time for a new champion. A champion who can’t wait to stop bitching about not finding anything comfortable to wear.

 

 

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Please hold while I put on my broken record.

The other day I had to yell at myself.  This yelling consisted of several poorly written pages in my journal.  The topic, self-sabotage.

Losing weight and getting in shape has been on my “To Do” list for as long as I can remember.  My track record hasn’t been too good…a few good days here and there, but always back to square one.  Recently I had been rather busy doing shit around the house, which has been moving along pretty well.  That week, with no work and lots of chores/projects I managed to lose 6 lbs.  What I learned, and probably already know but sometimes refuse to accept, is that food is my biggest problem with weight.  I eat too much.  I eat too much bad, and I eat too much good.  I just eat too damn much.  After seeing that 6 lbs weight loss and feeling fucking elated, I spent the next four days putting it all back on…plus two more.

I got on the scale at then I lost it. The journal was filled page after page with…

What the hell is your problem?

Why do you keep sabotaging yourself?

You eat like you’re a starving child who has no idea when or where her next meal is coming from?

What the fuck??

It continued for 6 pages.  There was a lot of self-bashing and a lot of “pull your head out of your ass.”  I didn’t give myself too much of a break because I know this is all bullshit. I am more than capable of doing this. It’s not like I have 50 lbs to lose, I have 20 at most.  After completing my written beat down, I went back through my journal…and would you believe, I have had this same damn conversation on more than a few occasions. Surprise! OMG why the hell would anyone want to listen to a broken record year after year? What I can’t wrap my head around is the WHY.  Why the fuck do I do this? Why do I get going strong only to throw myself back down the damn hill and lay there is a pathetic heap of “I just can’t”.

I hate complaining.  I hate complaining about myself because in my experience nobody really gives a shit.  Ok, not nobody, but for a large part of my life, the people who were supposed to be my greatest support system didn’t give a shit about my problems.  They always had worse problems…mine were just pathetic.  I hate when other people complain because most often they just complain, there is rarely little action.  So, when I start to complain about not fitting into any of my clothes comfortably, or I feel fat and uncomfortable, I keep it to myself, and I don’t usually complain for long. It is a cycle that repeats itself over and over and over…. all the damn fucking time.  One week I bitch, I get focused and start to see results, pat myself on the back and then in the blink of an eye all my hard work is washed down the drain and there I am whining about how I can’t wear this or that cause it’s too uncomfortable.  Oh my fucking lord, please make it stop.

When you look up the meaning behind self-sabotage, it usually centers on self-worth. You fail because in the end you don’t think you are worthy of the reward.  Is this my reason?  After all the work I have done, the years of therapy, the books, tapes, videos that I have engulfed, in the end do I still feel unworthy? Something harming is hiding inside of me and I can’t find it.  It’s deep…real deep.

I have subscribed to several Instagram feeds about health, fitness and nutrition.  This is my passion.  This is where my heart goes every single time.  Yet, for me, my own personal journey, looking at all of this is just a reminder that I am a failure.  You are never going to make it. You are never going to be good enough. Funny, as I type that I can hear my mother’s voice.  She has said those exact same words to me on several occasions.  At 16 when I was trying to find my own identity, I believed her.  At 24, when I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be married or not, I believed her.  At 32, when I was a stay at home mother of two and feeling overwhelmed by life, I believed her.  I can remember several instances over my life where I was in a place of accomplishments, feeling like I was coming into my own, and she would “put me in my place” and point out what a failure I really was.  Every time I agreed, and went back to settling for meritocracy.

Alright alright alright…did I just get this shit figured out? I did!!!  It’s all my mother’s fault.  Whew!!! Now I don’t have to take responsibility, I can just sit back and blame her.  Except….no, I can’t.  Now I understand where the core of this self-destruction comes from, and, I also understand, by no fault of my mothers, that this is what she knew, so I have to be responsible for myself.  It is time to take the little girl inside of me, who has always believed that she would never be anything more than a failure, wrap my arms around her and allow her to forgive that life.  I need to tell her that those are the stories that her mother feels she was told, and she repeated them, nothing more. It doesn’t now, nor has it ever had anything to do with ME.  Now I can hug that little girl tight and let her know that she isn’t a failure, she never was a failure, and the woman she has become is strong, capable and empowered.

Honestly people, I just floored myself.  I have tried for sooooo fucking long to figure out why I do this to myself repeatedly, always coming up short on the answer.  It is because of you, because I share my stories, that I finally found the answer.  Thank you.

Now the work begins.  How do you break down a lifetime of stories that were never true?  Where do you start repairing the damage that is buried deep in your bones and start to heal them?  You start with on small step. One step towards the goal, and when you hear that voice, or when you see yourself slipping, you give yourself a little reminder that….

This is no longer my story.

Dating Part 11/Getting Real with Myself

Ahhhh…..romance.  It’s a funny thing.  Here I am a bright, confident single mature woman…most of the time.  However when my my unexpected romance started to dwindle a little bit, I fell into that pattern of getting too much into the crazy thinking even smart women do, and not enough into reality.  He was becoming less attentive, and I was feeling like I was losing him.

So, the day after I let it sink in that this beautiful romance was drifting way…I reached out to a friend of mine.  Cause if there is anything about me, it’s that I know how to reach out to who will tell me what I need to hear, even if it isn’t what I always want to hear.

Me: So my romance is fizzling

Her: What? Why?

Me: The signs are there. Not as attentive, he’s still online and the last time we were together he pretty much said he’d see me whenever. Sigh, I should feel worse than I do.

Her: Do you feel that way because you have felt this was doomed from the beginning?

Me: I think it’s cause it’s jut the same as every other relationship. I’m just getting used to it.

Her: That is bullshit and you know it. Every relationship is not the same and your not used to or you would not feel anything.

Me: Damn girl…Ugh. I just think I should feel sadder. I let myself believe he was different and I was special. I wish I would stop doing that. But I don’t feel like shedding a tear.

Her: When you go in to a relationship your supposed to think he’s different and your special. If we went into it saying he was going to be a shithead and we weren’t special hell there wouldn’t be any relationships. I am sure some woman would still do it but the smart ones would not and human race would have died out.

Me: LOL…I love you.

Her: xoxo

Me: He’s so damn cute…Ugh. Thanks for talking me down.

Her: Your fine, I would have been worried if you were and emotional wreck…maybe over the loss of extra curricular activities.  I would cry like a fool if I lost that too.

I love my friends.  She’s right when she said I had it doomed from the beginning.  From the moment I agreed to meet him for a drink, I kept telling people I was going to hell, that this was wrong and it was not going to work.  On the flip side I also said that I was just happy to accept what the Universe was giving me…and I was going to enjoy it.  Unfortunately, what I was really doing was waiting for the proverbial “other shoe” to drop.  That’s what I do.  I don’t like it.  I have worked hard to stop, but still I fall prey to those old comfortable stories I have been telling myself my whole life.  You don’t deserve it and it will fail.  90% of the time I practice what I preach…Acceptance, faith and all that, but that 10% sneaks up on me in those quiet hours and what happens is I end up doing the same stupid things, getting the same stupid results.  Cue the 2×4 crack right across my face.

So when this romance started, I proceeded to set up the fatal trail.  I sucked the life out of it so that I would be ??satisfied?? when it finally ended.  After all, then I could tell myself I took full advantage of what I could when I had the chance and convince myself that was enough.  It isn’t enough.  It is called smothering.  What guy wants that?  Shit, what woman wants that??  Anyway, I did like so many of us do and let that 10% control me and I choked the life out of something that could have lasted longer or turned into something much better.  Honestly, I even knew I was doing it.  What I didn’t do was stop when I realized it and take a breath.  I allowed those negative thoughts to convince me that I had only a short time and I had better start shoveling in as much pleasure as I could before he turned and ran.

When I look at it I realize this person came into my life because I had come to a point where I finally fully accepted that what I was doing wasn’t working and that I needed to step back.  I was rewarded for seeing the truth…and I showed my gratitude by proceeding to beat it to hell with the false illusion that I have come to  believe keeps love slipping through my fingers every time.  I don’t deserve it.  He was telling me he was sticking around and yet I couldn’t just let myself trust in that and relax.   I couldn’t just be the woman he wanted and accept the affection he was offering.  Now here I am, kicking myself again, only this time there are no tears.  Maybe the reason it’s not left me devastated is because I’m taking responsibility for my part in this.  Let’s look at this lovely man as a test from the Universe to show me where my weakness is.  Maybe next time when I see myself leaning in too close and shoveling in what is being offered I should sit back and let one of my friends in.  Clearly I need a little intervention when it comes to relaxing and letting myself enjoy the moment instead of watching the sand slip slow through the hourglass.

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.” — Henry Cloud

The only one here who has any control over what happens next is me.  I can continue to do the same things I’ve always done or I can start doing something different.  Choosing something different….