A clear perspective

I make no secret that I have been in counseling for several years. There is no doubt in my mind that it has saved me in more ways than one.  It did not save my marriage, it did not save my relationship with my mother…it has saved me from thinking that there is something wrong with me.  Sometimes it’s all about validation…I am not wrong for feeling the way I do.  Other times it’s giving me a new perspective on the reasons I am the way I am, and why I feel the way I feel.

Love:

“Wait…are you in love with him?”

I was completely taken aback by that question, and to be completely honest, the thought had come up just a few days earlier.  The answer to that question is as complicated for me as almost anything in my life right now.  The bottom line, I don’t know.  What I do know is that I want to be in love….I feel like after nearly 3 years together we should be in love.  However, love has always been a volatile emotion for me.  My relationships have been wrapped in my taking the blame for all that is wrong, and teaching people that it doesn’t matter how bad you treat me…I will always love you, I will always forgive you.

So what it boils down to is that I do not know what true love is.  I do not know how to be loved in an honest healthy way.  Of course, I do know what it should look like, how it should feel…yet I can’t seem to wrap my little brain around how any of that relates to me.  The task I have been given is to allow myself the opportunity to have the kind of love I truly want.  Dare I say, the kind of love I deserve.

Change:

A couple of weeks ago I had a night where I couldn’t sleep.  First off, I was completely and totally grateful that it wasn’t one of those nights that I was hyper-focused on a conversation, a comment, or feeling.  What did that mean?  Why didn’t I say this or that?  If only I had done this… Ugh, I have had way to many nights like that in the past and it sucks.  This time, it was just calm reflection, but still, the mind would not quiet.  After an hour or so I decided to get out my journal, and write it out.

Each area turned into no less than 3-4 pages.  Apparently I had some things to get off my mind.  The job, the home, the man, the friends, the ex, the smoking, the goals, the weight….There was a lot of shit packed in there that night.  The common thread seemed to commitment (or lack there of) and follow through.  Why oh why can’t I take that great idea, thought or intention, and follow through, focus and commit to any of them.  Well, it seems that I may tend to overthink (I know I was shocked too) (not really) (I’m not fooling anyone) and as was recently suggested “hyper-focus” on emotions that have no real value to the situation.  That isn’t exactly the phrase he used, but the bottom line is I  spend too much time thinking about things, applying inaccurate emotional value to things, situations and people, and not giving myself enough credit or acknowledgement that sometimes and some things are just out of my control.

I have not quit smoking because I am a failure and weak in my commitment.

I have not found a better job because I am not good enough or qualified enough for anything better than this.

I have not sought a better relationship because I don’t really deserve anything better than just the crumbs someone is willing to offer.

I can’t followed though on my yoga, house projects, meal planning, etc etc etc…because you just aren’t good at taking care of shit.

As it has been explained to me…I have a little more in common with my son than I may have been willing to admit to.  None of these things are character flaws…they are more traits of someone with ADD.  I am too focused on having a mediocre life, because it is something familiar and predictable. It is just easier to blame myself for the mediocrity than to actually accept that I could do better and pursue it.  So, it’s time to admit that I might need a little help.

It was suggested, that if I got a little help with what’s going on with my brain, I might be able to stay focused enough to follow through on all those areas of my life that are lacking.

I am not a bad person for having a hard time quitting smoking…I have an addiction that needs to be addressed.

I am not a bad person for wanting to leave my current job…it has served its purpose and I deserve an opportunity to be in a position where my strengths can be appreciated and I can be allowed to grow.

I am not a bed person for wanting a more fulfilling relationship filled with love and commitment…I deserve to be with someone who wants and appreciates what I have and is eager to return the feelings.

I am not a bad person for not staying focused on the tasks that need to be taken care of…I can give myself permission to accept that I need some help.

It’s going to be an interesting journey.  Somehow I’m going to have to admit I am not the flawed person I have been telling myself I am…I am human, sometimes we need a little help, and a clearer perspective.

 

 

Lessons I clearly haven’t learned yet

It’s been clear to me and probably anyone who has read this blog that I have adhered to the “maybe this time will be different” rule in my relationships.
I’ve done it with my mother.
I’ve done it with my ex husband.
Clearly I’ve done it with the hunky stallion.

What I’ve come to realize is that it isn’t just with relationships that I hold steadfast to this rule. There are at least a few other areas where this has come to light. Let me explain.

Online dating: For the last 5 years I have gone on and off online dating. When I go on, I have good intentions and hopes for some type of real connection. I get frustrated after weeks or months of the same lame offers. Either I’m attracting creepy guys, overweight horny guys, young horny guys, good looking horny guys or older men who send me the strangest emails….I’ve connected with a very few decent guys, but there has not yet been any real connection. So I quit. Then I get lonely, tired of not ever meeting anyone anywhere and go back online again. Of course I change up my profile a bit, add different pictures, try to express that I’m really interested in a long term committed relationship. After getting the same type of responses I delete my account and the circle continues.

Summation: Online dating is not for me.

Diet: This year I decided to take a hold of my eating habits. After a year of working out and getting my body in better shape, I find myself frustrated with still having a jiggly belly. Trainers tell me that I need to work on my diet. I bought a book with some really healthy and easy recipes, all clean eating balanced meals. The result after just a few days I am bloated and unable to poop (keeping it real people). I talk it over with my trainers and they are perplexed and I’m recommended to either keep going with the hopes that eventually things will work themselves out or add in Probiotics. After 5 days of not getting any relief and the pain of it overwhelming, I toss in the towel and order a pizza. Everything is back on track. A few months later I decide to try again, maybe my body was just in shock. This time I’ll add the right dietary aids and some additional “tricks” I’ve researched. Same results. Bloat, constipation, pain, pizza…relief. Just this last week I thought I’d give it another try…Fuck, after 4 days its a bacon cheeseburger to the rescue.

Summation: Clean eating does not work for me.

Online shopping: I love a good deal. I hate shopping in general. So when I see a great deal online I want to jump on it like the 10 tank tops for $20. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I am no longer a size Large or X-Large…so I ordered adult medium. I couldn’t believe how small, really tiny they were, not a big investment so I gave them to my daughter. Next were a set of yoga pants, size medium…I couldn’t get over the camel toe they created, so I gave them to my daughter. Next was the oh so cute black and white sweater that was only $12. Turns out it was being shipped from China. Ugh…it’s a little snug in the armpits but I can work with that, so that’s a partial win. Recently I decided to order a couple of cold weather items. 6 tops, one to be a gift for the girl, the rest just for me. I ordered all my tops in large or X-large cause I think I’m finally getting that online and real life are very very different. I get 1/2 the order, one is too short in the arms and the other one looks more like and child large than an adult large. My daughter once again benefits. I desperately tried to go online and see if I could get the remaining order in the X-large only to be told they have already shipped. Keeping my fingers crossed but admit that my daughter may be the beneficiary of a couple of more tops. Dammit.

Summation: Don’t buy cheap shit online or at the very very least check the size chart and see what size you are online and not in your imagination.

There is much work to be done with me for sure. Forever a work in progress….

Let me tell you why I can’t do that…

I’ve been quiet for a few months.  To be honest, I’m still a little pissed.  I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to continue writing the way I have or change so as not to include any details of my personal life.  What I do here, is not to share information so that people can eavesdrop into my life…but to, hopefully, show someone else that they are not alone, and maybe they can see that we all struggle, and we can all change.  Anyway, I’m back, and still open to being honest here.  Let’s hope I’ve made the right decision.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with why my life isn’t moving forward.  Still the same shitty job, still smoking, still not fitting into those jeans, still not in a committed loving relationship.  I have some issues that I need to deal with.

No shit.

What I’ve come to acknowledge most recently is that I’m really good right out of the gate…filled with conviction and confidence towards my intended goal.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for me to fizzle out.

It’s not just one area of my life…it’s every area of my life.

Diet…Monday= great, Tuesday=great, Wednesday=kind of great, Thursday=oohhh chocolate, Friday=WTF, Saturday=I just want a cheeseburger, Sunday=how did I gain 4 lbs this week.

Exercise…Monday=on it, Tuesday=I’ll just take today off, Wednesday=ass kicking class was enough, Thursday=I can’t move wheres the remote, Friday=another asskicking class, Saturday=Fuck this shit, Sunday= I’m not moving off the couch, try again Monday.

Finding a new job…Week 1-4= Resumes for everyone, Week 5-10 = Resumes for only a few, Week 11-52 = How many rejection letters can one woman handle. Fuck this shit.

Smoking…I’ll start Monday = Fuck this shit, I’ll start Friday = hell no, I’ll start Sunday = you’re kidding right? just try again Monday.

We can add to it…being social, cleaning and organizing, relationships with anybody, writing, shaving my legs…and so on.  I’m sure I could come up with many many more…but for the sake of argument let’s just say that I do not stay committed to doing anything long term.  Fortunately that also includes the bad shit…but that’s not what this is about.

Now that I have had my proverbial “ah ha” moment, the next step is to move out of my familiar pattern.  How?  This means I’m actually going to have to get uncomfortable, and commit to something instead of giving in to my never ending list of excuses why I don’t really need to commit.  (insert eye rolling heavy moaning like a teenage who’s just been asked to take the garbage out).

This sucks.  For one, if I do commit to something, that means things are going to change.  What??? Wait, that means that I’m letting go of my little nasty torn smelly security blanket called the Comfort Zone. Anyone who has been openly honest with themselves knows that we all feel better in the familiar, even if we don’t like it, than with that thing that is unknown called Change…even when we know (intellectually) we will be better for it.  It is easier for us to complain about a better life, than it is for us to actually go out and create a better life.  Why would we want all of that nasty uncertainty when we can stay wrapped up in the blanket of our comfort zone.  Ew…

I listen.  Not only to myself, but to the little cues life gives me, and everything is screaming that I need to make a commitment to myself and stick to it.  Just one is all I need to start with.  Which one?  Quit smoking? No junk food? Yoga? Daily resume submissions?  Any of those one things could improve my life drastically in just a short amount of time….if I stay focused and committed to it.

As of this moment…I don’t know which one it will be.  What I do know is that once I’ve chosen, and proven to myself that I can follow through, it won’t be hard to add in another, and another….till I’m where I truly want to be or at the very least, a better place than now.

I have to stop making excuses.

I have to be my greatest supporter and champion.

I have to start somewhere.

It has to be now.

Liar Liar…stop trying to put my pants on fire!

My ex husband recently accused me of posting something on FB about him that wasn’t true. I didn’t.  Unfortunately that really doesn’t matter.  Someone told him I said something, and without proof assumed it was true.  The last thing I said to him was “Why do you assume I would be the one lying?”

A few years ago, when he was dropping off the kids, the neighbor came out to talk to him.  When he left, he said “the neighbors are concerned with what’s going on over here, you should watch yourself.” and he left.  WTF?? So I marched my ass over to the neighbor to ask what’s up.  Apparently, one of the neighbors had an issue with me leaving my garbage cans out a little too long.  I immediately texted my ex to tell inform him of the neighborhoods BIG concern.  All I can think is that he must have imagined endless strange cars parked in my driveway, orgies, parties….all things that may concern certain people.  What he didn’t do, was ask what the big concern was.  See, he isn’t interested in truth, he’s interested in seeing me as a bad person, and there are enough people who would  leave him with that impression, even if it was unintentional.

There are a few things about this most recent accusation that bothers me.  I certainly know I open myself up to critics by sharing my stories.  I also know that not everyone I’m “friends” with on FB is really a friend.  For the most part, I enjoy social media and have learned to block out all the drama.  So, you want to gossip, ok.  Think about this…someone told my ex husband something that wasn’t true, which hurt him.  Not only that, but it hurt our already strained relationship, adding lighter fluid to a fire that is never going to burn out completely no matter what.  What did this person think they were going to gain by “sharing” this information?  Did they want him to see me as an Ex bashing drama queen spreading lies bout him?  I don’t know…and honestly I don’t really care.  Thanks asshole.

The second thing that bothers me, is that because he felt the need to confront me the way he did, it has caused some issues with my kids.  I have tried very hard to let my kids know that no matter what, their father and I can and will unite for their benefit.  When he told the kids to ask me to come outside, it peaked their curiosity.  They heard the entire encounter.  Now, both of them feel like they need to keep the interactions between the two of us to a minimum, cause apparently we can’t get along.

One incident and that trust is broken.  One false accusation and I’m the bad guy.

Maybe I should share less.  I could say 10,000 wonderful things about my ex…then one day I’ll call him and asshole and all hell will break loose.

I’m saddened by this, but not really surprised by any of it.  Now, I’ll go back to just doing what I do and let Karma work out the rest.

What a beautiful world this can be

May is almost over…and so is (almost) all the shit that has been driving me crazy lately.  My son graduated high school last weekend.  Seriously, I still look at him and remember when he graduated preschool.  Oh my has he grown.  What was most beautiful about his graduation was his joy.  He had a smile that just lights me up…I want to see more of that.

His graduation party was a success….again, too see a young man who was happy and smiling.  I couldn’t ask for more.  However, I was grateful to have a house full of wonderful people.  Former coworkers, new coworker, old friends, new friends, family I haven’t seen in way to long.  The day was beautiful, and the house was filled with laughter and joy.  There is a long standing joke with my friends about how the weather always goes south when I plan out-door events.  Not this time.  I’m going to say that my shift in attitude may have played a huge role in that…for had I stayed in the darkness, the rain would undoubtedly come.

A few weeks ago I was reminded that I needed (desperately) to let go of doubt and worry.  So I did.  What happened was that the little twitch in my eye went away, and good things started falling into place.  Things were finally aligning in a good way….because I was able to embrace the good and let go of the bad thoughts.  What you think about, you bring about.  I was tired of waking up every morning filled with doubt and gloom.  That is a choice, just like choosing to wake up with a grateful heart.

It isn’t as though the next few months are not going to come with challenges.  In just a few short weeks we will be on the fast track to  getting my son ready to go away to college.  There is no way for me to truly express how excited I am for him…and how hard it is for me to grasp this new phase of his life, and mine.  No matter what, I will bring to this coming “adventure” (my son tells me I use that word incorrectly too much, ha!) with a positive and grateful attitude.  He has opportunities ahead of him I wish I had taken advantage of when I was 18, but then if I had, he may not have been one of my greatest blessings.  I’m not sure how I’m going to handle not being able to see his face everyday.  Knowing that he’s not just behind his bedroom door…annoyed at me for popping in.  I am blessed, elated and trying to manage the little bit of fear and loss that will surly stir once he is gone.

Even though I attribute May to having been a busy and highly emotional month for me….there is still a lot of work to be done over these next few months.  Time to buckle down and get my ass back in alignment with my plans.   I gave myself a break in order to deal with the self inflicted emotional rollercoaster I was on, and now it’s time to get back to the real work.  Cleaning up and clearing out.  That includes fear, doubt, worry as well as physical clutter.  It also means focusing more on moving to a better place for work and relationships.

The challenges are not over…and it is a blessing that they never will be.  What is over is allowing negative emotions and thoughts to overshadow those challenges.  I’m moving forward with a renewed sense of purpose and gratitude….and that is how I will face each new challenge.  Even if that challenge is simply to NOT give in to the pesky dark voices that whisper in my ear “You’re not going to make it.”

Yes I am, asshole.  Yes I am.

Don’t Stop Believing…Hold on to that fe-e-eling

Gratitude! Finally…Things are starting to look a little better. Honestly, what is really happening is that I am looking at things a little better.

I am a firm believer that you get what you expect from life, even if you don’t want to think you do.  When you walk around bemoaning life and circumstances, you get more things to keep you down.  If  you are willing  to look at life in an optimistic way, truly be optimistic to your core, see the good that is around you, you will have more good things to see.  Even if it’s as simple as being grateful for matching socks.

It’s not that I had forgotten that. I did allow myself to succumb to the less that pleasant moments and circumstances.  Yesterday I came across two videos that reminded me that I have more control over my life than I’m sometimes willing to admit.  I cannot control the asshole who thinks only of himself and is unable to appreciate what I am doing.  I do not have any control over anything or anyone outside of me.  What I do have control of is what is inside of me and how I feel about those things outside of me.  As much as I would love for there to be peace, love and compassion with everyone is my life…I can only create those things within myself.  I can show them peace, love and compassion and not expect to receive it in return.

Since I’ve loosened up my grip on all the unpleasant shit that’s been going on, things have started to show up to reaffirm my better attitude.  Little things, but each and every one of them has been acknowledged and accepted with a full and grateful heart.  This is how I keep that ball rolling.  Gratitude, for even the little things.  Case in point, thinking the item I was returning was the $9.95 item when in fact it was the $34.95 one (yes I should know what each item was, but whatever)!  Having warm weather and no rain on my son’s graduation…and allowing me to wear the kick ass dress I bought.  Finding just the right outfit for the boy, and him finding the dress shoes he already had.

These are not life altering events…or at least not on the surface.  Feeling grateful for each of these little things helps to align yourself with more things to be grateful for.  Which in turn, can most definitely be life altering.  This lesson has been shown to me over and over and over again, I’ve mentioned it before…and I know it is truth.  So much so, that those videos I watched reaffirm these truths, because when you ask to be shown, it will be shown to you.  Your truth…not what you hope to be true.  That’s a point too many of us fail to accept.

There is an underlying deep belief in me that everything will work out.  When I hold on to that, redirect myself to that truth when I’m feeling overwhelmed, the Universe delivers.  I know there are a lot of people out there that do not believe this, and I’m sure I can’t convince a lot of them with just my words…but that’s ok, my life and the “luck” some people think I have, is tied directly to this truth.

So, next time I’m lying awake feeling overwhelmed and broken…I will bring myself back to gratitude for all the little things that are right.  I will embrace it with every fiber of my being.  This, and this alone, will pull me out of the darkness and back on the path to the life I am blessed to have.

 

 

Managing myself…and all my stupid baggage.

I’m still regrouping from my recent polar plunge into the icy cold pool of doubt and worry.  Still sitting on the edge of the pool with a towel wrapped tightly around me dangling my feet in.  Deep inside of me is a very strong, capable women screaming at me to get the fuck up, change into something dry and move the fuck on.  I’m humming so I can pretend like I don’t hear her.  Truth is, I’m waiting…waiting for another reason to throw myself back in, and it seems easier to stay in my cold wet clothes, then get dressed and proclaim “nice try mother-fuckers!”.

So, how are you doing?  Haha…I’m about one spilled glass of milk away from completely losing my shit.  How are you?

All my life I’ve been able to put on a happy face, pretend like things are going good, and eventually find myself in a better place.  People have told me how strong I am…but I’m really just faking it.  Doesn’t seem to make much sense wallowing in all the pain and discomfort of my current situation, when I can fake a little strength, until I actually have some. If you see me…please don’t ask me how I’m doing.  There is something in that particular phrase that seems to make my entire foundation crumble.  Twice, when asked, I nearly started crying.  Maybe that’s what I need to do…release a little pent up emotion. I’m really not going to do it in front of some unsuspecting soul or in a public place.  When I’m in the right place to let go…nothing happens.  Shit.

Lessons and opportunities.

There has been a lot of discussions in my home lately about learning lessons.  I’ve tried to express how little we learn when everything is going right.  Most often, we learn the most when everything is completely fucked up.  You’ll never really know how capable you are, till you have to dig your way out of a situation you didn’t really want to be in to start with.  My son is about to go to college…he’s lived a rather cushy life up till now.  I’m excited for him to learn and grow as a person, not just a student.  He’s not nearly as excited though…perhaps, someday he will appreciate being thrown into life, somewhat ill-equipped but with me there to have his back.  I will remain hopeful.

Give me a break.

I really really really just want to go get a mani/pedi…and a massage.  There is this practical snotty little bitch who thinks that I  should get the dirty work I need to do done first…so I don’t just mess up my nails.  She’s kind of right…but fuck her.  Ugh…just one more week,maybe two…so push through and you’ll be glad you did.  Dammit dammit dammit.  Ok.

Stop being a stubborn asshole…ask for help when you need it, take it when it’s offered.

I think I can be a wee bit stubborn sometimes.  Haha…that is really an understatement.  The trouble I have with asking for help, is that too often people just don’t help. People don’t seem to have the time, or willingness to help me out when I ask. This is nothing new, this has been a long cycle for me, so I’ve learned to not ask.  I’ll figure it out on my own, don’t worry about it.  Accepting help…well that one hurts.  This is my mess, I’ll clean it up.  I don’t need anyone swooping in to rescue me…I got this.  Except, that I don’t always, and I find it hard to admit.

Give yourself some credit.

For the love of all that his sacred in this world woman give yourself a little more credit.  All the shit that is going on right now is completely and totally manageable.  You are a force.  You are capable of getting through this if only you will just cut yourself some slack. No one said you had to do it all by yourself, and no one said you had to do it perfectly. You do that to yourself and now it’s time to knock it the fuck off.  Stop being like all those crazy fuckers who cry when the world doesn’t go according to plan.  You know life doesn’t go as planned and you know that you are happier when you stop for a moment and see everything that is right in the world.  Your world is right in so many ways because of your unwillingness to let the shit drag you under and keep you there.  You don’t need a champion, you are a champion!  No one needs to give you a pat on the back and tell you that you are doing ok…you know you are, and you can pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high five and get on doing what you are capable of doing.

Ok ok…I’m slowly and painfully pulling myself out of this shit.  One more step forward…I think I’ll go put some dry clothes on now.